Sad and Confused
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| Sat, 02-04-2006 - 2:04pm |
So I am really confused right now. I was dating this guy for almost 3 years. Everything seemed great...I mean we all have little arguments now and then, but otherwise it was great. We have been talking about marriage for some time now, but are both in school so we were not engaged yet. My boyfriend had talked to the Priest that was going to marry us this fall and figured out how things would work for us to do marriage counseling long distance and everything. Then in late November he picked the date for the wedding (I had been asking for a plan for my future before I turned 25....and he picked the date 4 days before my 25th birthday). And at Christmas we sat in my church talking about how we would decorate the altar for the wedding. Everything seemed so good. We both were happy, and the date he had picked was over 2 years away, so three wasn't too much stress there yet.
Then all the sudden he shows up and breaks up with me saying "he can't marry me now". He tells me that he loves me and cares about me very much, but it's not going to work out and he can't marry me. He didn't give any more explanation or elaboration about the reason. He made little comments like "I'm too stubborn and you're too negative", "I saw things I didn't want to deal with for the rest of my life", and "I can't pick between you and my family" (which I had NEVER asked him to do). But with each of those statement he didn't elaborate any. It makes no sense to me. He never mentioned that he has any concerns about our relationship or talked to me about anything. He said he doesn't want to give me any hope that we will get back together and that he doesn't want to try right now. He's also acting kind of weird right now. He is pushing his friends away (from what I have heard) and he is acting different personality wise. I'm not sure what is going on.
I guess I'm just looking for some advice right now. It's so hard right now (and I know it is supposed to get easier over time) and I love him more every day. I still have that gut feeling that we are supposed to be together. We had a long road to take before we ended up together, but we had built upon that and our relationship seemed very solid. I just don't know what to do or understand at all. Can anyone offer any advice?

I'm not sure what sort of advice you're looking for. Advice on how to pick your life up and move on? I don't think anyone can give you advice other than on that, because from what you say your XBF sounds pretty set in his mind that it's over. Once someone has made up their mind, it seldom gets changed.
I'm sorry for your sadness. You need to grieve for the lost relationship and future that will never be with this guy.
Your confussion I don't get. He gave you answers, even if he didn't elaborate on them, you've got the answers as to why. I think you don't really even want him to elaborate for clarification, you want him to elaborate so you can go through point by point and shoot them down telling him how each and every one is wrong. Well it's wrong to you, but if those are his reasons then dumb as they may be to you, you've got to respect his point of view.
And really, lets say you could get him to elaborate. Do you really want him to list the ways that you're negative, the things he saw that he doesn't want to deal with, and how you'll just never rank higher than mommy/daddy/brother/etc? He actually said "I can't pick between you and my family"!? That'd be the kicker for me. Even though you *never* uttered a word to give him that thought, the fact that he'd come out and say that he "can't" (which means he won't, his family will always beat out you) says a real deal breaker for me. It shows that he HAS given this a lot of thought. He's thought down the road in the future with you and he doesn't want to go there. Really, you don't *want* go go there either. You don't want to have to convince your man that he should want to be with you.
As far as I see, there is no confussion here, just maybe denial or unwillingness to accept. So back to advice. I advise you move on. It won't be easy and it'll test your character, strength, and self respect. But when you come out of this, you'll be a better woman.
Edited 2/4/2006 3:19 pm ET by angelicafox