Rug yanked out from under me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Rug yanked out from under me
26
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 6:14pm
For the past 3 months, I have dated a guy who treated me like gold, took me on trips overseas, spent every weekend with me, saw me several times during the week, called me every day, was adoring and attentive. Last weekend, he started acting strange, then he stopped calling me all together. When I got in touch with him, I found out that he's getting back together with his estranged wife (I met him a year after they separated and he assured me constantly that he had no feelings whatsoever for her). Up until the last time I saw him, he was lovey-dovey and talking about trips we would take together, even though apparently he had already decided to go back to her. By the way, she cheated on him and left him for someone else. When that didn't work out, she decided she wanted him back. He had convinced me that his mind was made up and he had no interest in her. I am completely shocked, disgusted, and horrified that I was fooled and duped so badly. I feel raw and depressed. It's not like he was my soul mate -- I was drawn in by the attention and the attraction -- but the fact that I have been so shockingly kicked in the gut and deceived. I've had a few bad dating experiences, I'm almost 38, and I'm not sure I can trust anyone anymore, or keep hoping to meet someone. Mostly I just feel foolish and sickened. Please, some encouragement -- even similar experiences -- would help right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 5:13pm
Thanks Memphis, and yes let me know if you get to that part about divorced people and the c-phobe. But it sounds like him to a tee. His marriage lasted 9 years though so not sure he's a born c-phobe? Maybe just a result of like you said, not wanting to get burned again. She left him so maybe he wanted to make sure that didn't happen again? I don't know but still very lost w/o him : (
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 7:41pm
I totally feel all your pains as well....I've actually been on both ends within the past 6 months. I just posted a novel about it all & would love some advice as well!! Anyhow, I just started reading Mars/Venus Starting over & want ot check out the other books yuo all mentioned as well.... I too feel duped, taken advantage of, diceived, etc. I was suppose to move in w/my BF this Thurs, I already quit my job. Over the weekend he couldn't stop saying how excited & I couldn't get there soon enough & he loved me so much. He was even drawing up our budget so we could get married by next year.... This hurts so much but I have learned that we MUST grieve in order to move on. Lean on fam & friends, thats been the bset thing for me...
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 7:48pm
Ka, this book is really good. I see why it is so often recommended on these boards. A cursory reading ahead on the topic of guys that have been married seems to indicate that those guys, too, were c-phobes already, but they married anyway and had all kinds of bad reactions during the marriage, including anger and infidelity because they felt trapped. They are also guys that married extremely quickly. My Ex was married briefly after a one-week (yes, really), a one-week meeting of the internet woman, and now he is doing it all over again. It's like they have to commit so fast before they back out, and then when they do, they are so upset. My Ex also had anger and infidelity during his marriage. I SO wish I had had this information about six years ago.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 2:33pm
THAT would explain a lot Memphis. It sounds like his marriage was a bit like that. I don't know if there was infidelity on his part but there was on his xw. Hmm... I've got to get that book! I have about three I'm reading through now but that sounds like a really good one for this situation. And I know what you mean, "if I knew then...". Argh... I still have trouble accepting all this and feel so sick but maybe in the long run, some day far in the future it will all make sense : ( Hope you're doing a bit better, or a whole lot better : )
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 4:57pm

I second that book nomination by Memphis. I have suggested Men Who Can't Love to others on this board because it has been such a tremendous help in 2, count 'em, 2 situations for me!

I know for other readers they experienced this too, but the first time I read MWCL, my mouth dropped... it was like I was reading about my ex exactly. I would even call a friend of mine and read her passages out of it in disbelief. It helped me get thru a really hard time and made me see it's not YOU it's HIS own deep rooted issues.

I have it on hand now for situation #2 and have dogeared pages that are perfect. It's like a bible on dudes.

Read away and you will not be disappointed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 8:08pm
I felt that way about "He's Scared, She's Scared" (by the same authors I think). It explained a lot of his behavior and mine, but the question is -- how do I CHANGE my own commitment-phobic behaviors (ie, getting involved with commitment phobic men)?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 8:13pm

I don't think it's possible without counseling (having dealt with those issues myself) and I think the authors come to the same conclusion, if I'm not mistaken.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 8:29pm
That's what I figured. Do you feel like you've gotten somewhere with it in counseling?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 8:43pm

Oh, definitely. If anything, I probably err too much the other way now...I tend to give men who are available and interested in me more dates than I really should, even if I'm not all that attracted or interested in them, because I want to bend over backwards to make sure it's really the particular *guy*, and not my commitment issues, that are causing me not to be attracted/interested. I have to keep reminding myself that just because a man is interested and available, doesn't mean he's *right* for me.

But even though I'm very aware of my issues, and with the help of counseling, in the past few years have stopped dating and walked away from quite a few men who showed themselves to be clearly unavailable early in the dating process, occasionally I do backslide and succomb to the strong chemistry of the "unavailable man". It's an ongoing battle, I'm afraid.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:09pm
Well I guess that's my question... I can consciously stay away from the unavailable men, but it seems that the attraction is still to these kind of guys, and that's what worries me. I want to be with someone I'm genuinely attracted to, while at the same time who I can rely on.