The Right Words

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
The Right Words
2
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 10:39pm

I want to and I am going to break up with my boyfriend of 9 months. He truly is a wonderful person, but we have very different life goals, and at 41, I can't waste my time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: bosoxlady
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 2:03am

Hi and welcome to the board bosoxlady,

Breakups are difficult at best and I'm glad you're asking for help with finding a kind way to end the relationship. It'll be better for you both in the long run.

For starters, I would definitely not utter the word "waste" in reference to the time you've either spent with him or might have spent with him. You did find out that you're not romantically compatible, so that in and of itself isn't a waste. I wouldn't say it at all.

I would definitely speak to him in person and emphasize a couple of really good specific qualities about him, and really, just say the part about how your life goals seem to be on different pages and that you both deserve to be with someone who shares those. That you understand that he may need some time, but that you are firm in your decision (you are, aren't you?). I would leave out the part about hoping you can be friends later, saying that actually backfires more than anything else, no matter how good the intentions are. Don't mention any open doors or the future because depending on how he handles it, he may interpret that as being a confusing statement on being able to rekindle things later. Overall, if the breakup is handled with compassion, respect, and courtesy, the chances for a follow-on friendship later on in time are pretty high.

At this point, it's possible he may try to change your mind, but again, stay kind, repeat that he's great but you don't see the compatibility in the relationship that you need at this point, and restate your mind is made up. Don't get into a long, drawn-out and painful discussion about faults or missed opportunities. He may have some questions for you, tread lightly there, if he asks if there's anything he can do to change your mind, you really have to know that going in so figure it out now. Habits can change, values usually cannot. Some folks on this board may cringe, but don't get dragged into the, "What's wrong with me?" discussion with him. Don't answer those at all even if you think he needs to work on some things, it's possible someone else will accept him exactly as he is, and besides, he really doesn't want to know even though he'll think he does. Plus, it's not a good idea to kick a man when he's down. Then again, he may agree readily with you that it's for the best or even say he's also been thinking about it, so be prepared to be graceful through that.

If I might ask, what are the specific reasons you don't see compatibility between you? Since you're talking about your age and wasting time, I'm going to guess it's about children?

Good luck, let us know how it goes and keep posting, being the breaker is many times as difficult as being the breakee.

P.S. Let's go, Red Sox :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
In reply to: bosoxlady
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 7:18am

Hi Sandra,


Thank you for your well thought out reply. You gave me some great ideas. As you asked yes kids are an issue. I am divorced with 2 kids. Who are in college and high school respectively, and I want more children, he does. Also he wants marriage and I don't. I am set in my finances and career. He is not.