Saw Him with his new girlfriend!
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Saw Him with his new girlfriend!
| Sun, 06-17-2007 - 6:48pm |
Well it was 6 months ago that he broke up with me after our 7 year on again/off again relationship and I thought I was finally doing pretty well. Went for an ice cream with my sister and I saw his daughters drive into the parking lot at the ice cream shoppe. Said to my sister, gee, it's odd that they are not with their father on father's day and turned around to see him hitting golf balls with his new girlfriend! He always told me he didn't have time for a relationship with all of the hours he puts in at work and the responsibilities with his daughters (which I always handled for him). Guess he decided he had time after all. He waved to me and I said hi and kept walking towards my car. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later since we live in a small town and our kids are both seniors at the same high school but I really wasn't ready for it yet! I haven't cried yet but can feel myself getting closer to it as the shock is wearing off. I think my biggest fear is that I won't find someone for myself! I'm 47 years old and feeling like I'm going to be alone forever! Not a good feeling!

Thanks for the response. I got along really well with both of his kids. I have 2 boys and all of the kids got along great. His kids loved me, my kids loved him. But, I think he stayed with me as long as he did because I took such great care of his kids. It was easier than breaking up with me and having to take care of them himself. He was much too busy working and his ex is not real involved with them so I was the solid person that they could go to with anything. I've not only lost him, I've lost the girls as well but I know it's too difficult for all of us for me to try and stay in their lives so I had to back away.
No, we never lived together but he would stay here or I would stay there and we were together as a family almost all of the time. He could just never take that step which should have been a clue to me a long time ago. I have spent the time analyzing the last 6 months knowing that I gave too much and didn't pick up on the clues that he really didn't love me but I loved him so much that I tried to convince myself that he did. I am totally falling apart right now. He wasn't very nice to me the last 2 years we were together, always picking fights so he could take breaks, not being very respectful to me, belittling me in front of the kids. Whenever he would break it off, I was always the one to call and he would come back. This last time, I finally decided I wasn't going to call and just wait to see what he did. Mainly because I noticed that my 16 year old was starting to talk to his girlfriend the same way my guy would talk to me and I realized he was a horrible example for my kids in a lot of ways. So I never called him and he never called me either so I got my answer of how he really felt.
I knew this was going to happen at some point (that I would see him with someone else) but he always told me "you don't understand, if we were to breakup a new relationship would be the last thing on my mind". So, I guess I just kind of kidded myself into thinking that he really meant that. I haven't cried in over 2 months, but this has sent me into a tailspin. I can't seem to stop crying now!
I saw my ex in passing today and I got a little sad - missing him. So I came home and wrote down the things I didn't miss about our relationship. I came up with 19!!!!! Can I share some with you?
His mother is not nice.
I'm finally losing weight!
I am now available for someone fabulous.
I am no longer last on his list.
I can do what I want, when I want, and with whom I want.
No one criticizes me anymore.
It's summertime - lots to do!
He's often miserable about his work/kids issues.
Our "to do" list never got done. His "to do" list got done.
I can find something healthy to do in the lousy four hours he spent with me a week.
My ex's daughter (14) and son (16) hated me. This was encouraged by his mother, who never liked me and exculuded me from anything possible (birthday, mother's day, father's day, etc.). I don't know why, as I am a successful person. Since she was so influential in their lives (the children's mother was absent), her attitude about me rubbed off on the kids over the years. So lots of conflict. I guess he figured it was easier to end our relationship than deal with all of the issues with me vs. his mother/kids. He did end up sticking up for me at the end, but I guess it was too late for us. I always did the right thing, his mother always did the wrong thing and I lost anyway. But at least I can say I have no regrets on how I handled situations.
That's why I asked how you got along with his family.....
So many of yours match mine (see below). I had made a list when we first broke up and came up with 49!!! Everytime I wanted to call him, I reread my list. I really think that's what kept me on the NC route, along with the way my son was mimicking his behavior on how to treat his girlfriend.
I am no longer last on his list. (I came behind everyone, including his friends!)
No one criticizes me anymore. (I never did the right thing)
He's often miserable about his work/kids issues. (Constant complaints but no action!)
Our "to do" list never got done. His "to do" list got done. (Had to do everything myself)
It took him 4 years to bring me around his family (they are out of state). His father died the month he broke up with me. He broke up with me immediately after we returned from the funeral (after I had been holding his family together the whole time his dad was sick, drove his kids down to the funeral (since he was already there) drove them back in a horrible storm. I basically had been doing everything the last 3 months of the relationship and he broke it off saying that we hadn't been getting along that well for the last 2 months!!! I was floored. I'm now working really hard on rebuilding my self-esteem and moving forward but seeing that he had moved forward quicker than I have has really set me back!
Just remember that for awhile, he'll be charming with her. After awhile, she'll be last on his list, she'll be the one criticized, she'll have to deal with the child issues (if it lasts). My problem is that I waited for 8 years because it was always, "once the children are grown, that will be OUR time to be together." Now that it was getting near, I guess he got cold feet or something. I felt like such a loser. But now I am losing weight and my attitude about myself is getting better and I am ready to jump back into my previous life of being single. Today was actually the first day I haven't cried over him since our breakup three weeks ago. I have been with him since I was 29 and I'm 37 now but I still feel I have a lot to offer. I also have great friends whom I have been reconnecting with. And might I also say that I am an overall happier person. Sometimes sad because I do miss the good times, but overall, happy!
I wonder how he's doing but I won't call. "It's called a breakup because its broken" has helped me a lot. Have you dated since the breakup?
No, I haven't dated since the breakup and that's a big part of the problem I'm sure. When I have gone out with friends (most of them married) it's been mostly depressing because I don't feel I am ever going to find someone else.
Your situation sounds familiar. We were together almost 7 years and all I ever heard was "once this (fill in whatever drama he may have going on in his life at any given moment) passes, then I'm going to be able to show you how much I really love you." 7 years later, then it was, this relationship is too much work and there was always a reason not to move in together. Then it was, "I'm too busy for a relationship, seeya". And over the phone, no less, not even in person!!!! Even my 16 year old knew that wasn't right. When he broke up with his girlfriend he said "Mom, you would have been proud of me, I did it in person and hugged her until she stopped crying, I didn't do it over the phone."
He really did a number on my self-esteem and I am desperately trying to get it back. I've read "it's called a breakup because it's broken" many many times but need to pull it back out of the pile of heartbreak recovery books (that I have spent a fortune on over the last 7 years!!!!) and read it again.
I haven't totally read the book yet but I'm getting it done here and there when I get time. We've loved and we've lost. You are not alone and you will get through this. Do you know anything about the woman he was with? Just curious.
I was very pleased with myself yesterday when I realized I didn't cry at all that day for the first time since our breakup. I didn't cry today either. Woo hoo! I realized that my relationship went on for longer than it probably should. I let myself be so insignificant in his life. But I loved him and I did a lot of giving. I would have stayed forever. I will always love him. But I also harbor anger about some things he did - not mean things, just not thoughtful.
I have been very busy filling up my social calendar and getting stuff done that I haven't done in ages - such as reconnecting with girlfriends I hadn't spent time with in months and years. My one girlfriend inspired me. She ended a relationship (15 years) in which she was not happy (again a miserable man). A few months later, she met a really nice guy. I met him the other night and I spent time with them. Seeing her so happy gave me inspiration that I, too, will find happiness again.
I just recently realized how miserable my ex was and that I'm an overall happier person since I am not subjected to his misery anymore.
My one girlfriend keeps calling me to see how I am doing. She keeps wanting to know why, why, why. I keep telling her that I can't answer that. His decision. I'm not going to call him and ask him why one day we are talking about getting married, looking at houses, etc. and five days later I get the "I don't have time for a girlfriend and I don't think I want this anymore" speech (over he phone no less!). Usually these types of men have a new lady love quite quickly. My ex-husband did that to me, too. He told me he would never date again because our marriage was so horrible that I turned him off women. Guess where he moved when he left me? He moved into the home of a girl at work he hade been seeing (!!) And, like I've said before, I think it may have been the easy way out of the constant conflict with his mom/kids.
Do your married (and single) friends know that you are available? I know of several people that connected (and quite successfully, I might add) by being fixed up by friends.
You seem to be a very giving person - everything you did for that man. It is his loss. Be good to yourself!
Well, I posted something else today "Need Advice - do I tell him I know?" I asked my son today if he knew that my ex had a girlfriend since he goes to school with his daughter and they have a lot of the same friends. It turns out that my son has known for quite a while but didn't want me to be hurt so he didn't tell me that there has been a girlfriend for quite a while. It seems that while I was home taking care of his kids, while he was in another state with his sick/dying father, he had time to start a new relationship. So while I have been wondering why all these months and what I possibly could have done to keep him, he was already over me. He didn't even have the decency to tell me the truth, he just kept me hanging. I am totally floored. I have been tearing myself apart trying to think of what I possibly could have done differently and I find out that I never stood a chance. I've decided I'm not going to tell him I know because it really wouldn't do any good and he would just get satisfaction knowing that I am still thinking of him. He would also justify his actions anyway. For somebody who broke up with me over the phone after 7 years and didn't see anything wrong with it, wouldn't care what I have to say anyway.
I hope I can somehow use this new info to help me move forward. I was doing so well before I ran into him and the girlfriend!