Sadder than I've ever Been

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Sadder than I've ever Been
8
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 6:26pm
No one responded to "this time it's real?" so maybe this one will get some responses. Last night I broke down and went over to my ex's house (i'm obviously not over him) because I just had the strongest urge to see him. He was exactly the same and it was just like always and great. We laid on his bed and I wanted to tell him how badly I wanted to get back together with him, how much I had missed him. He ended up telling me first..He said he still loved me and wanted me as much as he always has and never wanted to break up in the first place As we hugged eachother, I jokingly said, "So...have you hooked up with anyone lately?" He responded with "You don't want to know" and turned away. I have honestly never felt my heart do this, it hurt so bad.

Turns out, he got drunk on his birthday and did stuff with his roommate. She is his best friend and a girl I had always been wary of. I knew she had feelings for him, but he always swore to me nothing would ever happen between them, he had no attraction to her. He said in the weeks we'd been apart he'd thought of nothing but me but it was his birthday and he was feeling lonely and he thought we were never going to get back together. His friends had always told him, you and this girl are so alike- try it and see how it works (the girl he did stuff with). He said he thought of me the entire time it was happening, and he knew how wrong it is- how nothing would ever happen again. I'm not stupid, I know this is how it goes, how guys pull this all the time. I cried because I knew that after this there is no going back, it was honestly my worst fear realized. I never actually thought that the two of them would ever go there, but it happened and i'm so confused. I can say I'm glad he was honest and didn't lie- this has always been his strong point. We both feel horrible, both still love eachother, but is it possible to go back after this much has happened? I don't know if I will ever be happy.

:(

Please Respond, Thanks...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 7:09pm
You two were broken up, she was there, you asked and he was honest. Now the thing to ask yourself is "What do you want?" I know it's hurtful, but since you were broken up it's not exactly like he cheated on you. You were always worried about their relationship and know you know. He's experienced both of you and he chooses you. I think what hurts most for you is that you feel that if he was that much in love with you, how could he be with anyone else? I would feel the same way, but I've learned a few things about guys from hanging out at MarsVenus.com. He didn't do that stuff with his roommate because he had forgotten you--he did it because he was TRYING to FORGET you. He was in pain and trying to numb it with alcohol and affection.

If I was in your shoes, I would try to forget this and work things out with him. I would sit down and honestly, yet calmly, express my concerns that given that barrier has been broken, that you have concerns about him turning to her for "comfort" when there are issues with you. I wouldn't make it an ultimatum, but it might not be a bad idea for him or her to start looking for a new place to live.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 4:57am
thank you for responding louise. i apprec. it.

i'm still fairly confused about it, and we haven't talked about it since that first night as he hasn't called me.

he'll never accept it if i was to give him that ultimatum. he and this girl are best friends so i don't know if that's even fair of me to say...hmm

what do you think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 9:36am
I agree with Louise. And it is fair for you to say that one of them needs to move. Sure, they are best friends. And up until now it wasnt a problem. But if he really loves you and wants to be with you, he needs to move. This way you feel comfortable. Besides, he needs to understand, everytime you go visit him, you dont need to be seeing his roomate! I hope it works out for you!



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 3:28pm
I know it's difficult to clearly see what to do while you are going through a situation like this -- but for a moment, emotions aside, take off the rose-colored glasses that could be blurring your vision and ask yourself if this guy is worth it to you. Analyze the situation thoroughly. Do you feel you have had a healthy relationship overall? Do you just love the idea of being with him, and feeling comfort from the relationship that's been there on/off for 3 years, or do you love the person you are when you are with him... do you love who he is, his actions and all...Do you love the way you two interact and enhance each other's lives and happiness? Do you have more good moments, then bad moments? Can you provide you with what you need, vice versa...

More questions to think about:

What exactly do you want? Are you both willing to put in the effort needed to have a relationship together? You said you have been on/off... Can you honestly say that this will work? Do you see the on/off thing re-occuring and is that okay with you? How old are you two -- do you think that the ignoring each other, getting back again, etc, will solve future issues? "we've had our share of problems and have gone through many times of ignoring eachother for awhile/getting back together." (taken from your post)

Do you think you could drop the idea of what happened between he and his roommate and truly start again? If you feel that this is something that you will hold over his head, or will never truly get over, then I don't see how you could both start again. The past difficulties you have had will still be there -- so how would you two approach the issues differently so you don't fall into the same pattern? What kind of boundaries could you set?

I do give the guy credit for being honest with you.... Remember, this is what you said from your last post... "i can't say we ever officially broke it off, it has just kind of fizzled out, with less and less time together. however, we do the friends thing:..." So, it doesn't sound like any cheating going on, and he was straightforward which shows he has some excellent qualities. It also sounds like he was conflicted, and curious... Is he over that feeling with this other girl? Does he want a more serious relationship, or more casual exclusive one -- meaning, are you two on the same page?

I know that is a lot to think about, but you really do need to go through these things yourself before you jump back into a "relationship" with your ex. Don't go back to him for the wrong reasons -- 'where you just love the feeling of being in love, or that you want to eliminate the pain you are feeling now, or love the affection he provides that makes you feel safe or loved, make sure that this relationship has provided many more positives in your life, as opposed to more negatives. Look at the dynamic you had with him and how you felt most of the time.

Good luck!

~~SD~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 8:11pm
I don't blame you for being confused. I am sure I would be if I were in your shoes. One thing that they recommend at MarsVenus.com is writing a "feeling letter" where you explore your feelings of anger, fear, sadness and love. You would direct it to your boyfriend (although you don't send it) and then write a response letter as if it came from him outlining what you would like to hear. Then finally you write an acceptance letter. The first one is the most important and it will help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.

I don't think you should give him an ultimatum regarding the girl friend or anything else. But I do think you need to let him know gently and calmly that you do have issues with her proximity to the situation (given this new incident) while the two of you are attempting to work on your issues and rebuild your relationship.

How did you leave things after finding out? Why haven't you two talked?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 2:24am
first of all, i would like to thank you guys for all these responses...it is truly helping me through this.

ok the whole age thing: i am young. i'm 20, he just turned 21. we are eachothers firsts, so that could also be the reason we can't seem to give eachother up- we are stupid kids. however, i do feel that it is much more than that. i do feel comfort when i am with him, and i know that could in turn be bad-but i just feel so loved with him. i feel like we used to have a healthy relationship, but we had been apart for so long and it got confusing.

as far as the someone moving out thing goes, the problem is that they are both pretty poor and i'm aware that they are both struggling for money right now. trust me, i would feel much better if they didn't live together, but i think i should be mature about this in respect to the whole money thing. it would be a useless fight and it's impossible right now. however, i am really scared about seeing her and him together if i go over there. she was always there- the thing is i really reached out to this girl, truly. i didn't click with her from the start but i would always go out of my way to be kind to her. i bought her gifts when i went on vacation, we would all hang out together etc. i think she had it out for me/didn't like me, due to her feelings for him though.

anyway

i feel that when the two of us were, in fact, IN a relationship it was good. This isn't to say we didn't fight (obviously) but I do relate that to our age and inexperience. I will admit I am a difficult person and am always up for an argument. He is very set in his ways and has strong opinions, but I do love many things about him too- some of these traits I have never found in others. We are very different people- different incomes, different passions- but we have always encouraged eachother, supported eachother, etc.

The night he told me about her, he said it was never going to happen again. Last I heard he wants me to come back to him, and this was on Friday night. I said, "You need to call me, we need to talk about this." We hugged eachother and it was difficult but felt so normal and nice. I'm confused though- see, when we were in a relationship if he said he would call that would mean the next day...but now that we aren't a couple I guess I'm just supposed to wait? This is hard and guys are confusing.

Thank you for the letter idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 7:03pm
Well, you are very young, but you seem to be very wise for your age. The part of me that is twice your age (LOL!!!) wants to tell you that you are so young and maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship yet. I feel like you should be dating and exploring your options and experiencing all different sorts of people. You have 5-10 years before you should even be worrying about settling down. Maybe this guy is that one, maybe he isn't.

I think the thing with your boyfriend is that he knows he has hurt you and that hurts him. I think you have to let him know that while you are hurt, you still love him and want to work things out. Then you need to do whatever it takes to be open to trusting him again. As I said before, guys need trust. The other thing I've learned about men from MArsVenus.com is that they want to be with a woman that they feel they can make happy ('cuz if they can make us happy, then we'll make THEM happy ;) ). If your guy feels like he is making you unhappy, he's not going to be able to continue the relationship.

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 6:08pm
I think you have the beginnings of a potentially great relationship. As you mentioned, you learned that he is honest. A great quality to have in relationships. The problem is that the truth hurts. You two were broken up so you can't blame him for what happened during that time. However, I can relate to how you feel because I too was once in that same situation. But, I did give the utimatium and he being willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work was willing to give up his friendship with his best friend (a woman) He too had "casual sex" during our break up. The ironic thing is, she was a really nice person and I couldn't see telling him he could never speak to her again. But I think it helped that he was willing to end it!! So instead, we all became good friends. Turns out, later the relationship ended for totally different reasons, yet, she and I are still friends..go figure. Just keep an open mind. You just never know how things can work out. But willingness to work things out by both of you will utimately determine the success or termination of your relationship.

Good luck!!