the road less traveled

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
the road less traveled
2
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 4:52pm
i have a question, and wanted some input:

after your s/o cheated and left you for the other man/woman; did they come back? if so, was it ever the same?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 5:34pm
My ex husband cheated on me the first 2 years we were together. I took him back after about a year, and we went through therapy and stayed married for another 12 years. It was really hard to get that trust back, but it is possible. I guess it depends on how willing the couple is to work it out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:21pm
It seems cliche to say that people cheat for different reasons, but acknowledge that at least one reason someone will cheat is because he/she has come to realize that the relationship is over, but cannot seem to take matters in hand and break up with their partner. Or maybe, they've tried before, and the partner comes back, persists, just seems devastated and unable to move on, or the party who wants to leave doesn't have the willpower to resist the residual feelings/attraction, whatever. At any rate, for some, cheating can be like throwing a grenade into the relationship, a way to finally and irrevocably destroy it, so there's no option of going back. Ask yourself if that could be what happened with your relationship. Understand why the affair happened - because sometimes people feel neglected, burned out, unattractive, whatever, and maybe that can be addressed. But if adultery was their way of breaking out of a relationship that became sort of like prison, you can't really expect them to happily put back on the shackles and pretend all is well. You don't want to put yourself through that pattern of relationships that experience repeated infidelities, short-term separations, major problems that eventually degenerate to total ending - if it looks like there's nothing there to resuscitate, let it die, don't spend years of your life unhappily trying to get your partner to love you again.

Sometimes, like a third-rate horror flick, you get a person back in body but not in spirit. Maybe their guilt or the weight of other people's expectations will bring them back, maybe they'll try to "work at it" like a good soldier, but if their heart is not in it, it doesn't matter that they're physically present. The cheater has to want to make it work, has to feel remorse and feel that your relationship is a rare and precious and wonderful thing that has to be saved. They can't just be persuaded to come back and try again. The motivation has to come from within. Otherwise, you're living with a virtual zombie, someone who's going through the motions with you but not really WITH you, and you don't actually just want a hollow shell of the person you loved. Yes, I think that a relationship can be saved after infidelity, if that is what both partners really want, and if both partners are prepared for a lot of work and pain and certainly therapy.