the return of my stalker

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
the return of my stalker
4
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 12:51pm

I've posted on here a lot about my most recent breakup, and thought maybe you all would have some advice about another sort of "breakup" that's still driving me crazy.

I have a stalker. He's been around for about six years now, and he sent me an email at the end of the work week last week, which I got first thing today. He's a guy I worked with for about seven months back in 1999. He fixated on me for some reason. He's 17 years older than me, and pretty sad. He was, at the time, divorced with 2 kids that he never saw. He'd come by my office (I was a reference librarian at a law firm at the time, so lots of people just came up to my desk to chat or to get assistance) and just blab about how much he missed his kids and what a great dad he was, etc. I thought he had just been through a divorce, and I was being nice, just letting him talk. Turns out, he'd been divorced for like a decade, and his kids are 2 hours away, but he hadn't bothered to drive out to see them in years. He was also delinquent in child support, which he freely admitted at one point. I wasn't interested in being a sympathetic ear once I found out all this, I was annoyed that he'd been lying to me, and I just wanted to shake him loose. You know those weird office types who latch onto you and won't stop talking about their kids, their health, whatever? He struck me as that kind of guy.

Then, he starts telling me that he's in love with me. I barely knew him, and I was married at the time, so it creeped me out. By the time he started with this, I was a month away from leaving to start law school, so I just told him I didn't feel that way about him, reminded him that I was married, and tried to avoid him as much as possible.

Once I left for law school, contact from him really escalated. I'd left my contact information with HR and some friends at the firm, and somehow he got hold of it - started calling my house and my cell phone. He started emailing me, all the time. Sometimes just chatty, "what are you up to?" emails. Mostly, I ignored those, once in a while I'd send a "really busy with school, no time to talk, take care" kind of dismissive emails. Then he started sending sexually explicit messages, including a picture of his own penis. It totally freaked me out. I have to be honest - I knew I should have gone to the police, or at least gotten a protective order. But I was embarassed, I didn't want there to be a public record of this, and I didn't want people to think I'd encouraged it, I was just starting a promising new chapter in my life and I didn't want any potential law firm employers to find out about this nonsense. Lots of people had seen him hanging out around my desk at work, maybe they'd think I wanted his attention, maybe I was flirting, I don't know. The whole thing was just so sordid and excrutiatingly embarassing.

Anyway, this frequent contact went on for about a year. He'd keep changing email addresses, and I'd block each new one as it arrived. I did keep a file of his messages, including one where he said he guessed it was just my husband that was keeping us apart. I thought that sounded like a threat. But I'd already moved from the last address he had for me, our number was unlisted, I figured he couldn't find me.

Throughout law school, about every 9-12 months, I'd get a spate of new emails from this guy, and some drunken hangups that I assumed came from him. I'd moved again toward the end of law school (I was renting), and I got an email from him after a tornado hit the small suburb where I'd moved, in which he asked if I was okay and said that, "last he'd heard," I was living up there. That kind of scared me - how on earth would he know I lived there? We had no common social circle, unlisted number, was he following me home from the school or something?

That's when the "new phase" of stalking really started. I came into work at my summer internship at a law firm one day to find an email from him saying, basically, "found you." I have no idea how he'd known I was working at that firm. I was a summer employee, not on the website or regular phone directory, no newspaper announcement, and there are literally hundreds of law firms in this area that I could have been working at. I got a new cell phone service, with a new number, and got a phone call from him. I have no idea how he got my number.

Toward the end of law school, it had been about a year since I'd heard from him, when he started to really escalate again, sending me a bunch of messages shortly before I graduated in May 2002. He said he planned to attend my graduation, that he'd like to meet my family, that he was "really proud" of me. That kind of scared me, but there wasn't any kind of overt threat, just sort of an implicit one. I worried about filing for a protective order and losing, or even just provoking him by filing. I've volunteered legal services for victims of domestic violence, and the sad fact is, seeking and even obtaining a protective order can often trigger a round of violence, as the guy is really provoked by you doing that. Anyway, I did nothing, graduation came and went and he did not appear to be there. My husband and I separated, and I started dating my most recent ex.

Then, I got another message from the stalker in July 2003. It had been over a year since I'd heard from him, and more than 3 years since I'd sent him any kind of reply or return communication. My last message to him was "stop contacting me, you sick creep, or I'll call the police." So, I admit I was at a loss as to what kept this guy going.

Anyway, I hadn't heard anything since July 2003. Then, today, I find an email from him at my email address at a job I took in September 2004. He says he's living in another state right now, but is eager to come back to this city to see me again. He begs me to please drop him a line. He makes a bunch of comments about the firm I'm at now, that he's surprised, that it doesn't seem like me. He acknowledges that he knows I don't want to hear from him, but that he's been "thinking a lot" about me lately, and that he just needed to contact me. The subject title of his message is, literally, "boo." He knows I'd be scared and startled and freaked out to hear from him.

I don't know how he knows I'm at this firm. I guess he Googled me, but that's so bizarre. This guy is sitting around somewhere, in another state, still searching the web for me almost six years since I last laid eyes on him, still attempting to contact me, deliberately sending these provocative "I found you" emails that scare the crap out of me. Who knows how many more he's sent from addresses that I've blocked, because I know my email service doesn't tell him his messages aren't getting through (I blocked another of my email addresses and tried, just to be sure, because I didn't want to provoke him by having him get a "you are not allowed to send messages" thing).

After a year had passed and I didn't hear anything more from him, I deleted all the old emails. I no longer have a file on him. This email, while unwanted, isn't overtly treatening. I'm not sure if an email once every 12-18 months equals a "pattern" of harassment. If I filed for a protective order, he'd have a right to appear in court to contest the allegations. If he knew exactly where to find me and could be guaranteed an opportunity to spout off some crazy story in court (like, we were really lovers, still are, whatever), I know he'd jump at the chance. I fully expect him to show up for the hearing, have the time of his life saying crazy stuff, I might not get the protective order and he'd have the satisfaction of seeing me (and maybe finding out where I lived), and/or it might provoke him into doing more than sending unwanted emails.

I don't know what to do with this guy. I don't know what on earth is fueling his obsession. I'm struck by the irony that the love of my life disappeared off the face of the earth six months ago, and I haven't heard from him since the breakup, but this wacko stalker can't stop keeping track of me and calling even six years since I last saw him. Advice, support, anyone been through anything similar?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 1:20pm

I would call the police now, explain the situation, and find out what your next steps should be. It may not be filing for a protective order, it might be something else (like filing criminal charges for harrassment). In any event, you need to enforce the boundary you set with him (that you'd go to the police) or he will know he has you where he wants you.

When are you moving? Not that he won't be able to find you at the new place if he wants to, but hopefully you're moving before he is coming for his visit.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 4:11pm
I was thinking about your situation. I have never (luckily) experienced anything like it, it must be awful. While I can understand your not wanting to annoy him or call attention to an embarassing situation at your work or with friends, you might do well to quietly get some professional advice about stalkers, how they behave, what the patterns are -- either from the police or from a professional who's trained in that kind of thing. As long as it stays with just email contact, that's one thing but if he starts phoning or shows up in person, that would be something I'd then think you should do something about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 9:34am
are you sure this is the same person for the last six years? maybe someone knows what buttons to push with you and is impersonating a one time stalker - think about who knows where you are, where you work etc. possibly your ex husband, ex lover etc. just food for thought- maybe drop hints to someone else you suspect could possibly be doing this to you and see what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 11:19am
Yeah, I appreciate the creative thinking. I think it's the same guy for a bunch of reasons, one being that the most recent email he sent was from his work email address, with his name, and I varified that he worked there and that the MIME trail of the email points to it originating on a server in Houston, Texas, which is where he said he's now living and where his employer is located. There's also a distinctive "voice" in his messages, certain words he uses, the tone, references to the past employer we both worked at and coworkers we both knew. Honestly, I'm in contact with my ex-husband, we're on good terms, and the stalking has continued through our marriage, divorce, and the relationship and breakup with the only other guy I've been involved with since the divorce. My ex-husband and I are on good terms, my ex-boyfriend used to have me set up his computer for him, I doubt he's tech-savvy enough to figure out how to hack an email address, and I just can't think of anyone else, I married my high school sweetheart, there's not a big trail of jilted lovers out there. But thanks for responding.