returning expensive gift after breakup?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2008
returning expensive gift after breakup?
21
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 4:20pm

I would really like to hear other people's opinion on this.

Just today I told my boyfriend of 2 years that I thought it would be good for us to take a break. Immediately he told me he wished I told him sooner so he wouldn't have spent all this money on us last month. He also said he wanted the expensive purse he bought for me early Feb back. Is this outrageous or am I overreacting?

I was (and still am, I guess) ambivalent about breaking up with him. Things are okay most of the time...but I found him asking for a GIFT back very tacky and petty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2008
Fri, 03-21-2008 - 4:00pm

Haha, thanks for your honest answer. I appreciate your perspective.

Technically we're not broken up yet, but we decided last night to take a 2 week no contact break. The cause of the conflict was me moving back to Cleveland from California. I feel pessimistic about our long distance relationship, given how busy we are. It seems like all we have is talking on the phone, and not even that often, given the 3 hour time difference we have. Recently, he also blew off talking to me to go drink with his buddies, so I took that to heart as well (maybe unreasonable- he certainly thinks so).

The purse was an anniversary gift. I have always had to tell him exactly what I wanted for my birthday, anniversary, etc. He just has no clue, so unfortunately I have to be very explicit. This was the first time he got me anything close to that realm in terms of price- it's definitely not like I ask for things on a regular basis. I wonder though, even if he sold it for $1000, that would pay for what...2 of his "gourmet" meals?

To clarify, I have no problem at all with returning the purse, or if he proposed and I broke it off, an engagement ring. My problem is HIM ASKING for it back, and what it says about his character. If I were a guy, my policy would be a gift is a gift, EXCEPT if it is a family heirloom. For anything money could buy, I would just cut my losses.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-21-2008 - 4:35pm

And I agree with you...but since he

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 03-21-2008 - 4:40pm

No, I hear ya. I might ask for it back m'self, and I have very good values and character, ask anyone on the boards here.

....."If I were a guy, my policy would be a gift is a gift, EXCEPT if it is a family heirloom. For anything money could buy, I would just cut my losses."..... Ah, but that's you, and he's not you. Some guys have that attitude, mostly when they can afford it. We risk screwing ouselves over if we alway hold other people to our standards. Then again, if this is what you absolutely require in a mate, then you need to not be with this person and not reunite after the "break." Believe me, you'd be averting more confusion and a breakup later. Aceept that people are as they are, don't try or wish for them to change.

Maybe your boyfriend has done you a disservice by spending so much on all those fancy dinners, sure he's a little solvent as an engineer and living at home, don't worry, I didn't miss that part, but unfortunately I think he's got you believing he's much more liquid than he might be. A $1400 purse is an extravagance at almost any income level, but certainly for an engineer's. I understand it was an anniversary gift, but girl-- That's a hell of a lot of money to ask for in a gift, quite cheeky, I'd say ;-) Just because your man can, doesn't mean your man should. See? Where's the long-range thinking?

About you having to describe exactly what gift you want- hey, us engineers like specs with our requirements lists, we work exceptionally well with that ;-) Like I said, en-guh-neers aren't all that well-equipped for romance. Something that just kind of needs to be accepted. We do really well in the creativity and execution part of it, though!

Seems like you broke up because of what "could" happen, rather than what was actually going on in your day-to-day? I understand you've got busy schedules and such, but if you go onto the LDR board, they have plenty of ideas for how to ignite and keep a spark going over long-distance. Phone sex and mailed-through-the-post-office letters and gifts, OPEN discussion come to mind.

I'd still send the purse back with a nice note, that way it's not like a begruding thing on your part. Class, chica. If at some point in the future you two get back togehter and work things out, I'm sure you'll see it again. If things don't work out, you don't have to carry your lipstick and wallet along with all that bad karma.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2008
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 2:45am
Hey I'm going to go to medical school too! I want to go into pulmonary cardiology and eventually be a cardiac surgeon. And I want to go the Mayo Clinic School of Medicine (everyone I know gets rejected from there, they're acceptance rate is like, 2.5%, but I'm determined). What area are you focusing on, or are you? Where do you go?




ANYWAYS... If money's too important to a guy, I always think that's bad news. Worse than if he thought think money isn't important in life (because really, it's not).



I recently, very recently, broke up with a guy that would constantly shell out a lot of money too (the guy chartered a private jet for my birthday to take me to this restaurant, but we'd only been together 5 months). I always, ALWAYS kept telling him it's not how much he spends and made it clear crystal clear I don't need these things; anybody can throw down a credit card for dinner. Anybody. But not everybody would slave for 4 hours to make me a chicken packed with asparagus and parmesan with a mushroom terragon sauce.





I don't think you should keep the purse. Unless you really, really love it and have no other purse. If a guy treated me that way, I would not let him make me a charity case or let him hold that against me (because this guy sounds like the kind of guy that WILL hold it against you because deep down, if it were something he could use, if this were a car or iPhone or something, he'd keep it).



" He blatantly states that money is incredibly important to him. Sometimes I think it is more important than me. My question is why does he act so outwardly generous when inside he's counting the pennies?"

Because he thinks he can buy you, that's why. He's mad now because he spent all this money and he thinks he got ripped off. Because now you want a break. He thinks he bought you. All that money he paid, he didn't do it out of the kindness of his heart, or because he genuinely thought you'd love the food, or anything like that. I really believe he thought he was buying you.



Oh, and I'm an only child too. My parents adored me too, and spoiled me. And a lot, I mean, a LOT of people in my life have problems with parts of my personality that they think trace back to my being a spoiled only child. I mean, everybody's different, but I personally would never date another only, because we're not happy when things don't go our way (but THAT is not our fault, but I won't get into that now).

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." -Confucius

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." -Confucius

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2008
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 2:57am

Gifts and flowers say a lot about how well a guy knows a girl, I think. So do engagement rings, but those aren't usually frequent.

If he gets you a gift that is totally not you, or flowers that are totally not you, I think it's a red flag. Especially if it's a gift that you can tell he didn't put a lot of thought about YOU into.

And given how long you two were together, it's stupid that money is even an issue. He obviously sees it as "his" money. I know I didn't earn NEARLY what my ex did, but after about a year, he did start to think of our finances jointly, that we were in this together. I... just don't think this guy sounds very appealing. Ethically, he puts me off. Those types of guys always end up divorcing their wives for someone younger and hotter, and then hire the best lawyer to make sure she doesn't get any of "his" money.

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." -Confucius

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." -Confucius

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 6:14am

Hi-


Please give him the purse back. I agree it was "tacky" of him, but obviously does not have anough class to recognize this. Money cannot buy him that. I do not care how much he makes, how expensive his parents'

seachells

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2008
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 10:42am

Thanks for your input, girls!

I see the point that not everyone thinks the same as me and that maybe I should cut him some slack for being “practical.” I was trained as an engineer at Berkeley so I do know what type of guy I am dealing with. In fact, I had a falling out with one of my bf and my mutual friends because of money- he had graciously paid for a lot of our meals together even when I told him we’d split (maybe 2-3 x a year, no more than $40 ea time) but then suddenly said one day “I am not going to pay for you anymore” and expected me to pay all the time. Maybe because I am going to be a doctor these guys think they’re just pouring money into the “investment” and one day I will be their sugar mama? Gross.

I sent my bf a check for $1400 today. I hope it makes him feel like a fool. It’s only money to me- a lot of money, of course, but well worth my freedom and peace of mind whether or not we stay together. If we do stay together I don’t want him to be secretly bitter about it; if we don’t I would like to use the purse with a clear conscience. It’s less than 2 month’s rent anyway…not like my bf would know what it is like to pay rent.

Also, I don’t mean to be disrespectful of you only children out there. Some of my best friends are. You’ve guys got a lot on your shoulders, and I definitely don’t envy that. As a middle child I like to fly under the radar sometimes, but there are drawbacks to that too. Though relationships should be evaluated on a case by case basis, I wonder if there are birth orders that are less compatible?

crashdoll:
Best of luck to you as you apply to med school. It is an arduous and nerve-wracking process to be sure, but your determination will pay off. Mayo Clinic is definitely among the best of the best. (There’s what- 40 students a class while most schools have 100-200?) I go to Case Western Reserve University SOM in Cleveland. I don’t recommend that you come here since our new curriculum is still being tested out (students in my class are the guinea pigs. great), but of course you are free to choose. I am starting wards soon (hence, 80 hrs/week). I am also interested in surgery, though I wonder if the environment is right for me given that it can be such a boy’s club.
If you have any other questions please let me know!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 1:28pm

::I sent my bf a check for $1400 today.


You bought the purse, GOOD FOR YOU!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 1:56pm

I think that was a good choice and I can understand your hope that he feels like a fool ;-).


Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 3:47pm

Good for you, there's nothing like the feeling of complete and total freedom from someone who thought they "had" you. What's especially beautiful is that you can purchase it yourself, thereby showing him he's not really, nor had he ever, had any knd of hold or something "over" on you.

Nicely done. Now just make sure he actually cashes the check.

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