requesting input on a life decision
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|Wed, 08-10-2011 - 12:57am|
hi. first, thanks for listening.
i'm 35 years old in a relationship with a man 16 years older than me. the age gap isn't an issue day to day, but its part of the story. we've been together for 5 years, lived together most of that time. he has teenage children and all of us, including his ex wife, get along wonderfully. we're very lucky in that regard. he says he wants to get married someday, but isn't in any hurry. additional children are out of the question - he's had his, he's done, end of story. i can appreciate his position.
the questions i've been asking myself are focused on the future - do i want to have children? where do i want my career to go? am i ever going to get married. i've never felt strongly about having children of my own, and frankly am still on the fence about it. i'm a career girl and always have been. that said, i love kids, i'm good with them, and am really afraid of missing out on that wildly important part of life.
i'm also not sure about my relationship. kids or not, i know that i want to be married some day. i'm not getting any younger, and i'm definitely feeling the clock. he says that he wants to get married again someday, but who knows when that will be; he's been saying this for a few years now.
there is someone else in the equation. i'm in what i think is an emotional affair with another person. he's a couple of years younger than me and has two small children of his own. these two men couldn't possibly be any different. my current s.o. makes a very nice living, we have a modest home and between us, live comfortably, including nice meals out, travel, etc... he travels constantly (weekly) so i spend quite a bit of time alone, which is fine, i love alone time. that said, i kind of feel single, but without the benefits of being single - do you know what i mean? s.o. is extremely career driven, not terribly emotional, somewhat affectionate and can be selfish (but so can i).
EA makes less money than i do, and was left in a really difficult financial situation as a result of his divorce. EA is amazing, he's passionate, affectionate, loving, and always puts me and my feelings first.
if there was any way to combine the best parts of these men, it would be perfection.
my question is... if i'm not sure i want to have children, but still think it might be an option, and knowing that there is someone else out there who cares for me and i care for him, is it worth it for me to leave, start over (which scares the hell out of me) and jump into the unknown? you can probably imagine that this is just scratching the surface, but i can tell you that its paralyzing and has been for several months. i know that i have to do something, i just don't know what it is. there are a million other details to this situation and if you're interested, i'm happy to share them. i just didn't want to bore anyone right off the bat.
i feel like i have a life decision to make, and i'm struggling to make it on my own. any input is greatly appreciated. thanks again!