Is repair possible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Is repair possible?
8
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 1:12pm
My BF and I have been together for over 8 months now. We broke up last week, mostly instigated by him and the fact we are different religons. It was hurtful and very surprising - we had just gone away with eachother that weekend, 3 days before the breakup, and was so in love.

I have been a wreck and had no contact. We also had NO closure when the breakup occured. I called him to find closure - not intending anything more because of how it all happened. I was so miserable and thought if we were to end it, our relationship wasn't about just slamming a door. We needed to talk bad.

Well, we spoke on tuesday night and he started in on how he missed me, my family, my cat, everyting and that he was shocked, thinking that it wasn't a real breakup and that he never intended it to be THE END. He said he realized now that I am right - that love is more important than religon. We had dinner last night and to say that we were both ecstatic and excited and nervous by seeing eachother is an understatement. I barely said a thing - I couldnt have planned better what he said to me over dinner to make up with me. He knows he is a fool and sounds very beat up by it, saying that he cant live without his "heart" and realizes so strongly how wonderful we are together.

Truly, we are a great match.

He came over my house after dinner and individually apologized to my mom, and my 2 sisters saying that he was dumb and that he loved me very much. My mom cried. I've never been so moved by him ever and i'm truly happy we are back together.

Does anyone have any comments on this. I have posted things in the past about our breakup and have been paying attention to this site and find it comforting so I figured I'd put this one out there.

We still have talking to do, we agree on that. We also agree that there are things about US we are going to work on because we want to keep moving forward together, as a couple.

Please advise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 2:03pm
You won't "repair" this.....you two have a difference of religion that involves how you'll worship, what you'll pursue, how you'll raise your children.

You'll negotiate these things now with the assurance that each of you as an individual has the character and self-awareness to negotiate an agreement that works for you as an individual, and stick with it when the time comes. And you'll do it prior to more emotional intertwining if you're smart- so that the diffferences don't rip you apart later.

It's one thing ot miss the comfort, assurance, convenience, benefits, support, and status of a relationship......and it sounds as if that is what you both missed. And once back togehter - it'll be easy enough for the differences in values, priorities, standards, and goals to separate you again - if you don't negotiate - rather than ignore facts in light of "feelings".


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 9:41pm
Hello!

I really hope I can help you with your situation - up until a few months ago, I was dating someone who was a different religion and the religion issue led to several breakups (usually the hour-long or day-long variety) in our 3 yrs together, and ultimately led to us breaking up for good. This final breakup was absolutely horrible and I don't wish that kind of pain on anyone so hopefully I can help you avoid it! I have no doubt that you and your bf are completely in love, have loads in common and have a wonderful time together. However, if religion is important to both of you (which it clearly is or it wouldn't have caused your recent breakup), you need to address these concerns now. Some topics you definitely need to discuss are what kind of role he sees religion playing in his future, how often he sees himself going to his place of worship, what his family thinks of him being with someone from a different religion, whether he'd like religion to be an important part of raising his children. And once you have these answers, you need to figure out how compatible his answers are with your own, and what you are both willing to negotiate on, if anything. Though you may think such a talk is premature and unnecessary until you're engaged, please believe me when I say it's SO important to talk this out now. Whenever my ex and I talked about these issues, it never went very far b/c we figured we'd worry about it down the road and deal with the situation later. Please don't make the same mistake. Being in love is amazing and it's so easy to think that love's enough and it really SHOULD be but unfortunately it's just not. Though we always like to think everything else will just work itself out, that's just not the case. Don't get me worng - I don't think that the problems that arise with interfaith relationships are insurmountable. They just take a lot of time and effort and maturity from both parties and a lot of open communication.

To answer your question, it sounds like your bf loves you a lot and yes, I think "repair" is possible...just please make sure to talk things through with him. I'd hate to see you as badly hurt as I was.

Good luck to you both :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 9:40am
thankyou for your comments - it sounds like you really did go through what he and I are going through. I will be bringing this up again soon with him because I would really like us to be forever - addressing this issue and seeing it completely and totally through is what should occur next. This is an important issue in dating I think.

You posed some very on point questions and I will use them.

To be continued... ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 9:29pm
I think you are on your way to the most important part of a relationship: communication. : ) Congrats that you two seems to be patching things up and you've both realized what it is like to be without the other. I wish your relationship well and hope things simply get better and that religion is no longer a barrier for you two. :) We could all use a little happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 9:10am
Thankyou for your good thoughts. We do seem to be much more communicative and had another talk last night. In fact, he wants us to move in togther in three months time. However, I do not believe in moving in because to me, it puts off the inspiration to begin any possible thoughts of marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 7:52pm
You're welcome. I think you are right about the moving in part. : )
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 10:02am
well - i had a change of mind and last night decided I would be willing to do it - still in a few months time.

i saw his family ons Saturday at their summer party and they where so great - kissing me and saying how good it is to see me again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 9:31pm
Try it and see where it leads. If you end up in the same place, it wasn't meant to be. Diversity never stopped a lot of couples, a lot of understanding is involved. My best to you both.