Saw something I shouldn't Have - Upset

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Saw something I shouldn't Have - Upset
8
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 10:58am

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. Been busy. Everything's been fine up until today when I saw something that literally made me nautious. I've been so good regarding getting over the whole thing with my ex. I mean, we never got back together, we were just sort of "messing around" buddies for a little bit. Then he moved out to the hamptons with 3 buddies into a house and has his new party crazy life. I'm sure a lot of you know my story. I had an std scare because of him, he's into non-stop partying (him and all his friends promote for all the clubs and bars out east), he's always with tons of girls, he's always using lots of different drugs now, etc etc etc. I know I shouldn’t even care what he's up to, since we're not now and never did start dating again, that was over 2 years ago. I don't even like this new person he's become, it really turns me off actually. But for some reason, what I saw this morning REALLY REALLY got to me. Here's what happened.

I am really good when it comes to not calling/emailing, etc. However, I do have a little problem with going to his myspace page and "checking up" on him from time to time. Well, this morning I saw a little slideshow of pictures of him partying at a club. They had little captions at the bottom like "the beautiful megan and kelly" and "the lovely laura" - all with him holding them of course. Then there was one that really was the knife through the heart for me…. One of him and a girl who I'm 99% sure is his ex, april. It says "my goddess, april". He broke up with her because she cheated on him with one of the guys who is now one of his roomates. I did a little digging and found that it is her. I'm a little hurt and also pretty livid because when we stopped talking he told me not only did he not want to be in a relationship, but he was talking to me about her and said he could never trust her again. I don’t understand it. I'm also mad at myself for letting something like this get to me, but I cant help it, it is. I'm still not even CLOSE to being back as upset as I was when all this happened, but I did take a small step backward in my recovery from him this morning. That gets me more upset than anything. It also bugs me so much that he lied to me about yet another thing (not wanting to be with anyone at all, and the fact that its her makes it even worse being that she betrayed him so badly) - especially when I never did anything at all to hurt him when we were dating and he did such mean things to me (cheating, the std thing, never paying for anything, never doing anything with me, the list goes on and on and on). Anyway, I also realized that if I really stuck to my goal and never went back on myspace again I never would've found this out and I wouldn't have anything to bother me.

Like I said, I'm not even CLOSE to being as upset as I used to be. I mean, it is bothering me, but not to the point where I would actually call, email, text or anything like that. I mean, for a MINUTE I got SO mad that I thought of texting him to ball him out but then I realized that if I did that he would realize that I've been "checking up" and then he would know that this bothers me and think that I want him back, or have feelings for him, or maybe that I'm some crazy stalker, or whatever else he might think.

Anyway, I just came here because it's never failed to make me see things clearer again and understand why this is wrong for me, etc. I'm hoping you guys can do that for me again.

~Jacki

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 11:14am

What happened to get you started on checking myspace again? You need to figure out what the trigger was and figure out a way to deal with it so that you can be ready and not slip again for the same reason next time.

In any event, you know the best thing to do for yourself...stop looking. Start now and take it one day at a time again. If you stop looking, the stuff you found out today will fade and it will just be a small setback.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 11:27am
I have no idea what the trigger was that made me do it. I guess I never really stopped completely. To be honest, i've been doing it here and there this whole time, its just that I got over things enough where nothing he did or I saw even bothered me. Just seeing that he actually got back together with this girl that he claimed to hate and after he told me he didnt plan on seriously dating anyone again for a very long time, that he was happy with his new partying free lifestyle and he didnt want anything to get in the way of that (and ESPECIALLY the fact that the guy she cheated with is now living with him) - I mean, for some reason that got to me. I know I have to REALLY stop looking. I dont know what it is in me that is making me have that need to see what he is up to. Especially when I am disgusted by him now after what he put me through JUST HEALTHWISE, let alone everything else. He has hpv and god knows what else, and he doesnt practice safe sex, so he is very selfish and stupid. This makes me sick. I know I have to stop this. Like I said, my own behaviours are bothering me more than anything I think.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 12:27pm

Ok...so stop!! I know you're probably thinking, well, it's not that simple...but it really is ;-). You simply have to make the decision to stop, and stick to it, one day at a time. It's that simple, but of course it's far from easy...that's why I find saying things like, "not today", committing to friends/my counselor that I won't do the behavior for X days, marking off "successful" days on my calendar (I'm up to 13 consecutive days now that I haven't contacted my own addictive fling guy), things like that.

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 3:40pm
northwestwanderer, I really have to admire your posts. I've been following them on several boards; but I have to ask...don't you ever feel upset, insecure, uncertain, just plain down on life? Your posts are wonderful...wish I could be more like you...
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 4:15pm

Oh, heck yes, sure I do!!! Perhaps you weren't on this board back in November/December when I was dealing with my ex disappearing on me after a 1.5 year relationship...believe me, I had plenty of bad days!

And even this little fling being over (found out he had a gf, contrary to his claims that he didn't "do" relationships...well, turns out he does them alright, just not with ME!) threw me for a loop. But at the end of the day, what is going to get me through is following what I know works...and that's having no contact. I can cry and vent all I want (and believe me, I have--my ego did NOT like him choosing someone else ;-)!) but unless and until I was willing to take the step of committing to not contacting him, I wasn't going to be able to move on (he would have been happy to continue to cheat on his gf with me--lovely, eh?).

So yes...it absolutely human and necessary to vent, have bad days, feel insecure, get your feelings out...but eventually (IMO) you need to decide if you're going to stay stuck, or do what is necessary to move forward. I am not immune to that in the least...but for better or worse, I've gone through enough breakups and heartbreaks that I know what it takes to move on. I'm not sure it makes it any easier, per se, but at least I know I will get through it becaues I've done it before. And that's what I hope to impart here...some hope that each poster WILL get to the other side of heartbreak.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 6:28pm

Ok, normally I don't like to call names, but seriously..... what kind of loser moves in with the guy who his girlfriend cheated on him with?

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 8:20pm
Hey J
I had to respond to your post since this place has been my safe haven for the past 2 months & I've received so much help from everyone here....
STOP CHECKING! This is coming from me, a person who swears she has major OCD when it comes to checking things especially things our ex's did. When my ex left & shattered my dreams of our relationship PLUS left MANY unfufilled promises. I obsessivly reread his e-mails & texts promising me the world only to get sadder by the moment. Then alas, I stumbled onto his personal ads a few days ago, one for dating & one strictly sex. I must have checked that sucker 10 times when I saw it, reading his profiles over & over since I couldn't believe what I saw. The more times I read it, the angrier I got hence when I'm still pretty po'd now. But today was a new day, I deleted everything & have't looked at anything to do with him... I look forward to days 2-eternity! So please don't get all OCD like me & don't even look at his myspace page if it'll stur up some unpleasant feelings that you're feeling now. You've had quite some time pass since you broke so I'm curious why this would effect you now? Do you think you still have feelings for him? Do you feel hurt since he holds that chick on a high horse on his page although she wasn't good to him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 2:01pm

First off, you don't deserve to be so upset over anyone, least of all him.
Now, I have to ask the obvious, why are you continuing to check this site when you KNOW he will be pictured with other women?? You know without a doubt that he will... Are you thinking that one day he might put a pic with YOU in it?

I don't mean to be harsh, but perhaps it's the only way to get it through to you.

You keep putting yourself through the same situation. You say that you're better, you check the site and ... surprise?? he is with someone who makes you depressed??? Seriously, dear, you don't need this stress. You really don't

Not only that, but the energy and time that you are wasting on this useless exercise is keeping you from healing, loving yourself, and finding a new man who will actually respect and love you (only you). This will only happen when you STOP with the Myspace.

Please see about putting a LARGE sign on your computer saying "MySpace will only hurt me. I will only see him with other girls. There are better things to do with my life."
And get this site added to you block list. TODAY... Seriously.

I hope that you can get over this. It's not easy. I see my ex every now and then and know that he's dating but I am getting through it and so will you. When you allow yourself to.

My wishes,
M