Rough Week, Feels Like the First
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 06-30-2007 - 10:33am |
I am having a really hard week, and it feels a lot like the first few weeks following my breakup. (Many) other posts here about that, but the recap: two years, me 27 he is 33, sudden breakup, but peaceful, sad. He didn't know what he wanted, couldn't continue. No contact or plans for it. It's been about 7 weeks.
I feel so hurt that it seems that he is doing so well without me, like life is so much better now that I am not in it. He refuses to talk about us or the breakup with our friends. They bring me up and he changes the topic. He is so private and just won't talk about the breakup or me, even to his best friends, whom he's known forever. It just seems like such a disservice to me, to us, that it's not even worth the breath. He's just shelved all of it and isn't looking back. I get this clear visual of him shutting the door to the past two years and walking off, never once looking over his shoulder. If he has to do that to move on, then I guess that is good for him. But it makes me feel so dispensable and disposable, like two years was nothing and that I mean nothing. It is really hard to feel that way and to still wish I was with him and things were different. Things are a little dicey at work. Talks of cuts and the like. I feel vulnerable with my career right now. And soon as it all came down this week, I just wanted to go to him. He was my constant support and since he was 6 years older, had a lot of good advice to give. He knew my goals and fears of career. My friends can listen and give advice, sure, but I always confided in him and sought his take. This is the first issue that has come up since our breakup where I truly needed him and he is not there.
I found out today that he bought a new house. Not a surprise, we looked at new homes for him over the winter, went to some open houses. But he had dropped the search awhile back. So, I guess recently, who knows, he found a place, put a bid in and closed on it. He is moving this weekend. My friend who told me told me because she wanted to show me exactly how private he is being...that all of this happened and he only told our mutual friends (he is best friends with the husband of the friend I mentioned above) two weeks ago. So he decides to buy a new home and move and only tells his best friend after it's a done deal, two weeks before he moves. It's a little weird, but I guess he is just hiding a lot of stuff away, being super private.
It hurts me for a few reasons. I always thought that his next home would be ours together, that'd we'd move in together when it was purchased. And it hurts because he seems to be doing so great -- having a blast this summer, buying a new house. Everything is all ponies and rainbows after leaving me it seems. I also think about his current home and that I did leave a lot of stuff there when I packed up my things and left. I wonder what he'll do with it all -- throw it out, box it up. What will he do with the top drawer filled with photos and cards from our relationship....throw them out or put them away in some box that may never be opened again. He'll be moving into a brand new place that has no memories or pieces of me in it. It's another fresh start for him, with no lingering memories. He'll no longer see the tile floor that we put in together, or look at the walls we painted. He won't stumble across the books or pictures I left behind. He won't open his medicine cabinet and see the lipstick I accidentally left. All that stuff will be tossed or packed. All the last traces of me. It makes me so sad. He's not talking to me, he's not talking about me, he is probably not letting himself think of me much, and now he won't have any residuals of me physically when he moves.
I really want him to be happy and successful and find peace. I have so much love and pride for him I honestly want him to succeed. But I still feel hurt. I try to remind myself that me wanting him to excel and be happy is good...that I am not immature or bitter. But it also does not seem "fair" that he seems to be doing so wonderfully and being so happy and content and rid of me, and I am just stuck feeling so low and missing him.
It seems like everything is just so perfect for him. That now that he is rid of me, he has this fantastic life out on his boat, with friends, a brand new house. And I feel like my life is just crumbling. I feel so out of control and I miss him so much right now. The pain is so intense. I just feel erased. That he deleted me from his life and just continues to erase every last thought and physical memory. And I am such a wreck right now, I just want him and to be with him.
I am trying so hard to be positive and to move away from things. I truly am. I'm just not able to do that right now. Words of advice would be appreciated.

Pages
Hi Erin,
We have such similar stories and I am having an awful week as well! Every day I had to bolt out of work because I couldn't hold back the tears anymore by the time 5pm rolled around.
We were together almost 5 years and are both 27. He decided out of the blue that our relationship was missing some sort of 'electricity' (his words) and wanted out. He has refused to talk to me and won't explain anything, which I know so many of the people here recommend anyway, but I really do want to understand how I missed this all along. It is making it hard for me to heal. I have no idea what he is doing, but I feel pretty confident he is unhappy as well, and I am sure your ex is unhappy as well and he is just making all these huge decisions right now to distract himself (which also fits him not even telling his close male friends about it). I don't know why men deal with problems like this, but it certainly makes it harder on us! Hugs to you, I hope both of us feel better next week!
-Luna
hey there,
ive never written to these forums before but today after reading your letter..and realizing that a somebody else in god knows what part of the world is going through much similar feelings of hurt as i am.
i had to sign up for memebership to ivillage and i did just to reply to u
i can relate to what ur going through, mylife came upside down like yours exactly 8 mnths ago.. and today just a couple hours ago i had my last blow!
cutting a long story short.. my very first relationship, lasted 3yrs, we are both 25 now and were both first for each other in everyway
very close and kind to each other even after our break ups( we had a couple within those 3yrs but we always ended up togther within a couple of months)
but last yr end of oct,06 we finally broke up..
the reason: he is from a different ethnic background and our relationship was not acceptable to his family..
i was devastated
during our last conversations he always said how he will need yrs before he moves on and i had all the reasons to believe him cuz the relationship was pretty good in general.
(although he was not as sure abt me as i was abt him.. the reason for are earlier break ups and breaks..but he himself came back both times making me believe that he does love me and cant live without)
eventually, we broke up 8 months ago in 0ct,06 and werent in contact at all until jan 07, then we started talking only as friends and thigns were just fine.
in feb i came to find out from somebody else that he had been goin out with this other girl only a month or so after our break up...
i confronted him and he admitted it but he also told me that he has wanted to end this new relationship for some time now and that he never had his heart in it at all.. infact he had broken up only a week before i found out abt it.
the fact that he hooked up with this girl and it took him only a month after we broke up killed me inside...
we were togtehr for 3 yrs and the relationship was pretty good.
it took him only a month to move on and that made me veryyy bitter towards him
when i was goign through so much pain after breakin up with him.. he was with another girl.. like those 3 yrs didnt matter to him at all??
however at the same time something inside me did tell me that im so mad at him becuz i loved him so much.
but my bitterness towards him was evident
over a period of 3-4 months my anger and hurt started to calmed down. all this while we managed to continue talking within decent limits and we started to rebuild our friendship again.. we started chilling together with other friends and
basically things started getting better between us
somehow to me it seemd that there was still some hope..( i dont understand how his going out with another girl made me want him even more but it did)
however deep down in my heart i knew i wud never be able to trust him fully for a long time
i wasnt very sure about my feelings of wanting him back and for the past cpuple of weeks i knew i had to ask him just one more time if we had any chance.
i had to ask him now cuz in two weeks i am leaving for the country for a couple of months
i knew that if i didnt raise th qs abt us once more time before i left i wud always regret it.
somehow i felt the courage and the right instinct to ask him today if he still had feelings for me...
he said yes... but
he aslso mentioned that he has 'sort of' moved on and that he has accepted the fact that we will not be together now.
but his reply has totally shattered me once again today...
although i already knew that we might not be togter but just the fact that he actually
admitted that he has moved on crumpled my heart
today.. its been exactly 8 months after our breakup and my heart is still aching to find out that he has rejected me.. it did not take him even a minute to say that he has moved on.
im not sure if its hurting me cuz he rejected me today and i had never expected him to say in such a brutally honest way that he has moved on
or is it hurting me cuz today for the first time i have lost hope!
either way i feel dejected and hurt and lost as much as i did the first night of my break up.
so tonight when i was going through all these 'break up' forums .. and read ur letter i felt that u have written it for me... i felt like i was not alone..i felt like u have somhow read my mind, felt my pain and all of a sudden i felt heard
hey you.. dont feel that if hes not around u , u wud be alone ... he might not know or feel what ur going through these days,
and u dont need him to..
u are strong enough to rise through this low, and i hope and pray that u do
hang in there.. write to me if u feel like it, but even ifu dont i want u to know that oneday u will break through tis viscious cycle of this break up
and these attacks of depression wud come to a constant halt one day!
hang in there!
Edited 7/1/2007 4:04 am ET by brownsugardreams
Hi and welcome to the boards! Im sorry to hear about your situation but as I read your post I saw a very strong person. You made it these whole 8 months and you sound as if during that time you really worked hard to put your life back together. So be proud of you and go back to what you were doing. While your at it look for someone else to share all your wonderful qualities with, someone that truly deserves your love.
There was one part of your post that stood out to me, you wrote:
"im not sure if its hurting me cuz he rejected me today and i had never expected him
to say in such a brutally honest way that he has moved on
or is it hurting me cuz today for the first time i have lost hope!"
Ive been where you are today, actually Im there right now..and I can say to you I think its the "lost hope" that is hurting you, Im feeling the same way. I held on for a long time hoping we would find our way back as we always have, but just last week, I remember just going from thinking of him to breaking down and crying, and I realized at that moment it was over....he wasnt coming back.
Its a hard feeling to process and accept, but you need to as much as I do, because its time to move on and let it go now. Im much older than you, I could be your mom, and if you were my daughter Id tell you the same thing....but you know its ironic that Im having trouble taking my own advice. LET IT GO...no man is worth this...trust me.
Thanks for your post, it helped me, because as I read it, I thought of my own daughter and found myself feeling mad, thinking if this was Jac., Id tell her to walk away....yet it gave me more push to keep walking myself.
See I just started no contact again for the like 100th time! LOL...I actually slept with this man the other night, thinking it would change things, pretty sad for a wise woman of 47!! I only have a day and a half under my belt..but Im determined this time.
If I could send a message to any of the young people here it would be, dont make the mistake I made the other night(sex) it only brings more pain, and dont ever let any man take away your sense of self and pride...We are each special and unique in our own way and if any man in our lives cant see that .....THEN HES NOT WORTH IT!
Take care of yourself!
Hi Erin,
Don't let your thoughts and head get the best of you.
Hi Erin,
I'm going through a fit of sadness right now too. Like you, I had a peaceful breakup, but unexpected and sad. He just didn't see himself ever settling down. We were together for a year and a half. We're both in our late 20s.
We broke up almost a month ago, and have spoken occasionally since. I thought I was doing better until tonight, when I spoke to him and he so obviously was doing better, sounding happier and...over it. I thought I was doing better too, until after we hung up and I started crying. I haven't let this go.
I liked what you said about wishing the best for your ex, because I feel the same way about my ex, I really do. I respect him and care about him and I want him to be happy. I'm just still so hurt. Things between us were so good and I have a hard time accepting the fact that it's over.
You know, I think the fact that your ex is not discussing you with anyone is proof positive that he's hurting. I think the fact that he's "moving on" (in a literal way) shows that he is affected by the breakup. It seems to me that it is not easy for him at all. Perhaps he doesn't discuss the relationship because he doesn't want to entertain the possibility that he made a mistake, or the fact that he hurt you. It's hard when someone is a closed book.
So, yeah, I think my ex isn't probably having a great time, I'm sure he's still sad a bit, but it just sucks when it seems like he has moved on completely.
I hope we both feel better soon... I know we will.
Anne
>>We broke up almost a month ago, and have spoken occasionally since. I thought I was doing better until tonight, when I spoke to him and he so obviously was doing better, sounding happier and...over it. I thought I was doing better too, until after we hung up and I started crying. I haven't let this go.<<
Don't let him fool you. My ex was "so obviously" doing better too when we talked. but then it came to be known that he just didn't feel anything. He didn't feel pain, or happiness. he felt nothing.
We do it here too, we tell other posters to be fake and make him think you're doing great. "Let him miss you" we say. Isn't it quite possible he's doing the same thing? When you got off the phone you started to cry...what did he do when he got off the phone? you'll never know.
Damn our heads they talk us into such a sad state of affairs. I know exactly how you're feeling.
Pages