Saw Him Last Night.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Saw Him Last Night.....
6
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 10:52am

Ok, so I posted yesterday and said that my ex had called me and that he was coming to see me yesterday afternoon when he got off of work.

This post may be kinda long, because I'm going to put in every last detail.

Here is some background info for those who don't know what happened between my ex and I. We were together 4.5 years since our Junior year in highschool, he is 22, I'm 21. He broke up with me 12 weeks ago because he just needed to be alone, was trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life, etc.... He told me he still loved me, that it wasn't anything I did, but that he just had to do it. I at first, tried, tried, and tried to get him to change his mind, I couldn't get it, if he loved me, then why was he leaving me? I eventually realized that I needed to do no contact with him for awhile, so I could heal. 4 weeks after I started no contact I broke it because the time felt right. We talked and the conversation was good. In that first phone call I asked him if he wanted to hang out with me sometime. He said he would think about it. He called me 5 days later and said he wasn't ready to hang out and needed more time. Ok. We then talked again on the phone 2 days later, he called me to find out if I had been talking to his friend Charlie on Myspace.com. I told him I had, but that it was just to talk to him, nothing scandalous. I also told him I would stop because Charlie was his friend, not mine. We then didn't talk again for 2 weeks at which time I called him, we again just chatted about normal stuff that was going on in our lives. And then yesterday when he called.

On to yesterday. So I was extremely nervous, excited, anxious, etc.. about seeing him. I wasn't sure what to do or say, but I was happy that we were finally going to see eachother after 3 months. I didn't know exactly what he wanted or why he was wanting to see me now, and I knew that I couldn't get my hopes up.

When he got here at my office at about 4:20 p.m. He came in, I brought him back to my office and the first thing he said to me was, "you look cute". Yeah, okay. He then just started talking about the concerts he's been to lately and about his job where he was made a foreman. I finally just said, "Is there a certain reason you wanted to see me?", he said no that he was just ready to finally see me and start possible hanging out. I said okay, I though maybe that you had wanted to see me because you wanted to get back together, he said no that he still needed to be alone, didn't want to be in a relationship, etc..

So we got that into the open and it really was okay with me. Just seeing him was great. We then continued to talk and honestly I felt like I was in highschool again before we started dating when we were friends, but we really liked eachother. It was extremely weird. There was a lot of flirting going on. He then started telling me that I was gorgeous, and how he had missed just laying down next to me and having me there for him, how he missed me. We talked about the great our relationship was. I told him that I missed him too and that I missed being with him.

He started telling me about how he has been feeling really different lately, and all these things he thinks are wrong with him and we both agreed that maybe it was "lack of Amber" in his life. LOL! He told me he still loved me. He said that he just needed to get his life settled and figure his stuff out.

I told him that I didn't think that we could be "just friends" because there was too much history there and we both still had feelings for eachother. He agreed that we shouldn't hang out all the time, but occasionally would be okay. He told me he wanted me to date other guys right now, because he has been my only boyfriend and he wants me to test the waters sort of thing.

He asked me if he could kiss me, I resisted at first, but it ended up with us making out and kinda messing around, but neither one of us let it go any further. We both wanted to, but we both knew it would be a bad idea. And he showed me he respected me by not going all the way.

We talked about how everyone of our friends, and family members took the break up. He said his sister which I was pretty close with at first was okay with it, but lately when he sees her, she'll just start talking to him about me, telling him he was an idiot and how he was probably thinking about me right then. He asked me if my mom was happy, and I said she hasn't said that but she probably is, because my mom is extremely religious and only wanted me to date guys that were the same religion as I am, which my ex is not.

He told me I was perfect and that all of his friends will see some girl and be like look at that girl, and how he thinks everytime, nope, she's got nothing on Amber.

He thought I would end up being mad at him or think that he was messing with my head because we made out, but I didn't. I was glad it happened. It's nice to know that the feelings and the passion is still there between us, we've always had great chemistry.

He told me that I deserved better because he was poor white trash, with a crazy family. I told him that I have never cared about money, and I've dealt enough with his family to know how to handle them. He talked about how different we are, but I told him that yeah we are different, but we made it work for 4.5 years. He talked about how young we were and I agreed that we were young, but what difference does that make?

The whole time I could see the look on his face and I could tell that the feelings he has for me are definitely still there and he had to constantly try and keep them in check so that he wouldn't do something he would regret.

We ended the whole thing with him agreeing that he was going to try and get his stuff together, that we were going to start hanging out, and we would see what happens. I told him that I wouldn't wait on him though and that this was still a break up and that I was going to start dating some guys pretty soon. He said he understood and that's what he wanted me to do, because he may never get his stuff together. So now we are going to start hanging out as friends (yeah, right). He promised me the next time we see eachother that he won't tell me all those nice things, and that he won't try to kiss me. I don't belive him, I know him to well.

This conversation and us seeing each other has definitely bridged the gap between us. Just when I was getting scared that I would never see him again. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I'm going to go into with an open mind and know that it could be a year or two before he'll be ready to be in a relationship. I'm not going to wait for him, but I will continue to hang out with him. So that he knows that the option is always there for us.

Any thoughts or comments. I would appreciate hearing anyone's viewpoint.

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:18am
I'm only going to tell you this from the way I feel about these things. I'm glad you got to see him and things went OK. I would be careful about being friends, I have found from experience that it is a very hard thing to do, especially if you still have very strong feelings for the person. In fact, the only way I have ever been able to be friends with an ex is if a lot of time has gone by and I've had a chance to heal, and if I have met someone else. I think many people try to be friends with their exes because they feel it is too painful to not be around them and talk to them, and they are probably holding on to hope that they will get back together. The thing is, when you are friends with someone, you usually know their comings and goings, what they are doing, and who they are doing it with. That's the hardest part - when your ex starts dating another girl, are you going to be able to deal with that? Another thing is that if you guys start hanging out, one thing will probably lead to another, and that will definitely prevent you from moving on. I'm just bringing these things up so that you can protect yourself. You don't want to get yourself in a situation where you guys are hanging out, maybe fooling around a little, but you are just "friends". He would be getting what he wants, but you wouldn't be getting what you want, which is to be in an actual relationship with him again. But you sound like a smart person, so I know you will do what you feel is right for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 12:00pm
I don't know you but I am very proud of you. Not many women can actually sit down with their ex and talk (not argue but talk) I wanna be like you because I need to learn how to forgive my ex's and people in general. Isn't it good to know that there is still something there? Even though you've broken up, to know that he still loves you, it gives you hope. And now I know you're probably walkin around smiling from ear to ear and you don't even know you're doing it. Good luck with you future girl.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 2:13pm

I completely get where you are coming from. We talked about all of those things last night. I told him that I wanted a relationship from him not just a FWB thing. He agreed that we shouldn't do anything like that because he respects me too much and also doesn't want to do that unless he knows he's ready to be in a relationship with me again. We talked about me dating other guys and he told me he thinks he would be fine with it, unless he saw me out with another guy, then he said he would get jealous because as he put it, his head would be saying, "that's my girl". He talked about how he just doesn't have any desire to meet any other girls, because he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now and because he's still in love with me.

He told me I was the perfect woman, and that he wishes he could hurry up and figure things out before I was snatched up by someone else.

I'm going into this whole hanging out thing very cautiously. I don't intend for things to get out of hand, and he respects me, so I know he won't expect that from me.

I'm extremely happy we saw eachother and had that talk, because now I understand more of where he is coming from and I do now know that he does still love me. Like we agreed, we're just going to see what happens. We may not end up back together ever, or it could be 5 years from now, you never know.

Hope for the Best, but Expect the Worst.

Thanks again.

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 2:16pm

You are definitely right, I am smiling from ear to ear. My boss this morning immediately came in and was like, "last night must've went good, because you look extremely happy", I then told him everything that happened. My boss is like a father figure to me.

I am just taking it day-by-day, I do have hope, but I've had hope since we broke up. It is nice to know he still loves me and still cares about me. He also respects me and my feelings which is a great thing. He is such a great guy and if I don't end up back with him, whatever woman does snag him is one lucky lady! :).

I feel like I've crossed a major bridge in my healing process. I now know that I can move on by dating other guys casually, but I can continue to have a friendship with my ex, with the possibility of us getting back together. Its a wonderful Thing!

Thank you.

~amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 3:43pm

At this point, Amber, I don't know what to tell you. I'm on such a rollercoaster ride with mine that I don't know which way is up.

Just a general distrust of men advice though:

* Don't sleep with him at all, even for old time's sake

Hrm, guess that is it. I'm just afraid that he is coming back for sex, but you know him better than I do of course.

Just please, don't wait on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 3:53pm

He is definitely not coming back for sex. He told me that he doesn't want to have sex with me right now. He doesn't want to try and lead me on and he knows that is what he would be doing if we were to go all the way. He respects me, which means alot. He told me last night that as far as us making out again, its not going to happen. We both agreed that that was it. It brings up way too many confusing feelings for both of us.

I respect myself too much to allow that to happen anyway. We are just going to start hanging out with the understanding that we still love eachother but that right now we are just friends, and we have no obligation to one another.

I'm going into this very cautiously and if it becomes too much for me to handle, I'll tell him. We were very honest and open with one another last night. We both know that he has some stuff to figure out and he's going to try and work on it. I'm not waiting on him, and he knows this. He told me not to wait on him because he may never get his crap together. We left things on good terms, and we'll see what happens. And if we do end up back together, great, and that means we are supposed to be together. Right now we're supposed to be separated for whatever reason. I'm taking it day-by-day, and just living my life. I feel like last night's conversation helped with my healing process alot. I am now not so consumed with thoughts of him, I can really smile and genuinely mean it.

Thanks for your advice though, but don't worry about it, we're not going that far.

~amber~