Scared to take the step of ending it

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Scared to take the step of ending it
5
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 8:48am
OH god I don't even know what I want to say any more. I am completely defeated and completely exhausted on this 14 year relationship of mine but I can't take it any longer I have to get out....I am so tired of going to bed alone while he emails his online "girl" friends every night til about 4:30 am I just can't do it any more! People say to leave or tell him to leave but how do you finally make that step...I have hoped for 3 years he would just take the step and leave but he hasn't and why should he if I allow all that I allow. I hate this I hate my life and I am really starting to hate him...I have no happy thoughts or feelings anymore I am completely consumed in unhappiness!! Why haven't I just come right out and told him it's over? why do i wait like this? Perhaps it's the 3 and 4 yr old girls I have and the damn pregnancy I discovered when I was like past my first trimester, that couldn't have happened at a worse time..oh my god I wish my mom was still alive to help me out and I really wish he wasn't such a jerk to everyone around me or I would have a friend to talk to, but no I am stuck in my home being a mom and wife and completely unappreciated!! And feeling very very lonely....
Thanks for listening I just need to vent every once in a while!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 12:05pm

Sending big hugs your way...

You need to give yourself more credit: you are stronger than you think. Don't blame yourself for not leaving sooner, or hanging on when he continues behavior you don't like. Do something powerful for yourself and let go. I'm not sure *technically* how to go about this (do you live together? married? not sure of the situation), but just know it is possible.

You know deep down you do not want to live this way, unhappy for more years. You'll lose your sense of self, your self worth! I say this because I was in your shoes months ago. I was so afraid to break off a relationship with my boyfriend... I was scared of the unknown. But yet I was unhappy. I felt like I was in a relationship with a brick wall- I was not getting a response from him, I felt so alone. I had a therapist help me with this, the letting go. Yes, it sucks. I cried every day. But I kept reminding myself it is the right thing to do, it will be better in the long run, he is controlling this relationship and being selfish and does not give a d*mn about my feelings. I knew it had to be done, even if I was the one to pay the emotional price.

So stand strong and know we're all here for you. To be cliche, life is short... don't waste it away feeling like this. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 12:47am

I'm not sure just what your living situation is, but if you really want to end the relationship, perhaps you should just tell him. If you own a house, perhaps arrangements could be made for you to stay and he could pay support to you and the children. If it's a rental, then he will still have to pay support. He should be the one to leave because you don't want to upset the children's routine anymore than possible. If it's possible don't let the children hear or see you fighting.

I lived with an alcoholic husband for 20 years and my daughters got alot of abusive from him including me. It was all mental, emotional and verbal abuse but he was vivious when he was upset about something. The day he left, all the stress in my body left - no pain. Of course, I was very sad and hurt but live's funny, you go on. You sound so desperate, my heart can feel your pain and disillusionment. Make a list of what he should take with him, contact a lawyer (you want the kids!). If you decide to leave - take the children with you! DO NOT leave them behind. Good luck my dear.

Mary-Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 11:30am

I want to comment on what stood out to my above everything else in your message.....the 3 and 4 year old little girls. What you describe is similar to what my mother lived with for 26 years with my father. She stuck it out for the sake of her little girls.

Your situation has to be depressing and you say that you are "unhappy", but for your girls, rise above those feelings and do what you need to do. Either work on fixing the relationship with their father or get out. Don't let your girls grow up thinking that's all a woman is worth to a man.....and repeat the same cycle.

Flash forward 20 years: What would you tell your daughter to do if you were advising her on a relationship identicle to what you describe as your own?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 4:29pm
HI everyone thanks for responding to my note. I know I need to leave but have no idea what when or how I will do this! I am not even sure if I am even posting what is allowed to be posted I just got no one to turn to. I live in a large city and know absolutely no one I had to move from old city cause so many people hated my husband that they didnt want to be my friend anymore. I have lost both my parents in the last 3 yrs. oh geez as a matter of fact it will 3 years tommorrow for the death of my mom and we were closer then close...wow 3 years and I miss her just as much today if not more wow....I think I just need to find a more appropiate place to write my feelings cause I think I might be bringing some people down and god I dont want anyone else feeling as lost empty and unhappy as I have for the last little while....I got barrated by him again today at the top of his lungs like usual, I ushered my little girls to the basement to try to hide some of it but I just ache in my chest and throat I can't describe it so the 4 of us have pretty much walked around here for the last 2-3 hours not talking to anyone and staying in individual rooms apart from one another...the girls well the younger one keeps popping into where i am just to say I love you mom and my older one (by 13 months) just hates hearing him yell and has secluded herself on her computer in the basement for a while...me I have been cleaning crying and stopping to watch a little dr. phil LOL (boy he'd straighten Rob out thats for sure).... all this and 7 months pregnant how fun....well thanks again for reading and letting me try to vent!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 9:05pm

Honey, I'm sorry you're feeling so very alone in this.

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