Sad and Scared, Need Some Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Sad and Scared, Need Some Advice
3
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 10:37am

I broke up with my boyfriend of about 8 months not too long ago. I didn't feel he is the one nor did I want to be with him because I always had doubts and a gut feeling that it wasn't right. Although he feels very strongly for me, he is in love and thinks I am the one. So wouldn't I be relieved about breaking up with him, because I am not dragging it out farther, and I am putting and end to this whole mess- b/c I would constantly evaluate how I felt about him, which is not right. My stomach was always upset and I feel so horrible about it.

But I don't understand why I am so sad about it, I mean I was the one who broke up with him and didn't have strong feelings towards him. Is this normal? It's like I keep replaying things we did and said, and I feel like I will NEVER be as close to anyone like I was with him. I feel like no one will ever love me as much as he does. It's really scary. I know I shouldn't have any contact with him, but this is going to be a really hard time b/c of course it is that time of the month, so my emotions are so crazy right now on top of being so vulnerable from the whole thing. I have broken up with him before so many times and gone back that it makes me SO sick to think about it.

I know I have other issues here because I kept changing my mind so much, and I am going to seek someone professional to help me with that. I just want time to go by and for this all to heal over, but it feels like I will never move on, although it has only been a few days so I guess this is normal. Basically I just don't want to call him back up, I don't know how to stay strong, b/c I keep going back but I know that I can't. I have hurt him too much, and I hate knowing that. I have never had to do this before, I just don't know what the future will be like, if he and I will ever be friends, if we will ever move on. I mean I wasn't even in love, so I don't know why this is so painful, I guess it is just because I was so used to having him in my life, that to having him completely gone is unbelievably weird and sad. I think I just miss the comfort and the idea of it...

Well sorry I just needed to vent that and I was wondering if anyone had advice as to how to stay strong and not contact him...? As well as just any advice on how to get through this...I just need some support right now. I know that this is probably common with break ups and that second thoughts are always there after it happens, I just don't want to give in again, I CAN'T. It is not fair to keep playing games with him. But it just feels like I will never move on, I am just really sad and emotional and I just need support on how to get through it.

Thanks in advance.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 10:55am

Yes, it's normal to feel this way. Just because you don't think the two of you are right for each other, doesn't mean you don't care about him and miss him.

As far as how to not contact him, well, to a certain extent, it's simply a matter of drawing a line in the sand, and not crossing it. Simple, yes, but not easy! I would suggest that you think of it in terms of not hurting him more than you already have. Contacting him shows ambivalence, and that would give him hope...and that's not fair. Be strong because it's the right thing to do.

I've found that making commitments to myself and a friend or two (and/or my counselor) that I won't call for X days helps (I set the day as far in the future as I can--sometimes it's only a day or two). Because I've made a commitment to others, it's important to me to keep that commitment. Then I keep renewing the commitment. A variation on this is to say to yourself, "I'm not going to call him today. If I still want to call tomorrow, I'll make a decision then".

We've ALL felt like we were never going to get over it...but we did. It will happen...but it's going to take more than a few days.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 9:47pm

Hi precious,

I think I've posted to you before about how I also broke up with my last boyfriend, and it was really really hard, and I read your last post and memories came rushing back. Everything you are feeling is totally normal, even though you know deep down he wasn't right for you, you are still mourning a loss. He was a big part of your life, and so you will naturally feel the void. I found I really needed to be on the phone at night (I live alone) to make up for the fact that he wasn't here to chat with.

I also felt that I would never find someone who loved me that way - but I had to keep remembering how bad it felt when he would tell me how he felt about me, and I couldn't return the intensity of the feeling - it was awful! My ex kept telling me that I was going through a very early mid-life crisis, and he knew we were meant to be together. That made it tougher. While it was tempting to hold onto him, eventually I was just prolonging the inevitable. I don't have too much advice, except to call everyone else you can think of, except him. It really will help you to heal faster, I wish we had done that. The teary conversations were very wearing.

I have never told this to anyone, but I also "pretended" to myself that I had two options - stay broken up, or marry him. And since I knew I could never marry him, that somehow helped me realize that we needed to stay apart. That might sound like a crazy game since we never even talked about marraige, but since that is my ultimate goal, the mental picture helped me. I would think of myself in a white dress in a church, and that would freak me out enough to stay strong.

A big hug-

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2006
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 10:05pm
HI,
Just yesterday I was on the other end of the breakup and it isn't pleasant from either side if you have any conscience or feelings! I am doing the same thing.... rethinking every conversation, every date, listening over and over to every voice mail he left and waking up in full blown panic attacks. Another member directed me to a link that offers some good suggestions, the one that I am trying is to allow myself only certain periods of time to think about him and making myself stop at the other times. I am also reading a book I found here on this site "The Girls Guide to Surviving a Breakup" that I have highlighted the points I really need to focus on. But I know what you mean about needing that contact. I am so bad I am trying to find out where his best friend is working to go talk to him. In my mind I know this isn't going to change anything, but it keeps the umbilical cord intact. Good luck and hang in there.... my grandmother used to always say... "This too shall pass". Do what your mind tells you is right.