Rug yanked out from under me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Rug yanked out from under me
26
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 6:14pm
For the past 3 months, I have dated a guy who treated me like gold, took me on trips overseas, spent every weekend with me, saw me several times during the week, called me every day, was adoring and attentive. Last weekend, he started acting strange, then he stopped calling me all together. When I got in touch with him, I found out that he's getting back together with his estranged wife (I met him a year after they separated and he assured me constantly that he had no feelings whatsoever for her). Up until the last time I saw him, he was lovey-dovey and talking about trips we would take together, even though apparently he had already decided to go back to her. By the way, she cheated on him and left him for someone else. When that didn't work out, she decided she wanted him back. He had convinced me that his mind was made up and he had no interest in her. I am completely shocked, disgusted, and horrified that I was fooled and duped so badly. I feel raw and depressed. It's not like he was my soul mate -- I was drawn in by the attention and the attraction -- but the fact that I have been so shockingly kicked in the gut and deceived. I've had a few bad dating experiences, I'm almost 38, and I'm not sure I can trust anyone anymore, or keep hoping to meet someone. Mostly I just feel foolish and sickened. Please, some encouragement -- even similar experiences -- would help right now.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 6:30pm

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've heard of this happening too often now to really even consider dating someone whose divorce hasn't been final for *at least* a year. But even then, there's no guarantee that a guy wouldn't go back to his ex...or end things for another reason, or another woman. Relationships bear risk, there's just no getting around it. All you can really do is seek to minimize the risk where possible (which is what I try to do by not dating separated or newly divorced men), and remember that it takes a good 4-6 months of dating to really even begin to see the "real" person.

You took a shot, that's something, and I hope you'll have *some* good memories of your time together once you get over the initial shock and pain.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 6:42pm

Thanks Sheri.
I guess the shock is about how many times he reassured me that there was no way in hell -- I believe he said "less than zero percent chance" -- that they would get back together. Little red flags gave me suspicions, but he went out of his way to reassure me.

I doubt I'll be able to see the good in the relationship, even though at the time there seemed to be a lot of good, after this experience, but hopefully I'll be able to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 7:57am
My fiance of five years just ended our engagement...I had met him a mere three months after his divorce was final and even five years later I never really got the sense that he grieved properly or was really over her and what happened. She too cheated on him and left him but he had told me he still wanted to remain married for the sake of the kids. I'm sorry but when someone cheats on you kids or not it seems very hard to want to stay with someone so I was never fully convinced he was over her. And he too would constantly reassure me that there were no feelings. So I believe too that it must be critical for a man to have time to go through the process of getting over his marriage before he can truly move on in a healthy relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 12:28pm
Thanks Kal,
I guess the best we can do is learn from these situations for the future. How recently did he end the engagement? How are you doing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 5:53am

Neppi, i'm in the same boat as you are. I truly empathized with you for my supposedly "soul mate" dumped me the day after i got served with divorce papers. We are both going through separate divorces. The relationship was only for 2-3 months but it sure hurts like hell right now. these things just happened this week and i had to see a counselor yesterday. I learned that people have to grieve the end of a relationaship before they can move on forward. i know things will be better but i can't ignore the pain im feeling now.

Kal, you were engaged for 5 yrs and ur ex-fiance hasn't grieved nor healed from his past relationship? Very hard to comprehend and I wonder how you must feel now?

Ladies, feel free to private email me if we can be of emotional support to e/o.

"The brightest future will always
Be based on a forgotten past;
You can't go forward in life until
You let go of your past failures and heartaches."

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 8:46am
He ended it a little over a month ago and I'm doing horribly : ( I feel so physically sick and just want to crawl in a hole and stay there. Before we broke up he wondered why I wasn't making wedding plans but we'd only been engaged for three months. I had found the dress I wanted, he knew that. I don't know, maybe he was just looking for an excuse to get out. It still hurts like hell and each day I just keep hoping the pain will subside but it doesn't. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm trying not to burden friends and co-workers anymore as they think I should just "move on" but it's so hard after investing over 5 years of your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 12:33pm
of course it's hard! my relationship didn't have much substance to it, even though we spent a lot of time together, so i don't expect to be in pain for that long. but i went through a horrible time trying to recover from the "love of my life" a few years ago. it was brutal, but it really does get better. try to look at all the reasons why it wasn't right; why it's better that it ended now rather than after you were married. i promise it does get better! distracting yourself with light books and tv shows, treating yourself to manicures (or whatever you enjoy) will help. one day you'll wake up and realize that you feel a little better, then a little better the next day, then a little better... it might help to talk to a therapist -- have you thought about finding one?
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 12:39pm

Ka, I am coming out of an almost six year live-in relationship, and I am having an extremely hard time, too. I am struggling now with how to think of the past six years. I hate to demonize him by thinking of all the bad to help myself get over it. I hate to think I wasted six years. What does that say about my ability to control my life? I want to forget it all, but that seems psychologically dangerous, if the mind can just wipe out whole chunks of time it wishes to forget. I am trying to glean the lessons I learned from it and leave the rest.

I think it might help you to read Men Who Can't Love by Carter and Sokol. It describes commitmentphobes who bolt just on the eve of marriage. It is really helping me to see how I apparently was with a c-phobe and a lot of this is not my fault. I also highly recommend All Men are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise by Daylle Schwartz, and Let's Face It, Men are @$$#%\$, by Rock and Duncan. These books aren't men bashers, but help you understand personality types and how best to proceed in relationships. Whenever I feel like crying some more, I grab one of these and head off to a warm bath.

Best wishes. Hang in there. This is one of the toughest things I have ever done, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 1:54pm
Thanks for the book suggestions Memphis...sound like good ones. I've started reading Mar Venus Starting Over which isn't bad but could definitely immerse myself in more. I think my fiance very well could have been a c-phobe but then he must not have been all his life as he married once. Is it possible to become a c-phobe after divorce? And yes, I am in therapy, on the anti-depressants, you name it! I need all the help I can get : (
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 7:50pm

I am not sure if a c-phobe can develop after divorce. If I get to that part in the book, I will let you know! But I think many people after divorce are awfully cautious about getting burned again.

The book will tell you that c-phobes do get married, but the marriages don't usually last.
My Ex was married once, too, for a year but it was a disaster, probably because he met her on the internet and imported her from another state and married her the week he met her. If he sounds like a nut, he was! Why, oh, why am I mourning him?

C-phobes cannot commit to a relationship, but they also cannot commit very well to leaving a relationship. It took my Ex one year to break up with me, all the time giving me very mixed messages. He would still like to be my "friend."

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