same old stuff
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| Mon, 09-20-2004 - 1:22pm |
I know I should tell him not to contact me anymore (although I doubt he would listen anyways--he's fairly arrogant). But part of me wants him to keep trying...so he knows how it feels to be ignored, like I was. I want him to hurt...why is it that guys can just pick up and move on so quickly? He has a new girlfriend (they got together right after we broke up for good)...although part of me wonders if maybe he isn't as happy with her as he makes it sound. Maybe he still contacts me because he knows that deep down, something is missing.
Of course, I'm sure I'm being foolish and he's probably just trying to get a reaction out of me. He's playing a game...but I think I'm always going to hope otherwise. Ugh...I still think about him all the time. I'm always wondering if he's thinking of me/missing me/going to contact me, etc. You know--even though we broke up, one thing hasn't changed...I'm still living my life for him in a way. How sad, huh?
I still wonder if we could be friends...even though he's been such a jerk, and I'd be better off without him. There was just something about him that made me happy...he made ME want to be better. Plus he's really intelligent and we always had the most interesting conversations. There were some parts of him that I absolutely adored...and it's been hard for me to forget the amount of good (no matter how little) in him...
I want to tell him that I need time to get over him...but I don't want him to know that! Haha, does that make any sense? I don't want him to know I'm still hurting...I want to have the power. I don't want him to think that I'm still that vulnerable when it comes to him...I don't want to make his already huge ego any bigger. I've made it pretty obvious in the past that I'm sooooooo attached to him. Lately I've been doing a good job of ignoring him and pretending like I don't care, and it's made me feel good...but I don't know. Part of me wants him to know that I do still care...I'm still worried that by ignoring him now, I'm ruining any chance of us ever being friends. But another part of me feels so proud that I've managed to ignore his attempts to contact me.
He doesn't even deserve to be my friend...so why do I want that? In a way, I've been as bad as he is when it comes to playing games...I'm ashamed of the way I've acted. Sometimes I do things (like ignore him) just to see how he'll react. And I know he does the same thing...ahh. Will it ever end? The way I want it to? What do I even want anymore?

Then, my ex keeps lacing his conversation with all of these mixed messages, reminiscing about old times, including intimate times, and suggesting that we get together, offering to help me out with my home improvement projects, whatever. The one time I made the mistake of taking him up on his offer (he suggested we hang out Sunday afternoons, because I put a stop to "date night") I said let's go to the zoo, and he never responded or followed up on it, so I just treat it all as a lot of talk he doesn't intend to back up with any action. He had too many opportunities to get back together when I was still dealing with the cancer and all emotional, and he wasn't interested, so I don't know what he's up to now. Suddenly, today, he's all fired up eager to go out to lunch (I took a new job a block from his office) and he wants to talk to me about my health, to be supportive. I pushed him off with "I'm busy" today, but, honestly, we both work in the same field, we'll run into each other in connection with work sooner or later, or just at the same lunch spot because we work so close together. I left him, I figure it's just mean to totally refuse to see him ever again, but I also know that's rationalizing - I'm hoping that his current effort is the long-delayed attempt to "make it up to me" and grovel in apology for how he treated me before. I gather this is something you're thinking, too. I think it's so unlikely I'd bet on seeing a UFO first, but that way of thinking does have a sad appeal, doesn't it? Good luck to you.
That's interesting your ex calls while you're out on dates, etc. Mine has text-messaged me quite a few times over the weekends since we've broken up--I just figured he's probably drunk. But maybe you're right--maybe part of it is he thinks I must be out having fun, and is just trying to make me uncomfortable.
I'm sorry to hear that your ex wasn't there for you the way you deserved when you were going through your battle with cancer, etc. I wish for your sake he had been strong enough to deal with it and help you get through it.
Everyone says no-contact is the best way to go...and I've been good about not responding to him lately. But even if it's what I need, I don't know if it's what I really want...I totally understand what you mean about the way you feel when you do talk to the ex. Even though the rare occasions we have talked have ended badly, for awhile I feel like my old self. He definitely has the ability to make me feel like sh*t, but he can also make me the happiest person in the world. I just feel such a connection with him...and before we started dating, we were good friends for about a year. I miss our friendship so much...he's been there for me through a lot of rough times in the past. I think that's why it's so hard for me to believe that he doesn't care anymore...or to pretend like I don't. I can't seem to forget the good I've seen in him...
I don't think he wants to be friends, or even wants to know me at all now. We don't even live close by, so there's no way we can see each other, even as friends. He lives in Pennsylvania, I live in Michigan...and like I said, he has a new girlfriend. I've tried so hard to contact him in the past, let him know that I still care and would like to be his friend...and he's usually just ignored me (except for an occasional reply or random txt/IM). It's only lately that he's started to try and contact me...and it's probably because I haven't been. I haven't even been responding...so that probably really confuses him. He even said something about wanting to come see me and talk...but I'm sure he would never follow through on it. Like your ex, he says things and never actually does them.
I'm sure it's all just a game...so why do we keep playing it?