Rug yanked out from under me
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Rug yanked out from under me
| Wed, 03-29-2006 - 6:14pm |
For the past 3 months, I have dated a guy who treated me like gold, took me on trips overseas, spent every weekend with me, saw me several times during the week, called me every day, was adoring and attentive. Last weekend, he started acting strange, then he stopped calling me all together. When I got in touch with him, I found out that he's getting back together with his estranged wife (I met him a year after they separated and he assured me constantly that he had no feelings whatsoever for her). Up until the last time I saw him, he was lovey-dovey and talking about trips we would take together, even though apparently he had already decided to go back to her. By the way, she cheated on him and left him for someone else. When that didn't work out, she decided she wanted him back. He had convinced me that his mind was made up and he had no interest in her. I am completely shocked, disgusted, and horrified that I was fooled and duped so badly. I feel raw and depressed. It's not like he was my soul mate -- I was drawn in by the attention and the attraction -- but the fact that I have been so shockingly kicked in the gut and deceived. I've had a few bad dating experiences, I'm almost 38, and I'm not sure I can trust anyone anymore, or keep hoping to meet someone. Mostly I just feel foolish and sickened. Please, some encouragement -- even similar experiences -- would help right now.

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Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've heard of this happening too often now to really even consider dating someone whose divorce hasn't been final for *at least* a year. But even then, there's no guarantee that a guy wouldn't go back to his ex...or end things for another reason, or another woman. Relationships bear risk, there's just no getting around it. All you can really do is seek to minimize the risk where possible (which is what I try to do by not dating separated or newly divorced men), and remember that it takes a good 4-6 months of dating to really even begin to see the "real" person.
You took a shot, that's something, and I hope you'll have *some* good memories of your time together once you get over the initial shock and pain.
Sheri
Thanks Sheri.
I guess the shock is about how many times he reassured me that there was no way in hell -- I believe he said "less than zero percent chance" -- that they would get back together. Little red flags gave me suspicions, but he went out of his way to reassure me.
I doubt I'll be able to see the good in the relationship, even though at the time there seemed to be a lot of good, after this experience, but hopefully I'll be able to move on.
I guess the best we can do is learn from these situations for the future. How recently did he end the engagement? How are you doing?
Neppi, i'm in the same boat as you are. I truly empathized with you for my supposedly "soul mate" dumped me the day after i got served with divorce papers. We are both going through separate divorces. The relationship was only for 2-3 months but it sure hurts like hell right now. these things just happened this week and i had to see a counselor yesterday. I learned that people have to grieve the end of a relationaship before they can move on forward. i know things will be better but i can't ignore the pain im feeling now.
Kal, you were engaged for 5 yrs and ur ex-fiance hasn't grieved nor healed from his past relationship? Very hard to comprehend and I wonder how you must feel now?
Ladies, feel free to private email me if we can be of emotional support to e/o.
"The brightest future will always
Be based on a forgotten past;
You can't go forward in life until
You let go of your past failures and heartaches."
Ka, I am coming out of an almost six year live-in relationship, and I am having an extremely hard time, too. I am struggling now with how to think of the past six years. I hate to demonize him by thinking of all the bad to help myself get over it. I hate to think I wasted six years. What does that say about my ability to control my life? I want to forget it all, but that seems psychologically dangerous, if the mind can just wipe out whole chunks of time it wishes to forget. I am trying to glean the lessons I learned from it and leave the rest.
I think it might help you to read Men Who Can't Love by Carter and Sokol. It describes commitmentphobes who bolt just on the eve of marriage. It is really helping me to see how I apparently was with a c-phobe and a lot of this is not my fault. I also highly recommend All Men are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise by Daylle Schwartz, and Let's Face It, Men are @$$#%\$, by Rock and Duncan. These books aren't men bashers, but help you understand personality types and how best to proceed in relationships. Whenever I feel like crying some more, I grab one of these and head off to a warm bath.
Best wishes. Hang in there. This is one of the toughest things I have ever done, too.
I am not sure if a c-phobe can develop after divorce. If I get to that part in the book, I will let you know! But I think many people after divorce are awfully cautious about getting burned again.
The book will tell you that c-phobes do get married, but the marriages don't usually last.
My Ex was married once, too, for a year but it was a disaster, probably because he met her on the internet and imported her from another state and married her the week he met her. If he sounds like a nut, he was! Why, oh, why am I mourning him?
C-phobes cannot commit to a relationship, but they also cannot commit very well to leaving a relationship. It took my Ex one year to break up with me, all the time giving me very mixed messages. He would still like to be my "friend."
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