Rug ripped from under me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Rug ripped from under me
11
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 4:06pm

I am almost 27- this is the first time a guy has broken up w/me & I don't understand what happened. We had been together for 6 months, he persued me first. The first night we met he told me that he knew I was meant for him- poured his heart out to me for 30min straight. I was very attracted to him, but confused because I was involed w/someone (for 6yrs) during the time- but I knew I wasn't happy in my relationship & wasn't "fulfilled".

Anyhow, I broke up w/my BF, and started seeing the new guy. We were long distance at first- we would email & talk everyday & he was very forward to me- I liked him alot but was unsure what I wanted since I just stepped out of a long relationship. We would spend weekends togehter & the 4th time we actually saw each other (had talked for about 2 months)he told me he was in love with me. I had fallen for him too. From there our relationshiip was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. I wound up moving to where he lived (had my own place though). He brought up marriage, took me ring shopping, flew me home to met his parents (I was the 1st GF he brought home!). About 2 months ago we both decided to move again (back to where I had lived before- and he actually used to live in that state, FL, as well & missed it so we thought it would be great). I moved back 1st & he had to finish out is job and followed 3 weeks later. When he mvoed we were going to be 3hr from each other (job reasons). A week before he moved down he said he is ready to take our relationship to the next level & wants to move in together. Neither of us had ever lived with anyone & took it as a big step. But, he said he knows I am "the one". So, we get an apartment- he was moving in first, I was to follow in about a month (had to resign from my job).

So, we spent weekends togehter furnishing our new place, etc. He actually called me one night & told me to resign from my job the next day because he missed me so much & wanted me there. SO, I quit my job the next day. Our last weekend together was great. I started moving stuff in- but wasn't "offically" moving in for another week. I had re-arranged my life to move over. So, even our last weekend together he was so excited abuot everything- everything we did (snuggling, watching TV, cooking dinner) he followed with "I can't wait to do this all the time!". We went out for dinner & he asked me where I was on the marriage subject- I asked him how he felt first & he said "I am ready, I love you so much & have never felt this way". Even that morning we were laying in bed & he said "we are going to have beautiful kids!" and he was figuring out a budget so we could get married & buy a house by next year. On Sunday night I had to start driving back home- he hugged me so much saying he wished I was already there & couldnt wait until next week when I move in, etc etc. 3hrs later I got home & called him & again he said "I miss you so much already & love you so much & am so excited for everything"......

Well, 3 days go by & I don't hear from him & I finally call him. He tells me he thinks we are moving too fast & we are not ready to move in. He also tells me that he feels I love him more then he does me (waht?!). I am shock because all he's friggin been talking about is OUR LIFE & how excited he is & how in love he is with me! I ask him "ok, you are not ready to live together, we are going to be 3hrs apart- what do you want from our relationship?"...and he basically broke up with me!!! I am soooo heartbroken, & angry!! I rearranged my life to move over there- we planned it a month agao & you tell me 1 week before I am to move???? Mostly I am upset because I love him so much & was ready to begin our lives togther...oh- and as he is breaking up w/me he told me he bought me an enagmemnt ring!!!!!!!! WTF???? It's been 3 weeks now & I am still miserable. He called me a few days after he broke up w/me & left such a nonchalent VM, like nothing had happened- he was calling to "check in". I never called him back. I emailed him about setting a time so I can get all my things back (1/2 the stuff in the apartment is mine). We've emailed like 4 times & at the end of his last 2 emails he wrote "I miss talking to you & hope we can talk when you are ready" and the last one said "I think about you alot".... It's been 3 weeks & I know if he wanted to get back together, he would have made more effort- so I guess he doesn't want me back. But, why is he writing this things at the end of his emails?? I yelled at him for leading me on & saying things w/out meaning them (the marriage, moveing in, etc). So I hope he is not stupid enough to write those things thinking I would think nothing of it... My heart hurts so much, I 've never gone through this pain- now I have no job either because of him so I am left home alone crying & thinking of things over & over...It just makes NO sense to me & that is the hardeset part- how can you look me in the eyes & tell me how in love you are w/me & promise the world & the next day take it all back?????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 4:17pm
Wow! This guy almost takes the cake from my ex...I don't know which is worse: someone who acts really "into you" and then is outright mean and then follows it up again with kindness so you don't know which way your head is spinning, or someone who is super "into you" and then just dumps you?! This behavior sounds really crazy to me...I mean the way I think about it is this: I always ask myself would I do that to another person. Would I tell someone "I loved them so much" and to "quit your job because I want to marry you" ...I mean, I don't know about you, but ask yourself: WHO DOES that!? That is not normal behavior ..that is almost pathological psychopathic behavior of a person who has NO CONSCIENCE whatsoever. I would tell you to not worry about this experience because he was obviously KEE-RAZY, but I know it hurts. Just remember this was not normal behavior...be thankful you dogded the bullet on this one!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 4:27pm
Funny you said all that...everyone that I talk to thinks he's got some sort of chemical/emotional imbalance (his mom is a manic depressive- in a hospital for many years)... THis sounds terrible to say, but it would make me feel better if he did lol (bitterness talking) But I think "well, wouldn't it have been recongnized by now??" I've never seen him take any meds or anything. It's so hard because I thought he was "the one" also, and I have never said that about anyone I dated (even the guy I was with for 6yrs!). He was everything I wanted, we were great together, had amazing chemistry- we wanted the same things in life, etc. I have never felt so in love before & always said "wow, this is what I have been missing!". It just makes NO SENSE! He was suppose to drive the 3hrs to me Sat to bring me back my stuff. I think I am going to have to reschedule- I am just not ready to see him. I have been really good about no contact. We've only been emailing because we set up a date to get my things- but when he emails, I wait about a week to respond (keep him wondering). I just can't believe it's over & I keep having these fantasies in my head how we will get back together, and I think that's not helping my "healing process". I want to ask him so many questions, I want the answers, an explaination. Last we spoke (when he broke up with me) his explination was "I don't understand it either, you are everything I want in someone". He is almost 29, has had 2 relatinships that each lasted a year. Now, I think 1 yr is not that long- so, maybe he has commitment issues?? But, how can you say you want it all & PLAN it all & walk away....????ughhh, this hurts soooo bad :o( I feel like I will never snap out of it
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 4:40pm

one thing i could tell you but i'm sorry...your exbf is psycho, a confused person and also sick in head. all those Bull shiiitt

you dont deserved him. anyways i'm assuming his doing this coz maybe he got scared coz what happen to you and your other exbf. you been dating this guy for 6yrs right and after all you choose this psycho one. maybe he think you will do same thing to him.

good luck dear

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 5:02pm

Oh, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You need to read "Men Who Can't Love" and/or "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter ASAP. The fast, strong pursuit is a classic sign of commitment issues (ironically enough!) and/or someone who is an infatuation junkie and has a totally unrealistic, fantasy-based view of relationships.

It sounds like he may well have commitment issues...because one of the signs is an inability to commit to breaking up, even!

So what steps are you taking to rebuild your life without him? I know that's probably the last thing you want to think about but focusing on practical things like finding another job, etc. will actually help.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 5:08pm
I'm trying to rebuild my life now- it's been only 3 weeks since he broke up with me, still having my daily meltdowns :o( Anyhow, I have been putting lots of resumes out- figuring out where I want to live now, etc. I guess step 1 would be a job. But, I haven't been getting much response back at all :o( I wasn't happy at my old job anyway (but I would have waited until something else came up before quitting!!). Everyone keeps saying "this is all happening for a reason & something amazing will come of it".... Well, I wish it would come fast because it sucks not having direction in your life & not knowing where you will be next. I've been in continueal relationships for the past 6.5yrs (since I was 20!) and now I am alone. It is soooo scary & empty feeling. I know I need to take a break & focus on myself, but it's hard. I miss having someone to love, that loves me, to hang out with, cuddle with, share things with. I am a BIG planner & HATE not knowing what is gonig to happen next. It is so hard. I hate this- I was SO ready to being my new life with my BF, in our new home, with a new job, etc. It all came crashing down around me & he left me to pick up the pieces. I don't know how he has the conscience to do that. although he did say "I don't want to hurt you, it kills me to hurt you"...ummm- dumbass you are breaking my heart, how could I NOT be hurt????
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 6:35pm

Men Who Can't Love will explain it all to you. I can't recommend that book enough.

A few points I learned from the book: He may not know himself well enough to know WHY he acts this way. So, seeking an explanation or closure from him is probably a waste of your time which would be better spent rebuilding your life.

This type of guy is frequently very intense and SO wonderful to be with that it is all that much harder to have them just abandon you. They make you feel so loved, so secure, so wanted, so special that it is easy to get overinvolved with them before a firm commitment, and when they leave you all of a sudden, there is a huge vacuum in your life. They make all kinds of promises. It seems so unfair. The best thing is to learn to recognize them and avoid them.

The more you try to love them, the more afraid they get. The better things are, the more fearful they become, until they bolt. There are several manifestations of this phobia (it is a real phobia; many of these people are claustrophobic, too), but I think your BF fits the Houdini type.

Remember, this has very little to do with you. Your BF probably loves you, but he is fearful, terrified about commitment. He would act this way with anyone, and probably has in his past. Nothing short of professional counseling and a willingness on his part to change will cure him.

Take care of yourself. I know how confused and hurting you are right now. This phenomenon results in a guy who is conflicted and a girl who is confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 7:45pm

Oh god, that's awful. Take comfort in the fact that every woman I know has experienced this kind of thing in one way or another. I recently dated a guy who told me that there was "less than zero" chance he would get back together with his ex, told me he had no feelings for her, that the thought of touching her sickened him, yes he used the word "sicken" and then shuddered for effect. Guess what? He disappeared on me because he got back together with her!

The problem with these kind of situations is that we DO take them personally and it hurts our self-esteem, even if intellectually we know better. And the fact that you changed your whole life around for him probably adds to the pain. But I think something good can come out of it, as someone said to you. Being in the dating world is a process of trial and error. With each experience you pick up more information that can hopefully lead you to better things. The guy you dated is someone we all know: the guy who's so romantic, so sexy, so perfect, that you walk around on a cloud and can't believe your luck. He's charming and knows how to say exactly what you want to hear. What I've finally learned, being 10 years older than you, is that this guy IS too good to be true. He's a trainwreck and will never stick around. He's in love with the idea of love, but has no idea what true love is all about. When someone pushes all of your buttons like that so intensely and so quickly, it's bound to crash and burn. People have mentioned the book "Men Who Can't Love," which will explain this kind of guy. "He's Scared, She Scared" (by the same authors) is also good.

I'm sorry you went through this. Don't let him try to win you back either, because you'll be in for more heartache. Don't worry about being single, you'll meet someone when the time is right. But you have to heal. You're going to be fine, but it will take some time. When you figure out where to settle and get a job, that will be a good distraction, and one day this will be a lesson learned and a distant memory. Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:18pm
funny, i am the same age you are and i too am still healing from one of these strange psycho guys who was afraid to commit. i feel like every woman runs into one, its like a rite of passage. lets both you and i make it a lesson learned ONCE
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:50pm
it's a deal! we can all vow to steer clear of these CP psychos. unfortunately, i've run across a lot of commitment phobes in my dating career, but this was by far the WORST dating experience i've ever had. so this can count as my final straw...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 10:10pm
Why can't I realize that he is no good for me anyway?? I'm still in love with him & want that life with him.... I go through those different stages of hurt (with uncontrolable crying) to anger (where I want to punch a hole in the wall).... I keep daydreaming of us getting back together. How could something that felt soooo right be wrong? I just repeating over & over "How could he do that to me????!!!??" But, then how could I still have such a soft spot in my heart for him. I thought he was my perfect match- we wanted everything together. THe last day together he kept making references to "our wedding". I didn't even brnig it up- he'd just say "let's do X at our wedding" or "I want to wear X at our wedding".... and told me he'd like to start a family in a year & a half.. I just went along with it, I never pressured anything!! I even overheard him tell his friend that he was going to propose to me in May!!! How did this all in change literally overnight?? How do I get over him- I've never felt this way about anyone, I feel like he has this control over my emotions. How do I ever date & trust again??? I feel like such a fool.

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