Rough night, feeling very sad and lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Rough night, feeling very sad and lonely
5
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 8:27pm

My boyfriend and I split almost three months ago. It was amicable and mutual, as much as those things can be, and we have been in contact during this time, though we haven't seen each other. I was completely heartbroken at first, but after about a week of crying I started to feel better. The bottom line is that I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is not thinking about a future with me.

The problem is that lately I've felt horrible. Part of the reason is that he is not reaching out to me anymore. I am the one emailing and calling, and he only responds. I am plagued by the feeling that he has met someone else. I don't think he would tell me. I am realist, and a big girl--I understood that unless he underwent some radical transformation, we were not going to reconcile. But I was hoping that we would stay in touch and perhaps still be able to have a physical relationship (no judgements, please). It seems now that he wants neither, and it is killing me.

I miss being with him, having his arms around me. The void right now is overwhelming. I just needed to get that out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 8:53pm
Dear elenneh,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know how you feel. It is so hard to let go. But you're just dragging this out and prolonging the pain. You've made it real easy for this guy to feel good about himself; you've had an amicable breakup, and haven't made any scenes I guess, and stayed friends with him. So he doesn't have to feel like a jerk, afterall. He's thinking, hey, that was easy. Why does he deserve to get off the hook like that?!? You love him so much, and little does he care! Do yourself a favor. Buy something really, really nice for you -- go out and treat yourself. Do whatever it takes to make you feel better at least for the moment. But whatever you do, don't call him, don't write him, if he calls you don't return his calls, don't return his e-mails -- you need to get him out of your system once and for all. I promise you, it's hard, I've been there and I'm doing it right now! But, it is really the only way to go. You can't be "friends" -- that's just ridiculous, you're just hanging on for hope and it's killing you. It probably would be healthier for you if you allowed yourself to get really angry at him. Maybe someday you guys can be friendly acquaintances, (at some point you won't care either way, I promise) but for now, you've got to take care of YOU, and start feeling better. Hang in there, this too shall pass.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 11:28pm

Hey Elanneh,

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I was also in a similar relationship for four years. I was never factored into his future. I broke up with him a few times thoughout the relationship and always went back b/c I missed him so much. This last time he did the breaking up (so to speak, too long to get into). For me it has only been a month, but I have had not contact with him at all. There is someone out there for you that wants YOU in their future and you deserve that. Your ex isn't going to give it to you. Try not to think about him with someone else. I do the same thing and it just devastates me. He will treat the next person the same way he treated you. Do you feel any relief that you are no longer with him? You can now move on to find someone else. Maybe not right now, but when you are over him and are in a better state of mind.

So my advise. No contact whatsoever. You deserve better. Move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 12:21am

Sit down and ask yourself - why am I keeping in contact with him? What is my motive? Ask YOURSELF, don't give the answer you expect your friends or we want to hear.

Do you want him back because you want to hang around and hope he'll spontaneously change his mind about the future?

Do you want to hang around to make sure he doesn't being a relationship with anyone else? Or try and sabatoge his relationship with someone else?

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 1:26am

Welcome to the board elanneh,


The grief you feel is normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 8:50pm

I'm keeping in contact with him because I miss him. I would never sabotage a relationship of his...but maybe subconsciously I want to make sure he doesn't get involved with someone else. I don't know. A lot to think about.

He's a good guy, and always treated me well. He's just not at a point in his life where he wants to settle down, and may never be. The relationship could have gone on indefinitely, but I just couldn't handle it. I know girls who've "hung on" and now they're married... I really hate thinking about that. I'd like to think that if it's right, it's RIGHT. I'd like to think that he'd know if he wants to be with me, that I wouldn't have to hang around and try to persuade him.

Carrie, thanks for the article. I'm about to read it now :)