Saw Him Tonight (long) - Closure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Saw Him Tonight (long) - Closure?
2
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 12:31am

This is the first time I've posted even though I've been reading since by breakup on 11/28. He broke up with me because his father passed away, his mom is sick with alzheimer's and had to be put in a nursing home, his job is bad, his business is failing, he's got too much going on with his kids, he's got so much going on he can't deal with a relationship too. The easiest thing to get rid of was me. We've been together for 6 years and he broke up with me over the phone (quite possibly one of the most horrible ways to end a relationship of that length).

I should mention that he is a huge commitmentphobe who, whenever there was the slightest argument, over the 6 years we were together, he would just walk away because it was too much work. I always ended up being the one to call him and we would then get back together. There was never a time when he called me. So this time, I was strong enough, after all of the books I read (I own just about all of them mentioned in these postings) to go through 3 months of no contact. I went to a high school hockey game tonight and he walked in (my son & his daughter go to the same high school). I was totally shocked to run into him and he was so happy to see me and gave me a big hug and kiss. He didn't even recognize me at first because I've had a major hair change and so that was a little funny.

We talked quite a while about the kids (his daughter is having issues that he had no clue about, which is not unusual since he and his ex-wife have not dealt with her issues at all in the past and I was always the one she came to) and he kept telling me that he really missed my sons and I shouldn't have told him he couldn't see them (which I did when he broke up with me because I couldn't stand to see him at my sons games, it was too painful). Anyway, I asked him if he missed me and he said he thinks about me but that we didn't seem to be doing that well the last couple of months, even though I did everything a person could possibly do to make his life easier/better while he was going through the trauma of his father's death, etc. So anyway, I said "so you think we are doing the right thing by not being together?" and he said "yeah, I do, I can't say about later but right now yeah I do". Right at that moment, the game ended, and I smiled and said "all right then, goodbye" and walked away and rejoined my friends and left without looking back. I haven't cried yet, although I think I may still be in shock.

I've kind of had the feeling all along that I've been waiting to see if he was going to call and say he realized he missed me, loved me, etc. but now I guess I know the answer. I'm not sure if that will make it easier or harder to accept the end. I still love him like crazy and I miss him so much. It got better for a while but lately has been extremely difficult (kind of a relapse) so I'm hoping that seeing him tonight will help to start moving on. I'm so hurt that he doesn't even miss me after 6 years!!!! Did I waste all of my time, did he use me to help take care of his kids? I'm so confused.

I did get to tell him tonight that the way he broke up with me was totally unacceptable, that the last 3 months have been the most painful of my life, that he made me feel like I wasted the last 6 years of my life, that the last night we talked and I asked him if he had been lying to me every night when we talked on the phone saying that he loved me and he said "I don't remember saying that" and how cruel that was. That he put everything ahead of our relationship and just gave up. I said it all very matter of factly with no crying or change in voice tone. I know from all of the reading I have done here that you are supposed to show him how well you are doing when you first see him (which I think I did by not crying and having a very unemotional conversation, no anger) but I also felt it was important to let him know that he has to take some responsibility for hurting someone pretty badly and not just let him off the hook.

I hope this gets easier now. I've been through Thanksgiving, his birthday, Christmas, New Years (which was the hardest for some reason), Valentine's Day and my birthday without him. Hopefully, seeing him tonight has started me on a healthier road to recovery with some sense of closure. Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 9:40am

Nicely done! And looking so incredibly hot that he didn't even recognize you is the icing on the cake :)

It's time to start putting this away. For the record, I personally don't believe in the idea of "closure," much less in the idea that an outside event will give that to you, such as one last conversation, one last visit, etc., but rather you are either sufficiently okay enough with something or you're not, simple as that. But I do believe that those events can help to clear a few things up and I'm glad you got to tell him your thoughts (without losing it) on the crappy way he'd handled the whole thing.

Rock on, hot mama ;)

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 8:26pm

Sandra, thanks for the response. I wanted you to know that your responses to all of the postings, as well as your own postings, I have read here have gotten me through some really rough times.

I really felt that I was doing so much better a few weeks back and I have had such a relapse the last couple of weeks that I almost didn't go to the game last night because I just had this feeling I might see him there and I wasn't sure I was ready. Since our kids are in the same high school I have done everything I could possibly do to avoid places I thought he might be because I knew I couldn't face him. It was my 16 year old son that finally said "Mom, don't let him stop you from something you want to do. Show him that you are okay and doing things." So I did, and I saw him for the first time in 3 months and then I'm out shopping with some friends today and who do we pass in the car but him driving the other way!!!! I don't see him for 3 months and then I see him 2 times in 2 days! I would rather not have seen him for another 3 months until I have healed some more!

Well, I think it's good that I saw him last night just to get it over with but I have to say that I did cry myself to sleep after so I'm not so sure. Maybe the sadness that it is really over? I just keep thinking that with all that he has going on in his life he is going to wake up and realize he made a bad decision, but then I think there is always going to be something going on in his life and if he really loved me he would want me there to help him through it!!!???

I wish I could get angry with him but I just can't. Then I feel I must be pathetic for not getting angry at him because of the way he has treated me in his whole ending of this. Breaking up with me over the phone and thinking that's okay is something that should just totally send me over the edge and get me angry so I can keep moving forward but I just keep feeling sorry for him. I know in my head that I deserve someone who treats me as well as I do them but I never seem to get that. I always put everyone first and get nothing in return. While I am trying to heal I am also trying to raise my self- esteem to a point of realizing that I deserve to be a priority in someone's life, not always coming in last.

Thanks to you Sandra and everyone on this web-site that has posted. You have made me realize that I'm not really alone and gotten me through some really late and lonely nights!