returning expensive gift after breakup?
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returning expensive gift after breakup?
| Thu, 03-20-2008 - 4:20pm |
I would really like to hear other people's opinion on this.
Just today I told my boyfriend of 2 years that I thought it would be good for us to take a break. Immediately he told me he wished I told him sooner so he wouldn't have spent all this money on us last month. He also said he wanted the expensive purse he bought for me early Feb back. Is this outrageous or am I overreacting?
I was (and still am, I guess) ambivalent about breaking up with him. Things are okay most of the time...but I found him asking for a GIFT back very tacky and petty.

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Yes, asking for a gift back IS very tacky and petty.
Welcome to the board rfn26,
Something similar happened to me at the end of my break up - I gave him what he wanted. Mostly to sever the tie (energy-wise) between us.
That is SO tacky. That's very, very unclassy. Because what is he going to do with it, wear it? Pawn it? Sell it on eBay?
I think that says a lot about his character right there. When you give people gifts, you should give it out of your heart, because you WANT them to have it. So either a purse he'll never wear is more important to him than you being happy, or... I don't know.
You gave it back, right? Please tell me you did. And I hope he felt stupid as you handed it back to him. God, I gave back my engagement ring when I broke with someone, and he wouldn't take it back. I've never heard of that happening before.
I can't believe right after you broke up with him, his next immediate thought was the money he spent. I mean... you are absolutely justified in being outraged. If money's that big of a deal to him, maybe start paying your half for dinner. Then at least you'll know for he won't be able to use that against you.
"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." -Confucius
He was most likely pretty hurt and simply lashing out. People say all kinds of things when they're hurting that they later regret. Especially if it was a sudden breakup on your part, and immediate reaction on his. If you're ambvalent, you're not even all that sure you want the breakup anyway and could stay or go at this point. I'd give him a few days and see if he doesn't eat his words. It'd be very tacky and petty if he had waited a few days and done that with a clear head. That was straight-up pain talking, I'm thinking.
Question: Did you ask him for the purse? What was the financial dynamic between you? Meaning, who paid most of the time?
Hi,
Thanks everyone for your responses. Maybe some additional detail will change some people's opinion...
In response to your question, the money issue has always been a big one. He works as an engineer and goes to business school part time. I am in medical school and make -60k/year. He pays for most dinners and events that we enjoy together. He considers himself somewhat of a gourmand and takes us to expensive places without batting an eyelash ($400 for 2 person dinner would not be unusual). I don't ask to go to these places, but of course I do enjoy eating good food and thank him every time he treats. I insist on paying occasionally (at less expensive restaurants), and occasionally he lets me. I cannot afford those incredibly expensive meals that he likes. At least, not yet.
I did ask for the purse, but I knew it was expensive and let him know that it was okay if he did not get it for me. At first he was hesitant, but as our anniversary rolled around he began to get really excited about getting this gift for me.
I used the purse only once, so it really is in perfect condition. I would imagine he would sell it on ebay? At any rate, we spoke yesterday again and in a very bitter tone, he said I could keep it, but he only wishes he never got it for me.
Another wrinkle in the situation- we are currently in a long distance relationship. (My med school is far away from my and his hometown, where he currently still lives with his parents) It was a rare opportunity for me to be home last month, so I think it would be safe to say the "luxurious" things we indulge in are only once in awhile.
I feel that when we talk, I really am rooting for him. I want him to say something sweet and kind, but in the end he only disappoints me. For instance, he brought up the whole engagement ring hypothetical situation: he said he would absolutely ask for an engagement ring back! I found this appalling! In his words, he called an engagement ring merely a "really big stone." And when I asked him what he would do with a returned engagement ring, he said take the diamond out and sell it. He actually considered the only for show, and not the "symbol of a relationship" that I proposed it stood for.
My heart sinks every time he says something like this. He blatantly states that money is incredibly important to him. Sometimes I think it is more important than me. My question is why does he act so outwardly generous when inside he's counting the pennies?
I think a lot of it comes down to a maturity issue. He is the only child doted on by his parents, has lived at home his entire life, works 5 minutes away from home. I went to college far away, and my med school is even farther. He aspires to be an investment banker, I am going to be a doctor. We really have different views of the world...I really do wish we could work out because I wonder how much time and energy I'll have to start a new relationship given my 80 hr work week. But maybe I just need to move on...
hmmm...some additional details.
purse = $1400
our ages: mid 20s
our hometown = Orange County, CA
Holy moly, you asked for a $1400 purse? Dang, girl. This is a good one. I have to be truthful, I'm not surprised he asked for it back. Even *knowing* your side from what you've posted, it sure seems like you asked for it, got it, broke up and took off with the loot. I really shouldn't say anything further on that, it's so completely out of my realm of being able to relate to even wanting that kind of purse to begin with, and even though I'm able to afford it, I just don't see the need. I'd give it back, too awkward to keep it after breaking up, but that's me.
I think the dividing line for me personally is whether it was asked for rather than his idea, and the circumstances of the breakup. To be fair, I did ask for a digital camera from a boyfriend once and did keep it when we broke up a couple of months later. He had cheated on me though. What again, was the cause of your breakup? I don't believe I'm clear on that.
As for engagement ring etiquette, if the woman breaks the engagement, she should, in my personal opinion, give it back. Not offer it, not suggest it-- give it. If the man breaks the engagement, I think she can keep the ring. Again, that's just my personal opinion, although I do believe you'll find etiquette guides that go way back and pretty much outline something similar. This is barring any outliers like infidelity and such. Just plain ol' "this isn't working anymore."
Most engineers are not the romantic type. I hate to stereotype my own career field, but it's true for the major pare. Most just see the facts of the situation and go from there. It's not meant to intentionally hurt or offend. So it's possible that he sees the meaning of the ring while the relationship is in place, but not so after the fact. I felt the exact same way after my divorce. During marriage, my rings were symblos of the marriage and all its meaning, but after the divorce they were simply bits of metal and stone, no meaning left in them at all; that made them easy enough to get rid of. Maybe that's how he meant it.
So that all being said, I still think it's easy enough to return the gift, especially if you only used it one time. Up to you, of course. Let us know what you decide, I'd be interested to know.
Good luck to you,
Ok, given that you are the one who asked for the purse and the high cost of it (yikes!
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