Sad and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sad and confused
4
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 3:53pm

I have been dating Brad for about 3 months. Before that, we were pretty good friend. I new he wanted to be more than friends, but I was involved with somebody else. That ended in late January, and by early February, we had hooked up and starting seeing each other. From the beginning, we never really spent a whole lot of time together -- about twice a week, maybe, but typically once a week. When we were together, though, I didn't have a care in the world, and we talked and talked and talked for hours, about everything. He would compliment me and tell me how great I was, etc. We had daily contact via email and text message or phone.

The first month and half everything was great. Actually, I think everything was ok until about 2-3 weeks ago, with the past week being the worst. We finally got on the subject of what we are and he seemed some things that hurt my feelings. I know we are not exclusive, but I also believed that I was more than just a hook-up. Later thatn evening, he said that I misinterpreted what he said and I felt ok by the situation. Then, my friend discovered that he has an active profile on-line. Now, we are not exclusive yet and we both agreed to take things slowly, but it still upset me. We sat down last night and talked about a lot of things, and again, everything that he said made sense, and I believed we were on the same page. I brought up the on-line thing and he said that he did have a profile up, but that it has been up for awhile, he never took it down, and he doesn't use it.

I told my friend this and she was convinced that he was lying. I have never had any reason to doubt him, but she things that I am being gullible and stupid. So, she emails him from her account (she doesn't have a picture up), and he responds. There was nothing horrible about the email, it was all friendly banter, but still, he emails -- which means that not only does he use the account, he pays for it b/c you cannot email without paying. So, now I know he lied.

We talked again today and I didn't say anything about the on-line thing at all. I merely said that I felt a disconnect and he freaked out, and told me that he now has reservations about me because I don't trust him and he cannot be with anybody who doesn't trust him.

So, that was that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 8:40pm

"That was that" is a good thing with this character. How lucky are you to be given this opportunity to take away such valuable lessons. In case you missed them I will tell you what value I see you received from this experience.

What a great friend you have. Looking out for you. Appreciate this person.

This man did not need to lie about his online dating - relationship was not far enough to feel a need to be untruthful. If you were beyond him, that is your issue. Once a liar, always a liar.

The best one of all is the blame game. He turned his inappropriate behavior into your fault. That whole trust game is just that a game.

Be proud of yourself for checking up behind him, your gut was screaming something isn't right with this picture.

In your post you mention how initially the conversation was non-stop. I wonder who was having a conversation and who was manipulating.

Just food for thought. Go out there and have a great life. With him you would have been in doubt all along the way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 1:56pm

I had a really bad night. I ended up crying most of the night, and I am not sure why. Looking back on it, he didn't really bring much to the table: whenever we would go out, the conversations revolved around him and his issues, everything always seemed to be on his terms, I cannot recall the last time he asked me how my day was or how I was feeling, I cannot recall the last time he offered support at all for something that I was going through......

So, if he offered me nothing, then why am I so upset? Just to try and get my mind off things, I took my dog for a long walk, listened to my ipod, which only made me feel worse. I barely made it inside before I burst into tears again, which pretty much happened all night long.

I woke this morning feeling content. I was not going to contact him at all. We never reslly resolved anthing, discussed anything. I know a number of people said I don't owe him anything, led alone a sit down conversation. But, this is somebody who I was really good friends with until this situation. I feel like I need to clear the air. But, I was not going to make the initiative. He emailed, said he wanted to meet tonight to talk. I am ambivalent, but I also know that it needs to be done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 2:27pm

one thing i could tell you dear...WAZZ UP WITH YOUR FRIEND??? WHY SHE TRYING TO SEDUCE HIM BY EMAIL HIM...for me thats way wrong...its not her business to mess up w/your head...

i have a friend who act like that too...every time that i'll tell her that i'm dating a guy...she always ask me...ARE YOU SURE HIS SERIOUS TO YOU...BLAHBLAH...just like to my new bf now....i met him at the bank...his the teller who assisted me...he actually gave his number to me and we get along fast...now i told my friend...you know what she told me....she wanna set up my bf..she wanna know if his going to give his number to other girls too....i told her why she need to do that for....so she didnt do it...actually my bf always give his business card to people for REFERRAL its part of his job....so now my point if i let her do her plans to my bf now....most likely i'm not happy now....

cuz to be honest my bf...his the best relationship i never had before....his way toooo different to all of my ex...

any how this is all up to you.....its up to you HOW YOUR GOING TO MAKE THIS GUY COMMITE TO YOU FOREVER...but if you acted this way to him most likely he'll run away from you....

to be honest its up to us....how we gonna make this guy stay w/us...not our friend or no one else ONLY US!!!

GOOD LUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 7:41pm
Just a follow up. Sweetheart your tears are a natural response to what you are going through. Embrace them and let it flow. I understand your need to meet with him to clear up some things. Only suggestion I have is to really listen to the exchange. See if you can step out of the situation and view your exchange like a third party. This means leaving your empathy at home. Hard to do. Best wishes!