sadly enough i am back.....and very sad

Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
sadly enough i am back.....and very sad
4
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 12:20pm
hi everyone. you may recognize me i was a regular on this board in march when my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years told me he needed a break. i was DEVASTATED and you all helped me sooo much. after seeing his ex-fiance during our break-up (which was a huge problem during our relationship) he came back to me with the realization that i was the one and he got rid of his baggage with her. against some of the advice i got not to go back, i figured i love him soooo much i have to try. well, since then i have tried and things were pretty good although i did discover, by my own investigation, that they still talk-apparently she called him threatening to kill herself and he "helped" her through. i dont wanna sound mean, but i thought he should direct her to professional help and not be her savior-it was damaging to me and her-supposedly he understood-BUT whatever, i still dont know what the dynamic of their relationship is at this point and i cant control it so why bother. i figured as long as he is with me, i have nothing to worry about.

BUT- there is still this issue of me being the "ONE". i discussed it many times causually, not really getting much response from him until the other day when he said"you have been talking about this proposal thing alot" in an annoyed way. i thought to myself that that was the premise for me taking him back and really knowing he was serious and made up his mind about me. i hung in there for 6 months giving him time and no ring. so i put it on the table very angrily-i am smart, loving, beautiful with so much to offer, how dare he be uncertain at this point? its been over 2 years-im gonna be 30- and he put me thru the mill already. yes, i do want security-i see nothing wrong with that. and i want a husband and children ect. he said he thinks about it everyday, he loves me and i am the best thing that ever happened to him-yet i am "impulsive" and he moves slower than i. he concluded that "someday" he will be ready and want the same. i was and am still furious!!! i cant help but think that maybe his baggage is still an issue, and maybe it will never happen. meanwhile i break my back juggling being the perfect gfriend, student, worker ect. and it may never pay off. so i finally just called it off. in so many words i told him "ya snooze ya lose" if he cant see what he has and isnt wanting to seal the deal then i am gone. he had enough second chances with me. of course to him i am irrational. but am i? i truly beleive in my heart that i am a great catch and if i tell a guy i want to spend my life with him, i expect him to rush to the jewelry store the next day and be the happiest guy in the world. neither one of us is getting any younger and everything is in place, or so i thought.

of course i am devastated again. part of me feels like maybe i should cont to hang in there, but i cant help but feel resentment. also it is ruining my self worth that he isnt sure if he wants me forever. i felt like i had to end it. and the worst little part of me now is that hope that he will show up with the ring sooner or later-i know thats wrong and i am trying to get rid of it.

its so scary and i feel so angry that i have to get out there again and start from scratch and will i ever love like i love him? he really got in my head and heart, but how could i stay and invest more always wondering if it will ever pay off? did i make the right decision? do you think he will show up again with a ring? he already has called and text me and emailed me. he said how much he loves me, im the best thing, he is sad and misses me ect. i am so angry and sad-i just cant go back. ive gone back too many times-if he doesnt know, i just cant live with that anymore. thanks for your support

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 12:37pm
Oh man... this sounds so familiar... it sounds like me! I feel for you. You've made a very difficult decision that is in your own best interest.

I got married when I was 30 to the man that told me he would love me forever... blah, blah, blah. 3 yrs later he walked out on our marriage. Then after 6 months we went to marital counseling when he asked for a 2nd chance. We discussed everything in those counselng sessions including children. Here I am 3 yrs later and he walked again after telling me first, in April, that he never wants children, then admitting in counseling that he DOES want kids someday just not yet... so not with me. We had a big trip to Europe planned for July and then I was going off the pill and we were starting a family. I waited for 9 yrs to start a family because he said I was the one and that he just wasn't ready "yet"... I am now 36 yrs old and starting over too. My reality now is that I may never have kids. Physically I know I could, but now I know that I am looking at being close to 40 or more... and I have to decide if I WANT to start a family that late.

I, too, am devastated and angry... those are normal parts of grieving, but I cannot wait any longer for him to determine my life. My divorce will finalize on December 4.

Sounds to me like you have taken control of your life back... it's not his decision to make for you. You are doing well to make the decision yourself. Because I was already married and took those vows seriously, I let him have a whoooooole lot of control over the course of my life. In hindsight I should not have waited for HIM to decide that he was ready for kids... I should have told him I was ready and like you said, if not "ya snooze ya lose"...

this may be tough on you for sometime, but waiting around for him to get his crap together sounds like it's not an option for you. You deserve more than what he is willing to offer... good for you for laying it out there and taking charge of your life! Hugs... I hope it gets easier and that both you and I find someone that loves us as we deserve!

Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 1:57pm
aw honey i read your story and i got the chills. i can totally understand this obligation you felt to hang in there for the sake of "love" but i think that it is so important to come to a point sooner or later to deicide how much hanging in there you can and should do as to not go crazy and be miserable spending more time "repairing a relationship than enjoying it like youre supposed to". neither one of us can say we dont love these men, we certainly do and that is what makes it so hard. but ultimately i am learning you must love yourself and not deny yourself what you want for your future b/c your mate cant/wont comply. it is such a rut we get stuck in and feel guilty for leaving only to go back to the same rut. i truly feel that engagement, marriage, kids ect. should be a happy time that both shouldd be excited for-not a time of convincing and hoping and waiting and EXCUSES. our men denied us what we wanted for thier own personal "issues" it is not our faults-from the sounds of it we both tried more than we should have-AND that is exactly it-why should one reduce herself to trying so hard. a man is supposed to do all within reasonable limits to make his love happy-ours obviously failed.

although i sound i am devasted too. but i have to be true to myself.

and you are still young. my mom had my little sis from her second marriage when she was 41 and loved it. you still have time-stay positive and mr. right will see that and find you irresistable.

my only problem now is that i know all this and i know what i have to do-but its soon (3 days and he calls me ect.) and its so hard to get rid of this hope that it can work out, that is what has caused me to go back before. but i know i dont want him coming to me now out of fear that he lost me. the opportunity was there and he didnt take it b/c he didnt want it then. if it dawns on him he wants it now, it will certainly be for the wrong reasons-but i am ridiculous for envisoning that-it hampers moving on.

take care and hugs-keep me posted.

a

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 5:21pm
Hey Chicks...

You've both been run around, kind of like me. In the very beginning my ex told me that he wasnt ready to be with anyone, and even though I was an 'awesome girl', he needed time. Then, he said that he knew it was now or never.. all the meanwhile, his ex girlfriend was ALWAYS on his mind, and in the end the reason for our breakup.

I was there for him thru thick and thin. When he had financial problems, I bailed him out.. when he didnt know how to get going on the remodeling of his house, I had my families business come in and take the burden off... I taught him how to do everything from make french toast, to patch a hole in the wall with compound. Basically, I prepped him for his newly established life with his ex-girlfriend.

When he broke up with me, he crushed my spirit. It took me a solid 2 months before I could go an hour without thinking about him, or us, or what might have been... now I have moments, throughout the day that something reminds me of him, but more often than not, I'm grateful that I'm no longer with him. I have to remind myself of the fear I felt every single day, that he would go back to his ex, because that was a CONSTANT in our relationship. I always had that underlying suspicion that if we were to break up it would be because of her, and guess what? I was right.

Ladies, we are all so much better off... its so hard now, but we do deserve better, and we'll get it. Do you really want to go on throughout your life wondering if today will be the day that he leaves you because he's not ready? As Avril sings:

"All this time you were pretending, so much for my happy ending."

It's what we wanted, but its what they "Thought" they wanted, but they were wrong. You dont deserve to be with someone that "thinks" it might be what they want. You deserve to be with someone that KNOWS you're the one.

Hugs, love, and light..

Di

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 6:54pm
I agree with all the other posters. When a man says, "I'd love to spend my life with you, but...," pay attention to the "but." He can rationalize his ambivalence until he's blue in the face, but the fact that he doesn't jump at the chance to have a future with you means that a) he's not ready to settle down and/or b) he doesn't love you as much as he claims he does. You're listening to your gut and planning for your future. Kudos to you!

Freelance