Sad & heartbroken

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Sad & heartbroken
1
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 5:23pm

Hello -

I am sure there are a plethera of posts like this one out there, but I am going to lay it all out there anyways. My boyfriend of a little over 2 years broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. I am terribly sad and heartbroken over the whole situation. To me, he is The One. We are very much a like and are such a perfect fit for each other. We share a lot of interests and have similar easy-going, fun personalities. Most importantly we share the same ideals on important things that couples should generally be in agreement about - same religion, both close with our families, money issues, having/raising children, etc. We have so much in common, yet we are just enough different to keep things interesting. There has alwasy been a strong physical chemistry between as well. We never really had any major disagreements. Our biggest problem is that both of us are very non-confrontational. I feel this is definitely something that can be worked on and worked out.

As for his reason for why we broke up, he just feels like something isn't quite right for him. In further conversations it seems that he feels like he is a selfish person, and has only looked out for himself when it comes to big things in life. I know that he doesn't see himself married anytime in the near future, and that has never been a mystery to me from the beginning. It hasn't been a big deal to me - there has never been any pressure there. We have talked over the weeks since we have broken up, and most of those conversations have just been about normal everyday things like how we would normal talk. We have had some relationship talk and he still feels like he has made the right decision. I told him that I respectfully disagree.

This whole thing really just caught me by surprise. Never in a million years would I have seen this coming. All of our family and friends feel the same exact way. I just don't know what to do about it. Because I know how much I love him with every fiber of my being and strongly I feel for him, I am surprised that I am not feeling more devistated. I think that is where I am drawing some of my positive outlook from. I believe and feel so strongly that he and I ment to be together, and I guess because I am not feeling more devistated that is what makes me think that things are going to be okay, in the way that I want them to be okay, with us being together. I just believe so strongly that we are ment for each other, and I am sure that every time I say that someone probably thinks "quit kidding yourself." Maybe I am suffering from HUGE denial, I don't know. I just know what I feel and believe at the moment.

Right now, I am really torn. I know what I think and believe the future is, but at the same time, I know I can't just sit around and be sad waiting for him to maybe come crawling back. I know that I need to start healing myself and keep taking care of myself. He and I have remained in contact, but I am still torn on whether us talking helps or hurts. He said that he would be perfectly comfortable talking to me all the time about normal everyday things like we do and always have, but he knows that I am still very much struggling with everything and if talking is not helpful to me then he will do whatever I want. He wants for us to be able to talk, but if it is not helping me through this whole situation then he'll do what ever is best for me. All he wants is the best for me. He said he has wondered how talking so far has left me feeling. He said he sometimes gets this idea in his head that when we chat that for some reason I may be left with this sort of emptiness or sadness afterwards. I told him honestly that I have maybe felt like that a couple of times. Honestly when we talk and catch up about life and laugh about things, when I get off the phone I am usually just happy that we were able to talk with each other. I told him that I don't know what the right answer is, but for now I think I would like for us to be able to talk. I said I am probably doing myself a huge disservice, but for right now I think that what I want is to be in touch.

I could use any thoughts on this matter that anyone has to share. I feel like I inundate some of my poor friends to death about this. I would really like some outside opinion on this though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 1:37am

I am going through exactly the same. My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago over reasons that could perfectly be worked out on. I was so caught off guard. We were so perfect for each other, and he has made me feel like a princess and the most important thing in this world for him the whole time we were together. We were trully in love. We were both very much accepted by our families and the whole thing seemed so perfect. We decided to stay friends for a year until I do come back to US, since our relationship has been long distance for the past 6 months, and he broke up with me while he was visiting me in my home country.

But, I want to tell you something that's true for me as much as it is true in your situation.
Don't hold on to him. Let it go. The more you live with the hope to have him back, the more you are going to hurt yourself and delay the healing process. Even though it feels good talking to him, and you get this energy boost and happiness that lasts for few days. It dies when you don't hear from him again, and soon you are back where you are. I can tell you that from my own situation. Let yourself heal. Don't contact for a while, it hurts in the beginning and gets worse for a while but then you wake up one morning and say "hey I don't feel as bad today". You go on with your life. Once you are healed you will look at the situation better without emotions and you will be fine talking to him as friends. Then you will be able to ask yourself "If he broke up with me over reasons that could have been worked out, won't that happen once we are married?" "Do I want the person that will give up on me that soon?" "In life, there are much more critical situations that people work out and move on because they are so much more important to each other." "Those situations in life are inevitable." "Does that mean, I have to live in fear trying to please him all the time, so I won't get dumped?"
Most important, don't call him when you are sad and missing him, call up a friend and share that with them instead.

Be strong girl, if you guys are supposed to be together you will, but you have to heal and move on first. For now you have to accept the fact that he let you go. You are worth much more.