sad...need to ramble..
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| Mon, 04-11-2005 - 6:10pm |
k - im not even going to make sense here, i think im just going to ramble..
finalized my breakup with my ex yesterday - was really hard.
its sad because its done.
its hard to accept because it doesnt make sense.
even harder to walk away from when my gut just know how US is sooo RIGHT.
and whats much more depressing is that HE knows its RIGHT ..
how he is willing to walk off anyways, i dont understand. he says, "i cant convince myself it will work out. just for the fact that i have a fear, means we should not try.".. and in some ways, i can almost understand - but then, i refuse to live in fear. whe it seems so right, and feels so natural - why fight it even if we're scared??
i wish i could shake him. i wish hed stop being so stubborn. i wish he'd have faith in us instead of run away with his fear. i want to cry to him - it just hurts so much. i need his hug so badly to make this pain go away.
im frustrated too because i have so much that i need to do right now. im in the middle of my final exam period and these are some pretty important courses that i really cant be failing out of ..
but my heart hurts. my chest feels heavy, and tears keep streaming down my face.
like him, i too can reason with myself for all the reasons why i shouldnt be with him. like him - i too can convince myself to feel a certain way for him... its just that.. in the moments when im truly honest with myself, i know that its not what my heart wants despite what my head may warn...and i just believe in so much more with us than this.
i feel panicky right now - as though i want to cry to him this very second. i dont know how much longer i can bite my tongue. i dont know if theres any use in trying to talk..
oh im so confused. how do i get rid of this pain? like, can anyone just come into the pit of my chest and just take out this thing that hurts sooooooooooo much????
my head just keeps replaying the way we were just days before... my head just keeps remembering all the great ways he was with me, and i want to scream WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY
everything i love is making me sad right now. ive shared wayyyy to much with him. i hate the pretty weather outside - i want a 24 hr eclipse to match my mood. i hate the weekends now because i know im no longer spending it with him.
i dont think anyone can say antyhign to me to make me feel better really. i mean, unless someone actually knows how to reach into my soul and light me alive once more... but i guess thats unrealistic thinking.
i dont know what to do because theres a part of me that wants to give him way to reach out to me. maybe i shouldnt block him on my msn?? maybe i should ask to be friends??? im soooooooooooooooooooooooooo confused.
help.
just sad.
really sad.
eeksj

Eeksj,
I hate to see you so sad! I know the pain seems unbearable. I feel like you are really needing him right now, and he knows you need him, and I think one of the things that scares men who are in the midst of getting out of a relationship is the feeling that they are needed or suffocated.
He knows how you feel, he knows that you love him. You've done everything you can do you, so please don't beat yourself up. I'm absolutely sure that you offered him everything you could and should regret nothing.
This is an important time for you--you have finals coming up and you need to stay focused on them. The pain from this relationship will fade over time, but you will be so much more upset with yourself if you let this relationship get in the way of your school, your career, your future, etc.
I'm sure the memories and the friendship is what's hurting you the most now, I know that those are the most difficult for me to get over. I'm really glad I have the memories that I do and that I shared the time with him that I did, but just because you have great memories doesn't mean that the relationship should continue. I know it's probably not healthy, but I try not to think too much about the great memories right now. I focus on really annoying things. My ex bf couldn't tie his own tie, never helped around the house, was scared of any sport where he could get injured and was moody. I won't miss any of those things. Yeah, there are always 1,000 things to miss, but I just can't focus on it right now. Hopefully soon I'll be able to look back and smile instead of cry, but until I get to that point, I'm trying remember everything he ever did that pissed me off.
I really hope you start feeling better, I'm so sorry you're feeling so lost.