Rough Week, Feels Like the First

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Rough Week, Feels Like the First
14
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 10:33am

I am having a really hard week, and it feels a lot like the first few weeks following my breakup. (Many) other posts here about that, but the recap: two years, me 27 he is 33, sudden breakup, but peaceful, sad. He didn't know what he wanted, couldn't continue. No contact or plans for it. It's been about 7 weeks.

I feel so hurt that it seems that he is doing so well without me, like life is so much better now that I am not in it. He refuses to talk about us or the breakup with our friends. They bring me up and he changes the topic. He is so private and just won't talk about the breakup or me, even to his best friends, whom he's known forever. It just seems like such a disservice to me, to us, that it's not even worth the breath. He's just shelved all of it and isn't looking back. I get this clear visual of him shutting the door to the past two years and walking off, never once looking over his shoulder. If he has to do that to move on, then I guess that is good for him. But it makes me feel so dispensable and disposable, like two years was nothing and that I mean nothing. It is really hard to feel that way and to still wish I was with him and things were different. Things are a little dicey at work. Talks of cuts and the like. I feel vulnerable with my career right now. And soon as it all came down this week, I just wanted to go to him. He was my constant support and since he was 6 years older, had a lot of good advice to give. He knew my goals and fears of career. My friends can listen and give advice, sure, but I always confided in him and sought his take. This is the first issue that has come up since our breakup where I truly needed him and he is not there.

I found out today that he bought a new house. Not a surprise, we looked at new homes for him over the winter, went to some open houses. But he had dropped the search awhile back. So, I guess recently, who knows, he found a place, put a bid in and closed on it. He is moving this weekend. My friend who told me told me because she wanted to show me exactly how private he is being...that all of this happened and he only told our mutual friends (he is best friends with the husband of the friend I mentioned above) two weeks ago. So he decides to buy a new home and move and only tells his best friend after it's a done deal, two weeks before he moves. It's a little weird, but I guess he is just hiding a lot of stuff away, being super private.

It hurts me for a few reasons. I always thought that his next home would be ours together, that'd we'd move in together when it was purchased. And it hurts because he seems to be doing so great -- having a blast this summer, buying a new house. Everything is all ponies and rainbows after leaving me it seems. I also think about his current home and that I did leave a lot of stuff there when I packed up my things and left. I wonder what he'll do with it all -- throw it out, box it up. What will he do with the top drawer filled with photos and cards from our relationship....throw them out or put them away in some box that may never be opened again. He'll be moving into a brand new place that has no memories or pieces of me in it. It's another fresh start for him, with no lingering memories. He'll no longer see the tile floor that we put in together, or look at the walls we painted. He won't stumble across the books or pictures I left behind. He won't open his medicine cabinet and see the lipstick I accidentally left. All that stuff will be tossed or packed. All the last traces of me. It makes me so sad. He's not talking to me, he's not talking about me, he is probably not letting himself think of me much, and now he won't have any residuals of me physically when he moves.

I really want him to be happy and successful and find peace. I have so much love and pride for him I honestly want him to succeed. But I still feel hurt. I try to remind myself that me wanting him to excel and be happy is good...that I am not immature or bitter. But it also does not seem "fair" that he seems to be doing so wonderfully and being so happy and content and rid of me, and I am just stuck feeling so low and missing him.

It seems like everything is just so perfect for him. That now that he is rid of me, he has this fantastic life out on his boat, with friends, a brand new house. And I feel like my life is just crumbling. I feel so out of control and I miss him so much right now. The pain is so intense. I just feel erased. That he deleted me from his life and just continues to erase every last thought and physical memory. And I am such a wreck right now, I just want him and to be with him.

I am trying so hard to be positive and to move away from things. I truly am. I'm just not able to do that right now. Words of advice would be appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 3:45pm

Somehow I made it through a rough holiday (for us, had spent past two Fourths on vacation and had had plans for this year, too) and a solo wedding weekend. Have to admit -- there were quite a few tears during this time. Nothing makes you feel more alone than a long wedding weekend that you were supposed to be on with your ex.

I am really back to mourning what we had right now. It's like I am going through all of the healing steps, except for anger -- just can't get there, all over again. I am back at bargaining, swearing I would do anything to change the situation. I just miss us. Miss him. Miss constant weekend plans, days on the boat, spending time with his family, cooking together, traveling, just sitting on the couch with him. I miss the support of knowing he is there and the number one. The person to talk to before you go to sleep, the person you call when your plane lands. It's such a big hole I still have, now nearly 3 months later. And it feels harder now than it did a month ago.

I just see happy couples everywhere. I am so jealous of my friends, getting married, buying homes, having children. I want that. I thought I was almost there. And now I could not be further from it. It's sad. I feel like I am backpeddaling and stuck here, not progessing on any front and just falling further behind everyone around me.

I keep trying to think that things can only get better, but maybe they have to get a little worse for awhile before that happens. All I know is, nothing seems better now than before. I just lost a lot when he left and my confidence was left, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 10:29pm

I've been going through it, too. I was doing great, going out, having fun. Then the past two days I really missed my ex. It's been about five weeks since we split. It really hurts because he was my best friend and my lover and I don't have any of that anymore. Although I don't miss the bad things, I do miss the good things. It just frustrates me because I was in his life one day and gone the next (his choice) and it seems like he doesn't even miss me. Maybe he does but I'll never know since we'll probably never speak again.

I realized something going out. I ran into two ex boyfriends that I dated in my twenties (I'm now in my mid 30s). I loved these exes and was devastated when we broke up. Do you know what? I saw them the other night, talked, got caught up on each ohter's lives. Do you know what...I felt nothing for them anymore since all this time passed. I really looooved them when we were a couple.

My only hope is that when I see my recent ex eventually, I won't have that feeling anymore. Sorta the way I didn't have the feeling when I ran into my other exes recently. I know its weird but that is my goal - to run into him someday and feel nothing. Here's hoping!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 5:46pm

i was reading through some messages and read what you wrote. its insane, you think youre the only one in the world feeling the way you do; then boom! you see someones message and you think WOW....THEY MUST FEEL THE WAY THAT I DO. same thing with me. i have a few posts up, that i wrote yesterday about what happend. i feel the same way, i wish him the best etc etc but i feel like hes already happy and over it. and it hasnt even been two weeks yet. i know hes upset...and was very upset, but he broke it off ( saying i wasnt the one for him)....i didnt see any of this coming. i was in love and so happy. now i feel sooooo miserable and cant get over it. we decided no contact, but its soo hard, i miss him so much and just want to talk. this is just such a miserable situation for all of us isnt it? i guess its nice to talk to people that feel the same way. do you chat on any messangers? aim?

:) i hope you feel better...and i hope i do too :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 3:45pm

I am so sorry you feel this way and are going through a hard breakup. It is comforting, though sad, to know others know how you feel firsthand.

I'm not in AIM or anything, but post here from time to time. Post whenever you want -- posting and reading replies is really helpful.

No contact can be really good, though hard. It is not for everyone, but as excruciating as it can be, I think it can sometimes really help.

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