a sad realization ... SAD realization

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
a sad realization ... SAD realization
4
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 11:20pm

feeling an ache in my chest right now .. i need to vent .. feel free to comment..

im in my 3rd year of studies and ive got an assignment due for tomorrow that i should REALLY be cracking on .. however, i keep feeling bothered and just unhappy - and im finding it extremely hard to focus right now :(

last night - i had a huge realization. it left me crying, and after talking to one of my guy buds - i felt calmer but still so sad... i ended up passing out at about 5:30 am and spent the entire night having nightmares and waking up in a sweat. its been awful. i dotn eat much anymore, and everything good is just a painful reminder of what i cant share with him.

last night, i started thinking of the things that i never wanted to have to think about... it has been two weeks today since my ex and i broke up. to recap my situation - we dated last year, we broke up after a ton of fighting between us, - we remained friends for a couple months after until i called it off, he contacted me in january and we fell back together again. everythings been sooooo good, but then he pretty much freaked out and said that he "cant convince himself that it will work." he messaged my bestfriend the following monday and explained his fears to her and how he does care about me - he even quotes: "my heart just aches for her," "i feel so happy when im with her." he messaged me last wednesday - and that ended up being more of a therapy conversation for him where i was his psychologist, and at the end of it all - i was left bawling and bawling and bawling. during this conversation, he told me that "our relationship scares him and hes finding it hard to say yes to it," & that "he likes us being together and he cares so much about me - but he doesnt know how to get rid of his fear." at one point, he says to me: "you may be able to jump into our relationship, and all the power to you - but i just cant, i need time."

so...since two weeks ago, ive been clinging onto this hope that its not REALLY OVER-OVER...that he'll "come to his senses," or that he'll "overcome his fears," and maybe "he really just does need time." but, last night - something else hit me.

maybe - it IS over-over? he'll probably never come to his senses... furthermore, maybe his fear isnt even the real problem??

see, this is the second time my ex and i have dated, and as corny as this sounds - but really, i truly belive in the connection that him and i have. despite everything, i just know how much cares. i full-heartedly believe in not only how happy he is capable of making me - but how happy i know i make him. furthermore, i even do sincerely believe that he does have his "fears."

but heres the thing - maybe... despite how much he does care about me, and despite his true reservations - maybe he just doesnt care ENOUGH?? he told my bestfriend that he cant really think of any thing he doesnt enjoy about me or why he shouldnt be with me ... and while i find that warming in some ways - maybe, there doesnt need to be A reason?? perhaps - he just doesnt want to??? i mean, if you think about it - there are a ton of messed up and wrong couples in this world...but they stick to eachother, and cling to the relationship and fight to not part ways despite how much they should - but they do this simply because they still deep down inside cant let the other go. and thats the thing - he has let me go...?? :(

im just soooo confused right now. i really dont know what to think. i mean - what does he mean by: "i need time" or "im scared" and "i need to think." i asked him why he feels the need to figure out his fear and he replies with: "i want to be worthy of our relationship." - WTF?! does that mean he will eventually want one?? or is he just giving me some cheap excuse to cling to?? i dont think that he'd feed me some sore excuse to break up with me - its really quite out of his character to do so - but at the same time, what the hec is all of this???

i talked to him on thursday (the day after we had our therapy talk on messenger) - and apologized for getting so upset and emotional the night before. he replies with: "dont apologize, i know its really tough." and then i acted all light hearted and asked if i could drop by to pick up some stuff of mine that i needed - at which, he said ofcourse to. however, that never ended up working out to my dismay and he left me a message that night and i called him back the next morning. we had a brief, but easy going conversation and he let me go since he was on his way to breakfast. he had said to me: "ill call you later." - in which he never did. i was sooo sad :(

a part of me wonders why he never called me back. it seems so out of his element. and that part of me wants to tell myself that he hasnt called me back because he cant handle his feelings for me, or that he wants to figure out how he feels for our relationship before talking to me. but what if, truth is - he just doesnt want to talk to me because he just doesnt want to? or what if it REALLY is over? what if he wants to move on like that this time??

ive been debating in my head (and with tired friends) whether or not i should sit and hope or just give up? im afraid to give up on someone whom i believe and see and feel so much for. but at the same time, i cant keep feeling this pain. and furthermore - how does one just give up hope??

right now - after last night's realization, ive decided to let go. so, i blocked him on my messenger - as silly as it sounds, but its my first step to weeding him out of my life for good. however, i find myself repeatedly re-adding him on just to see if hes online even though i know he cant see me. i dont even know what the point of that is :(

i dont know. i just dont know. im just so sad. i wish i wasnt feeling this again. i wish i could go back to us spending 6 days out of a week with each other. i wish we'd grocery shop and make dinner again. hec - 3 days before we broke up, he invited me over to his parents house for dinner and he he was esctatic that i finally sat down with them. i wish we were still going to go away on a weekend getaway together (which was his idea!). i wish he was still text messaging me everyday from work. i wish hed still hug me. ugh :(

sorry for the long post ...
eeksj
:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:41am

"so...since two weeks ago, ive been clinging onto this hope that its not REALLY OVER-OVER...that he'll "come to his senses," or that he'll "overcome his fears," and maybe "he really just does need time." but, last night - something else hit me.

maybe - it IS over-over? he'll probably never come to his senses... furthermore, maybe his fear isnt even the real problem??"

I don't know, but I'd say go with your instinct here. Besides, as long as you make yourself available to him, he never has to decide, never has to act. Meanwhile, you'd be stuck in limbo, unable to process it all and actually move on. Maybe you should act like it's over, unless he distinctly tells you otherwise. That way you're not hurting YOU anymore.

What a messy situation... I hope you find your peace, somehow. :o(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 9:23am

u know im in the same boat as you, i was with a guy for 9 YEARS, and he wants to call it quits...have his cake and eat it too...to put it in his words.

the way i see it, i could drive myself crazy, and wonder WHY, and try and find a reason (trust me i spend 2 weeks doing this) or i could let time heal my heart. it will take some time to get over your ex. this is a given. and by no means is it easy. but somewhere deep down inside (look hard) there is enough strength to get through today. then everyday after that there will be more strength for one more day. its a time thing hun. dont take years off your life worrying if he was mr right. What is helping me, Im emailing and calling my girlfriends, they have let me vent, then i try to find something else to talk about, anything. the weather, my job, whats going on in their life.
Im forcing myself to get out of my pajamas, and get out for coffe, out for that movie, or just invite someone to hang with me. thats what friends are for.
And you know? it does work. everyday i do feel sad, but not for as long. it doesnt consume my day anymore, just a small portion, eventually I may be able to get through a day with out feeling sad about a rewarding relationship, which we had lots of good memeories, and leave it AT THAT.
hope this helps...it has helped me.
all the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 6:27pm

" i wish he was still text messaging me everyday from work. i wish hed still hug me. ugh :("

No really as much as you want it, it won't help you get through it. (((((HUGS)))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 4:33pm

I was involved with a man I felt a true and deep connection with, whom I loved deeply, and whom I saw myself spending forever with. We broke up, a couple of times. We got back together. We had incredible chemistry, an intellectual and emotional connection, and it just "felt right." It felt like it was meant to be. We couldn't stay away from each other, just more proof of destiny, right? When it really was "over-over," when he disappeared almost six months ago after my dog died, with no explanation, refusing to return my calls, I thought I was going to die. I went through that "OMG, is it over-over" thing you're going through. I was convinced I could not survive without him, without this relationship, that everything good was gone, that I would never again be happy or get married or be in love.

Not to be flippant about it, I know how real what you're feeling actually is. But that feeling passes. Honestly, it does. It's a bit like going swimming for the first time, all that water looms so deep, you're terrified, you resist, you panic. Then, eventually, you overcome it (or your uncle throws you into the lake), and you adjust, cope, realize it wasn't as bad as you expected, and start paddling.

This moment of horrified realization is, actually, as bad as it gets. It's actually all uphill from there. And, believe it or not, there is life after the end of a relationship you thought you'd die without. There's still comedy, hot fudge sundaes, cute dogs in the park, cute guys at the club, all of it. Your life will be different than you'd imagined, but you will survive, prosper, and will probably realize you're better off - eventually. In fact, sometimes the intensity of this "it can't be over" moment clues you in to the fact that you're addicted to the relationship or have an unhealthy attachment here, that you're better off without.

It will hurt for a long time, and you'll be apathetic about things, you'll retreat into a cocoon for a while and disconnect, then you'll slowly emerge and start feeling again. Read a collection of poems called "Kiss Off - Poems to Set You Free."