Right relationship, wrong timing?
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| Mon, 08-20-2007 - 9:29pm |
I wish they had a roller coaster emoticon, because thats what I am on. This is my first posting after alot of reading.
For the past year, I have been dating the man, I knew on day one would be my husband one day. We met, he unlocked my car for me. We talked. He was still living with his soon to be ex wife. We talked for a month or two and went on a few coffee runs together after work. We stopped talking and magically didnt see each other for 8 months (we work for the same dept and he is right across the street). Happened to call one day and he answered. Holy cow, he took my breathe away. We were together every single day after that magical phone call. He told me that first night, he knew one day he would marry me, the moment he heard my voice again.
His wife had moved out. We started dating about 5 months after that. 3 months into it, I had to tell him, if you dont file for divorce, Im out. He filed. He is a complacent person emotionally, usually.He doesnt believe conflict belongs in a relationship. His wife cheated for years and he never raised his voice at her. He becomes numb and suppresses emotion. He deals with depression. None f those red flags bother me, because he is the man I love and loved since day one. I can deal with it all aside from when there was a bit of a conflict, he would bail out claiming he needed time. I of course never understood this and took it personally. When we would get back together, after a hell of a time, he would tell me he appreciated the chasing. He knew I loved him like no one had ever loved him. Fast forward to this time....our anniversery.
After a really rough up and down year and dealing with his ups and downs and issues, we had deteremined we were going to keep at it. He was going to go to counseling. I would join him for couples eventually. We had a good 3 weeks going for us---he was practically living with me and my son and his kids were there too. We were finally becoming what we had always wanted---a family. On our anniversery, he had things all planned out as a surprise. I made one off the cuff comment and he said "we are done, thats it". HUH? He had a ring and planned to propose. I would have said no, because we werent at a place for that but I think we definetly cojuld have been.
He said we are absolutely done this time. He has given up. I fought it, like he has always wanted me to do in the past, this time it just pissed him off. Oh he is mad and angry at me, even yelling. Rmember, never yelled at his cheatin ex wife. He is blaming me for things. Im so shocked and stunned. I kept chasing until today. Its 10 days later. He cant believe the irriationality I have with all of this. His therapist that he started to see (after giving up on me and him after I stood by for a year) said he needs to cut all dysfunction out of his life. He says that the harder I push, the more he wants to run far far away from me. He says he is 100% sure he is done with the relationship and me. But when I ask him to think about it, he says he will. Is he patronizing? Is he using anger as his stronghold? What is going on in this man's head. Tomorrow will be day 1 with no contact from my behalf. I committeed to my friends and my therapist that I would do this.
No one in our lives believes this is over. Our mutual friends, his boss, my boss, my family---he is the only one seeing that is over. I love this man. i want to stick by and be strong, but good gosh, I dont know. Im up and down. We broke up to get off the roller coaster----why am I on it? He says he hasnt eaten in a week, and its killing him but heknows he is done. Am I stupid for hoping?
Ive never felt so strongly about my first and his too.....this is it for me. I am just looking for thoughts, suggestions, advice, comfort, support. If I give him the time and space, is there hope? Is he acting out against me to help himself? Does he truly believe he hates me?
Im such a mess.

Welcome to the board justevil00,
I have to take this one step-by-step because your perception of what things should be vs. what they are (or were) is slightly out of whack (no offense intended).
::For the past year, I have been dating the man, I knew on day one would be my husband one day. We met, he unlocked my car for me. We talked. He was still living with his soon to be ex wife.
Huge RED flag, still living with his soon-to-be-ex-wife.
I am going to rebuttal....but only on the first things you posted---the rest, I will eat, with a smile.
When I first met him, he was still living with his wife. She had cheated on him for years. They had decided to split but live in the same house till the kids got out of school. He cut ties with me because he knew it wasnt right to try to be with a new woman when he had such ties. Nothing EVER happened while that was going on.
I started to see the flag when he wouldnt file for divorce. He just didnt want to deal with it. It was fine how things were going---in his mind, until I started to express that I wasnt happy about it. Even with that, we took things slow. Never brought the kids around until the divorce was final. Never met the ex until this summer. I knew it was on his schedule, and I was fine with that.
I knew there were flags. Ive been staying with him because overall, he is truly the greatest guy in the world----aside from is emotional withdrawnness, his inability to have healthy conflict, and his passiveness. I know those are HUGE things....huge things I wont deal with in my life, but that if he could fix those, I didnt want to give up on him. And as for what he wanted....Im up and down on that one, because every time he had space before--when I would go out of town or he would, he told me he got a clear head to think and he knew I was what he wanted. It was definetly not going the way I wanted---Ive been so close to jumping off this path for a long time. We work together and all of our friends would use this phrase "right relationship, wrong time".
I stuck by asking him about counseling and what not. He had made the appointment to get counseling, but he "exploded" like you said, befre this could happen.
ANYWAYS---I appreciate your input and its not anything that I havent heard. We both knew we shouldnt be together right now. I guess we both just hoped we could work it out without splitting up.
What has happened. We talked Sunday night and he chewed me a new butthole about how angry and pissed he was about himself putting himself in a vulnerable position and him feeling like I threw it in his face. He implied things being my fault. We got into and he said that rationally it makes no sense to him but yes, he is angry and pissed at me. Whatever. He knows that I love him and I have stood by his side longer than anyone ever has and put up with so much crap but that hes angry at me. At the beginning he said we were 100% done, then he said partway through that he hasnt given up all hope on us yet, but he just needs time and therapy. Ok. fine. He asked if we could meet Tue (tonight) evening at a mutual time and place. Sure, fine.
After that convo though I got mad, and realized hes never really given this relationship a chance----maybe because he didnt want to, and maybe because he couldnt. But regardless to blame me. Not going to take it. So I wasgoing to stand him up tonight. Girlfriends said that wasnt nice so I texted him and told him in terminolgy that he would understand that I was done, he didnt have toworry about today, he has what he wants----time to heal.
So I was so strong today. I havent given up hope but gave up the control on it all. Again, I love the man. But I got an interoffice mail from him---which to me was a slap in the face. He was returning a project that he had volunteered to work on and returned it without comment or completion. After asking for NO CONTACT....he coudlnt wait a couple of weeks to return it? Im looking at it that he was looking to see if he could get a response out of me to further his anger at me or to letme know how it feels when I wanted to bealone and I wouldnt allow it.
Ive come to believe he is using his anger to mask his caringness and compassion for me. He knows thats his only barrier. We are not only bf/gf (were) but bestfriends as well. PLUS, we work together....well, for the same dept. When I saw him on sunda, we laughed and joked around and he put his arm around me and rubbed my back. But then 2 hours later, angry again.
He does need to deal, and I need to let him. Its the only hope for us.
Thanks for your honesty and letting me vent.
When being passive for someone has worked for so long, most do not ever change. I understand wanting him to and hoping he would. It must be very painful at this point to look back on what was and wasn't done....
Good for you for getting mad. You deserve better than him blaming you for what he's not be able to deal with for a long time.
As far as the emailed project.... ah, who can say. Break-ups are never easier and I think they are much harder when a) you work with that person and/or b) still live with that person.
Vent any time.