Repeatedly dumped and worn out
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Repeatedly dumped and worn out
| Sun, 09-09-2007 - 10:26pm |
My boyfriend of three months, with whom (I thought) I had begun to develop a trusting, contented relationship, just told me that he didn't feel for me what I felt for him. He told me this after a wonderful evening of dinner and conversation, a morning of breakfast and salsa practice, and an afternoon of cuddling on the couch. He said it to me as I lay in his arms, where thirty seconds earlier we had been laughing about our parents and the strange things that happen to couples as they get older. I was blindsided. Of course the relationship was brief, but everything seemed to be heading in the right direction. Now I wonder if I'll ever trust my own judgment again.
He was the fourth person to tell me some version of this (my heart's just not in it, you're wonderful but I just think of you as a friend, I'm just not feeling the rush) in the space of less than a year. I try to remain optimistic about life in general, but right now I just feel weary. Men and relationships seem to have brought me so much pain and hurt over the last few years that I really wonder whether it's worth it. I have the graceful dumpee speech down to a T (yes, I know you can't force it, it's been great hanging out with you, I really hope we can stay friends). I start to wonder how a guy will dump me from the minute I meet him--which isn't conducive to building a lasting relationship, I know.
I know it's not helpful to think of all these instances as a group, but I guess it's inevitable that you start to wonder what's wrong with you. I don't smell bad. I'm not high-maintenance. I would like to think I'm physically attractive. I'm supportive and giving but not smothering or controlling. Overall I think I make a pretty decent girlfriend. So why is it that men seem incapable of thinking of me as more than a friend (or a friend with benefits)?
I'm so tired of wanting a man more than he wants me. I'm so tired of crying over men, when so many women around me seem to be made happy by them. I'm so tired of forming little dream-pictures in my head (wedding, children, growing old together) and then watching them melt away. Tired. That's all I seem to able to feel now--not angry, not indignant, not even sad. Just bone-crushingly exhausted.
It's only been twenty-four hours since I was dumped and I know I'm probably in "Stage 1" of the grieving process, but if anyone else out there is going through the same thing it would be wonderful to hear your stories. I send you all virtual bowls of ice cream and Evil Man voodoo dolls.
He was the fourth person to tell me some version of this (my heart's just not in it, you're wonderful but I just think of you as a friend, I'm just not feeling the rush) in the space of less than a year. I try to remain optimistic about life in general, but right now I just feel weary. Men and relationships seem to have brought me so much pain and hurt over the last few years that I really wonder whether it's worth it. I have the graceful dumpee speech down to a T (yes, I know you can't force it, it's been great hanging out with you, I really hope we can stay friends). I start to wonder how a guy will dump me from the minute I meet him--which isn't conducive to building a lasting relationship, I know.
I know it's not helpful to think of all these instances as a group, but I guess it's inevitable that you start to wonder what's wrong with you. I don't smell bad. I'm not high-maintenance. I would like to think I'm physically attractive. I'm supportive and giving but not smothering or controlling. Overall I think I make a pretty decent girlfriend. So why is it that men seem incapable of thinking of me as more than a friend (or a friend with benefits)?
I'm so tired of wanting a man more than he wants me. I'm so tired of crying over men, when so many women around me seem to be made happy by them. I'm so tired of forming little dream-pictures in my head (wedding, children, growing old together) and then watching them melt away. Tired. That's all I seem to able to feel now--not angry, not indignant, not even sad. Just bone-crushingly exhausted.
It's only been twenty-four hours since I was dumped and I know I'm probably in "Stage 1" of the grieving process, but if anyone else out there is going through the same thing it would be wonderful to hear your stories. I send you all virtual bowls of ice cream and Evil Man voodoo dolls.

Oh, I hear ya!!! I went through a stretch where guys kept disappearing on me without a word (and not just after a date or two either)--it was really hard to keep going but I knew it was much more about them than about me and that we just weren't right for each other.
And that's the bottom line here--nNone of these guys were right for you. I know it's tough to have a stretch of them all in a row, but sometimes it happens that way. And the 3 month point is a VERY common time for this to happen, so I really try to keep a "this seems great, but time will tell" attitude early on (during the first 4-6 months). Maybe the universe is sending these to you as some sort of lesson you need to learn--one other thought that occurs to me is that maybe you're getting into relationships too quickly with these guys and you should take more time to evaluate whether they are right for YOU before you agree to be exclusive? How long do you typically date someone before you agree to be exclusive? It's just a thought that occurred to me--if you don't think it applies, then never mind ;-).
Sheri
My sentiments exactly!!
I sit and wonder, what is it about me that drives men away? What do I need to change in order to become a "keeper"? These are the thoughts in my head two weeks now after my breakup. Yes, I'm gaining some perspective on the relationship (like, never trust a man who not once but repeatedly cheated on his wife), but my thoughts still linger. I'm hoping the therapist I started seeing will help me gain some insight into this, but I'd love to hear everyone else's thoughts too.
I understand too. I sometimes think about my track record and it makes me feel so down. And I run off the checklist too: I'm not high maintenance or needy, not self-absorbed, I'm independent and bright... And I've had those one-after-another experiences of being dumped. Soul-crushing, I tell you.
Pride keeps me from cornering them after the gentle let-down... I want to say, What is it? Why don't you see this going anywhere?
And a lot of my exes end up marrying the next girl they date after me.
I think I'm a keeper. *I* would want to be with me. But I don't know what to say about these guys. I think it's true, that they weren't the right ones. It's still exhausting. I don't have any answers, but know that I understand.