Role Reversal
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| Fri, 04-29-2005 - 12:14pm |
Hello, everybody, I haven't posted here in a couple of weeks, but I'm sure most of you remember my story. Boyfriend and I dated for about 5.5 years and have been living together for nearly 4. After moving to his home state last summer I thought we would be engaged, however Boyfriend told me in early March that he was having trouble with the thought of being committed to me forever and that he wasn't sure if we should stay together or not. Naturally I was exteremely crushed, but after a couple of weeks of telling him how much he meant to me, I knew I had to go.
I started looking for apartments, but I will admit it has taken me longer than expected mostly because I need to find a roommate and one that will not mind my 150 lb. shedding, drooling, wonderful dog. But I've looked at several places and have started to pack up my things. I felt like I was going through a divorce, but I knew it was time for me to move on because I'd given it all I had. I finally started feeling a little better a few weeks ago, but in the process I think Boyfriend was getting more and more scared.
And that's where we get to the heart of the problem I'm having now. Boyfriend never wanted me to move out, he never even wanted to break up, he just told me that he didn't know what he wanted. I took this as a clue that I had to get out since we were not on the same page. But I hated that I had to take the initiative since he seemed to be too cowardly to do it. I know this has been hard on him, but what am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait for him to make up his mind? So a couple of nights ago Boyfriend sat me down and told me that he was so so sorry for what he had done, that he realized he was an idiot and that he did want to marry me. I told him not to toy with me and that he should have thought of that two months ago. He said that he was sorry, but I just left to go to bed. Then last night he brought it up again and asked me if I wanted to go look at rings next weekend. I told him no because I didn't feel the same way about him and that seemed to really crush him.
Now I feel really stuck. I do love him dearly, but I don't think he has any clue what the past couple of months have been like for me. I honestly felt like my life was over. Where was he when I kept puking because I was so nauseous? Where was he when I was crying my eyes out because I felt so rejected? I'm angry that he thinks he can just say "Okay, I do want to marry you now" and I'm supposed to jump for joy. I just feel like the past couple of months have been so hard on me that I don't know if I can go back to feeling the way I used to about him. I told him not to talk to me about it at all for at least a week and to let me think. I don't think Boyfriend realizes how badly I felt--he claims that he never ever meant for me to feel like I needed to leave. I just don't know what to do. I know this is what I wanted two months ago, but I'm full of so much anger right now that I sort of want to tell him to shove the ring where the sun doesn't shine. I did start seeing a therapist after the breakup and I do want to talk to him about my anger regarding this. Do you think this is normal or am I just going crazy?

Yes, I think your reaction is normal...how could you NOT be angry at him? But OTOH, doubt and uncertainty are pretty normal also...I know several happily married couples who only got married after a period of time apart.
I would say that if you're going to have any chance of having things work out, the two of you need to go to couples counseling. Perhaps your individual counselor will have some suggestions on a good one. In the meantime, I think it makes sense for you to continue your preparations to move, and not move back in together until the wedding is imminent (if you ever get to that point).
Sheri