Sandra? (Warning: novel)
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| Sun, 02-18-2007 - 4:33pm |
Sandra,
I am sitting here contemplating the latest melodrama that is my romantic life, and I was thinking I wish I had someone like Sandra to talk to to make me feel better. Even if you don't read this today, I suppose it will help to get it out.
To sum it up, my relationship with B has been less than a smooth ride since he came home in July. I know I have told you some of it. Basically, we both have baggage and we find a way to push eachother's buttons on a regular basis. We love eachother, have a lot of passion, and when things don't suck, we have a lot of fun. But due to some of the baggage, and some differences (and similarities) in personality and style, we clash regularly and when we do- it sucks. It seems like as soon as we work out one thing, something else pops up. We resolve, we move on and then it all starts again. I believe the central issue is that we are both afraid of getting hurt, of putting it all out there and it not working out. That manifests for each of us differently, and how we both react to any sign of things maybe not working (our different ways of retreating/throwing up the walls) pushes the other's buttons and the cycle repeats.
We had a heart to heart a couple of weeks back and I thought we made a lot of headway. We talked about the above realization and how we both had a "get out first" mentality that was damaging. We needed to stop being so hypercritical and relax and allow eachother to let down the walls. We both love eachother very much and had high hopes for this relationship. We proceeded to have a much smoother couple of weeks. I felt relieved.
And then...Valentine's Day. UGH. One of my major issues is that I have a hard time expressing my feelings in person. I am great in writing, but lacking in the physical realm. I have gotten much better in terms of physical affection and it makes me happy to do it, but in the area of things like gifts..UGH. I have this tendency to downplay things other ppl might get excited about in the attempt to avoid disappointment. I do this with everything- job interviews, holidays, etc. I know this isn't a good thing and after going through my divorce I really saw how damaging it was. I WANT to change it. B knows how I feel about "hallmark holidays" but he wanted to recognize the day anyway. I asked if we could skip it. He said no. I really meant just skipping gifts, not meaning we couldn't go to dinner or something. Again, I really just didn't want to disappoint him. I know this probably sounds counterintuitive, but I figure that by not doing gifts, there is no expectation, nothing for me to fail at. :(
But he wanted to do it, so I agreed and found myself actually getting into the gift shopping. I picked him up a few thoughtful things and a nice card and he came to pick me up, brought me a giant heart balloon, some boxes of chocolates, champagne, strawberries. We had to leave to make our reservations, and I was slightly disappointed that he didn't insist on getting his gift before we went. So we come home (I will add that I was REALLY tired this night and truly would have rather stayed home in my jammies, but I had taken a bath, fixed myself up and got all dolled up, even wearing a skirt in 10 degree weather bc this was important to HIM). Well, I asked him if he wanted his gift and he sd "no". (later, he explained that I didn't seem enthusiastic about it at all, he wanted me to bring it to him, thrust it at him all excited like he did with mine. Well, again, it's ME the downplayer). He eventually gets up to go get it (clearly he DID want it, but was trying to get me to deliever it properly. Grr). And as he's opening, I can't even look at him. I know this is MY issue, but I don't want to see a look of disappointment when someone opens a present- I always look away when ppl open. He, of course, is looking for some enthusiasm from me which he doesn't get and therefore interprets this as meaning I am feeling annoyed and put out by the whole Valentine's business and he feels terribly deflated that I'm not excited about it. But the thing is, deep down, I AM. I love this guy so much and I WANT to express it in the way that he most feels it (he's more physical, more into gift giving/receiving), I'm more verbal..I have heard about the five love languages and it's clear we speak different ones. I am not unwilling to give what he needs, I just know I need time and practice with what comes naturally to some people.
So, here I am a few days after Vday. He and I talked about it, we moved on and went ahead with plans on Fri and Sat. But there was a tension there. I knew he was once again questioning whether he could live with this forever. I feel him pull away, it makes me nervous, I am also PMSing, so not a good combo. He almost leaves on Friday. I talk him out of it. We have sex, things are ok. We wake up, we lounge around, play games, get ready to go out with friends as planned. Again, we're OK, but I still feel the tension. He does this where he pulls back from me after he's disappointed. Talking about it doesn't take that away. I don't know how to make it right, he doesn't know what he needs to make it right. He stays, he indicates by his presence that he wants it to work, but I am so frustrated with not knowing how to make it ok again. I feel emotional. I see him pack his overnight bag. I know this means he's thinking of not staying tonight, which is odd. Further evidence that all is still not well. He admits he's not sure he's staying (we are going to a party, will be home late, normally he would always stay). I burst into tears (damn PMS). He tells me he's not mad, it's ok, he just can't pretend it doesn't bother him and that it doesn't make him question our long term potential. Doesn't know if he can live with my lack of "enthusiasm" and expression. We've had this convo before. Clearly, even though my intention is there and I love him to death, and I know he loves me, he doesn't FEEL what he needs to and he's not sure he can take that.
Somehow, we manage to get it together and I splash some water on my face and we go. It's my best friend's Bday party, we have invited several of his friends and there is going to be no resolving this issue tonight anyway. He assures me that he loves me- no question about that, but that he just doesn't know. Well, I truly understand that and I can't think of anything else to say about it. I want to change, but I know it won't be overnight. I know if a relationship is not meeting someone's needs, they have every right to walk away. I can't stop him if he wants to. Even though I want it to work, I know it might not. We go out, I drink A LOT. I end up (very uncharacteristically) toasted by like 1am. In the meantime, he and I pretty much carried on like normal. I figured I might as well let it go- for the time being- and throw myself into having a good time with him while he's here. So, I'm wasted and my sister offers to take me home and leave the door open for him. He agrees and stays out with our friends (considering how things have been, this doesn't bother me). In the light of the morning today, I'm shocked he came home to me. He had every excuse not to. But he came. Drove out of his way at 5am (his friends went to another place after the bar). So this morning, we lay around talking about the events of the evening, blah blah. Things are ok. Still not feeling the love from him (no physical affection or anything, just like yesterday). We play fight a little, I'm trying to make things normal. It doesn't work. I feel like there's an elephant in the room and so I bring it up. I wonder why he comes here and then it's half-hearted. Like why didn't he just stay home? It's a painful reminder as he lays here, not touching me, that things are NOT ok. The two weeks of smooth sailing, gone because I screwed up on Vday (granted some would say his expectations are too high, and maybe they are, but it's not as if I'm not capable of doing more to please him, I'm just a slow learner, I guess). I tell him I feel like I'm being punished. Like he doesn't allow any room for error. I am sorry he was disappointed on Vday, but the sentiment is definitely there- it's IN me. I love him in a way I haven't loved anyone- including my XH. I KNOW he loves me too. I know he's afraid he loves me too much and will never get what he needs from me.
So, he left. He basically said he didn't want to be here and he doesn't know what to do about "us". I expressed that we only had our revelation a couple of weeks back and we need some time to follow through with what we said we'd do (be less critical, more patient, make more effort to show eachother how we feel instead of hiding behind the walls). It's like when I disappointed him on Vday, the agreement we had two weeks back was now null and void. Now I'm "always" this and "never" that and we just aren't happy, blah blah. Well, I'm not going to convince him I'm worth the effort. I agree it's been a lot of work and I truly don't know when you decide how much is too much. I can't even say I disagree with him. Maybe we shouldn't be together. Maybe relationships are meant to be when two ppl share the SAME love language.
All I know is I'm so frustrated and sad. We are running in circles and despite being frustrated and sad, I still feel like we could be great together and I don't WANT to walk away. I know I have issues that will go with me to the next guy if I don't work them out here. I am not one to bail. There is nothing awful I can say about him. It's just been hard for both of us and when he left today, I don't know, I just feel like I don't know what else to do. He doesn't know if it should be this much work and if he has the patience to see if things will improve. In my younger days, I would have definitely advised someone in this situation to GET OUT. But I have experienced several long term relationships and I know that what I feel for him is different. He's the man I want for so many reasons. IF we could make eachother consistently happy. I want him to want to work on this. I know that he has a right not to. I will not convince him to stay if he needs to go and I will understand, as hard as it is. It just plain sucks.
So here I am feeling like I will never get this relationship stuff right. I don't know if I have the energy to do it all again. My divorce about broke my heart and THIS guy I feel so much for, it's scary. I know nothing will be as hard as my divorce and I know if it's not right, I need to accept that and move on. But I just wonder how I can wrap my brain around walking away from someone you love so much. If anyone else has read this novel, perhaps you've had experience with a breakup where it wasn't like someone walked away convincingly- knowing they wanted out of the relationship because of X,Y,Z. I guess in my other breakups it was more cut and dried. There was really no hope for "working it out". It was more just one of us having to accept it. With this one, we both question why it's so darn difficult, but we also admit to our baggage, know we are not the easiest people individually and both came into this with such high hopes- being close friends for a long time. I know he doesn't really want to walk away either. We both just want it to be easier than it is. And I guess if we can't make eachother happy, and have no idea how to change that, it's best to end it?
So, I guess my question for you is, I know you loved drummer boy with all your heart, yet due to some mutual baggage, I suppose you could say, you had to part ways. How do you come to acceptance that it's for the best, when your heart tells you, even now from what I've seen, that this guy is special and if you had a chance- a REAL chance this time- it could be everything you ever wanted? I mean, I used to scoff at "soul mate" stuff and I definitely would not have thought it should be this hard. But I know I have deep wounds and so does he and we have an extremely powerful connection I have never felt with anyone before. It's like being so close to what you so desperately want and yet the door is locked and you can't get in. ARGHHH!
Thank you SO MUCH if you actually made it through this and you have some words of wisdom (anyone else, feel free to put in your 2 cents). I'm sorry it was so long. Feels better now that that's out. Thanks.
Michelle

Hi sweety, I'm glad you came to me.
Take a deep breath, all is not lost.
Thank you so much, Sandra, for putting it all in perspective for me again. You have quite a way of seeing through the crap and getting to the heart of what needs to be done. I sincerely appreciate it.
Email/IM anytime.
You are the best!
Michelle :)