requesting input on a life decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2011
requesting input on a life decision
10
Wed, 08-10-2011 - 12:57am

hi. first, thanks for listening.

i'm 35 years old in a relationship with a man 16 years older than me. the age gap isn't an issue day to day, but its part of the story. we've been together for 5 years, lived together most of that time. he has teenage children and all of us, including his ex wife, get along wonderfully. we're very lucky in that regard. he says he wants to get married someday, but isn't in any hurry. additional children are out of the question - he's had his, he's done, end of story. i can appreciate his position.

the questions i've been asking myself are focused on the future - do i want to have children? where do i want my career to go? am i ever going to get married. i've never felt strongly about having children of my own, and frankly am still on the fence about it. i'm a career girl and always have been. that said, i love kids, i'm good with them, and am really afraid of missing out on that wildly important part of life.

i'm also not sure about my relationship. kids or not, i know that i want to be married some day. i'm not getting any younger, and i'm definitely feeling the clock. he says that he wants to get married again someday, but who knows when that will be; he's been saying this for a few years now.

there is someone else in the equation. i'm in what i think is an emotional affair with another person. he's a couple of years younger than me and has two small children of his own. these two men couldn't possibly be any different. my current s.o. makes a very nice living, we have a modest home and between us, live comfortably, including nice meals out, travel, etc... he travels constantly (weekly) so i spend quite a bit of time alone, which is fine, i love alone time. that said, i kind of feel single, but without the benefits of being single - do you know what i mean? s.o. is extremely career driven, not terribly emotional, somewhat affectionate and can be selfish (but so can i).

EA makes less money than i do, and was left in a really difficult financial situation as a result of his divorce. EA is amazing, he's passionate, affectionate, loving, and always puts me and my feelings first.

if there was any way to combine the best parts of these men, it would be perfection.

my question is... if i'm not sure i want to have children, but still think it might be an option, and knowing that there is someone else out there who cares for me and i care for him, is it worth it for me to leave, start over (which scares the hell out of me) and jump into the unknown? you can probably imagine that this is just scratching the surface, but i can tell you that its paralyzing and has been for several months. i know that i have to do something, i just don't know what it is. there are a million other details to this situation and if you're interested, i'm happy to share them. i just didn't want to bore anyone right off the bat.

i feel like i have a life decision to make, and i'm struggling to make it on my own. any input is greatly appreciated. thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2011
Wed, 08-10-2011 - 4:40pm

I don't

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 11:39am

If you're not getting what you want, get out. Life's too short.

BTW, you don't need to have kids to prove that you're a woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 11:44am

thanks for your feedback chamadar, i really appreciate it. yeah... i don't know if someday is ever going to come... thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 11:49am

thanks christopher5l6, i appreciate your response. i agree with you - a good girlfriend of mine always says, "we only get one spin, better make it count". i hate the feeling/perception that i'm "wasting precious time"...

though i have to respectfully disagree with you on having children to prove i'm a woman. i don't feel that having a child would prove anything. the question, for me, is whether it would enrich my life, as a woman, or not... whether i want to and can realistically handle engaging in this lifetime commitment.

thanks again, i really appreciate your feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 3:05pm

Yeah, but I don't necessarily agree with the,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 11:15pm

i can definitely appreciate where you're coming from and i'm so sorry that your relationship ended abruptly. its tricky to be a women feeling the impending cross-roads of your age and any assurance that you can still bear a healthy child. i would love to say that the relationship and having a child aren't mutually exclusive, but they are certainly intwined. i wonder if the situation would be any different if my s.o. was able to and willing to have children. i have to believe that it would be very different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 2:50pm

I wouldnt ,EVER , give up having

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2011
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 11:54pm
I'm not reading into any of the logic / demographic / maternal issues that you've raised in your last post. What I see is a woman who really isn't feeling a sense of deep love and passion for her dude anymore and is more attuned into mother nature right now.

Speakin' on behalf of your dude, save his time and yours and get the hell out of there already.

Just be honest with him when you shut it down... He'll respect you for it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 08-18-2011 - 9:57am

I'm 28 and in a similar place about kids. I dont' think I'll ever get to the point where my biological clock longs for a baby, but the idea of having kids is a good one that comes with pros and cons. It SUCKS being a woman and knowing that one day if you don't have children, you won't be able to. The idea of adopting a 7 year old is definitely appealing :) I sympathize with you. It's not a fair position to be in.

I agree with the others that after this long, "someday" is just not a reality. I do not think he will marry you, and that may be a good thing because you don't have to be trapped. You really don't know what the future holds for you exactly, but you can be pretty sure that there is a dead end if you stay with your current boyfriend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 08-21-2011 - 5:04am

Your SO doesn't want children.......and do you blame him.