Sad over someone I shouldn't be
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| Mon, 07-10-2006 - 9:21pm |
Hi,
I'm so sad over someone that I shouldn't be right now. A long while back, I dated a guy who was my best friend. We were each others' first loves. However, I broke it off because I knew that it wouldn't work for the long term.
Since we broke up, he's dated a lot of people - but he has treated most of them badly. I didn't see much of him during this time. Then, 3 months ago, we were both single and he called me. We started dating again, but I was just so unsure. I could see that he generally doesn't treat people well and I didn't really want to get too involved with anyone that was like that. So, we agreed that we would see each other, but would date other people as well. For the first two months, this went well. He was very attentive and I wasn't feeling like I was getting too attached. Then, 3 weeks ago, I got angry at him for something that he had done. He was really surprised and pulled away from me pretty drastically. At that point, I knew that I had to get over him - who wants someone who freaks at one sign of distress? But, I couldn't do it. He started acting like a jerk - canceling plans, not calling, etc. I felt terrible about it, even though I knew that I shouldn't. Then, last week, he got drunk and told my friend (whom he had just met) that he had hooked up with someone else. When I asked him about it, he said that he had told her that to impress her, but that he hadn't actually hooked up with anyone else. I was pretty angry. I didn't want to talk to him again, but I did, against my better judgement. This time, he changed his story. He told me that he had indeed hooked up with someone else and that he didn't know how to tell me, so he told my friend in the hopes that she would tell me. He said that he was wrong to tell my friend instead of me - but that I can't get mad at him for hooking up with someone else, since that was our deal.
Then, he told me that he sees me as the person that he is going to marry. However, he's not ready to be committed to me. He thinks that if we continue to date, but see other people as well, then he can "keep tabs and make sure that I don't get too close to anyone else."
I certainly don't want to date anyone who has that attitude, but I'm not sure how to get out of this. I can't imagine not having him in my life... but I feel terrible about the whole situation. I know that I need to cut him out of my life completely for a while - but that is so much easier said than done. I feel so bad right now. Can I stay friends with him or do I need to cut all contact for a while?
Thanks for "listening".
Jenny

Dear Jenny,
I hope you find all the support you need on this board, its been wonderful for me, in addition to my real-life friends. Breaking up is hard, its even harder to do with a best friend. I recently broke up with my best friend and its been incredibly hard to cut him out of my life.
So, I tried to contact him, make him want me again, because we had a great relationship until he decided he wasn't ready. I took a few days without contacting him, he did not try to contact me, because both of us needed to figure out how to proceed. Last night, we talked openly and honestly, without hurt feelings. It was so nice to know that we are still there to support each other.
I don't know what course of action you will take, but here is what I had to do. I had to take some time off to let the "love blinders" fall of my eyes. I had to look at him critically and think if I can see him as my husband and the father of my children. I had to think of what I want from my life and what kind of person should be near me. In the process, I realized that while he may be my soulmate, he is not my lifemate. His career choices don't mesh with my core expectations of raising a family and now he knows it. Only after that could I talk to him again and try to be "friends" again. We agreed to talk a couple of times a week and see how it goes.
I don't know what future holds for us, for now we are making it back to "friends". Meanwhile, make sure you plan you life without him in it. Whatever you do, don't do it to bring him back, do it to make yourself and your life better.
Good luck,
Madina
Thanks so much for your kind words. Both of you are telling me what everyone else in my life is telling me... that he's not worth it. It really does help to post. Funny how strangers can be so kind and have so much perspective.
He is and has been such a jerk. He's just not a good person. He told me so many stories about him manipulating people to make them like him more. He even told me that he pretended to be jealous of a male friend of mine just so that I would think that he cares. Is this the type of guy that I want as a husband or father of my kids? NO WAY. And, the worst part is, I knew this from the start. I've always known that I would never be able to take it farther. Yet, I let him get to me and I let myself get so upset.
I think I let the past get in the way. 15 years ago, when we dated the first time, it was so wonderful. He was the perfect boyfriend and he loved me more than anything. I guess that I just keep thinking that I can get back to that with him. Yet, he has changed for the worse. I'm not sure why he's become such a jerk, but he has and I need to accept that.
It's been two days since we had our talk where he told me that he wanted to marry me in the future. I've been sort of waiting for him to call and sort of dreading it. I wonder if he knows that I have been absolutely devastated since we talked? I want him to call so that I can tell him that I need a break from him for at least 2 months. I know it's going to be nearly impossible to take that break... but I have to and I will.
Jenny
I think you are doing the right thing by taking a break. Your boyfriend or ex sounds just like my ex who I haven't had contact with for almost 4 weeks. We dated over 20 years ago in high school, he broke my heart back then and 23 years later, the dude still hasn't grown up when it comes to women and relationships. When we first started dating 9 months ago, a red flag should have came up when I found out that he had been single for 18 years but I gave him another chance and ended up deeply in love and heartbroken in the end. We just have to accept the fact that no matter how old men get, they don't always grow emotionally. My ex basically, just stop returning my calls and that was his way of saying goodbye just like it was in high school. It really hurts because he did tell me he loved me and I was "the one" but his actions spoke another word during our last month together. Please take some time and think about what you want from a man and a relationship and see if this guy can provide your wants. It is so hard to be without the one you love but if he says one thing and does another, is it worth being alone in a relationship? Get the book "He's just not that into you" and "It's a break up because it is broken" those two books are by the same authors and will open your eyes to what women should get out of a relationship and gives some awesome advice of how to move on from a painful breakup. I wish you the best and I know what you are going through.
Take care of YOU right now and be the rockin girl you are!
Wow. Our stories are so similar. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Believe me, I know it's hard.
My guy did date a lot in between, but all of his exes (except one) really don't like him. He even told me a bit about what he did to them and it wasn't good. So, I did go in with my eyes wide open... knowing that he could never, ever be the man that I wanted. Yet, I couldn't stop. I just liked having him back in my life. I liked learning about him all over again and hearing his stories. I shouldn't have gone there, but I did. And, it was only when he started pulling away that I started realizing how far in I was. I wish my heart understood what my brain knows.... that he will never, ever be able to give me what I need. I'm just so devastated - I hope it gets better soon.
I purchased those 2 books last night online and am waiting for them to come. I'm glad that you recommend them.
Jenny
Update: Well, I did it. I went over to his place on Wed. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't. I turned into silly putty. He made a move on me.... I didn't fall for it... but I stuck around for almost an hour trying to explain to him why I wanted to be just friends. Finally, I told him to committ to me. He said that he wasn't ready, but that one day we'd get married.
So, I said that I wanted to just be friends and that I didn't want to talk to him for 2 months. He said that he couldn't do that because he cares about me as a friend too much. Finally, I got him to agree not to contact me for a week. But, he said after a week that we would go out for dinner. I said that I didn't know if I'd be ready, but he said that he thought I would be... he was "confident" in himself.
Of course, 2 days later he attempts to contact me because he "can't wait a week." I am proud of myself - I didn't respond. Then, last night, he had his friend leave me a message to ask why I won't talk to him. I didn't respond to her.
This is really hard. I want to call him, but I know that I have to wait at least a week.
Jenny