The second time around still hurts

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
The second time around still hurts
4
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 8:31pm

Maybe I'm just venting, here, but it seems like a good place to do it.

After a terrible ending to our relationship the first time, my boyfriend (ex, now) worked really hard to convince me to reconcile and give our relationship another chance. After less than 3 months, he broke it off.

Yes, it was stressful, me trying to overcome a fair amount of animosity from the first time around, and him trying to get his act together in a new town (he moved to where I live).

He's 23 and I'm 40. Two weeks ago, he decided that he would rather spend his time hanging out with the (young, single) guys that he works with than working our relationship. He had determined that he couldn't do both. (Whatever.) Also, suddenly, out of nowhere, for the first time in the entire almost 2 years that we've known each other, he decided that there were issues with the age difference. Personally, I think this second item was a cop-out.

Now, I'm stuck living in a small town where I'm bound to bump into him, although less in the winter (while people are holed up, away from the snow). Come summertime, I can't imagine that I won't be seeing him in common 'fun' places, like the beach and other outdoor gathering areas. The agreement was that if things didn't work out, that he would leave but he says that he likes it here and he likes his 'new friends'. He says he's saving money to move but I'm not really convinced.

Anyway, he's broken my heart for the second time, and, man, it hurts. Again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 3:33am
i can understand your pains....i was dating someone 15 years my junior for 3 years..things were rocky the third year..seemed like everything i tried to do the right way and was never enough ..he promised me false hopes..finally i had enough ..its been 8 months since i broke it off...he lives not far from me..i ran into him about 3 weeks ago and i just kept walking.....as many people saying here the only way to move on is NC and accept its over ..trust me ..time is the answer to heal any brokenhearts..we are only human if we at times missed the person we were with at one time but we women are stronger than men..just keep moving on ..continue to do the things we like to do and make ourself happy....coming on here really helped me a lot .hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 8:48am

Hi sciencegoddess!

PG understands the emotional misery you're going through.......simply because, HE has been there too!

I've never believed that age should be the only reason a relationship unravels (although I know a few ivillagers who will disagree with me on this)? There's usually other stuff that one or both partners feel they can't handle...but using the "our ages aren't compatible" excuse is an easier way to dissolve things?

Just because you live in the same town and are likely to bump into people who know you both...shouldn't be an excuse to "hibernate year round?" Use your charm, personality, and your desire for a lasting relationship in a different direction? If you don't expect an "instant replacement" for the man you devoted the past 2 years to...and approach each new (potential) partner AS A FRIEND....I'll bet you'll be considerably happier by the end of the year?

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 4:40pm
Hi Science - I'm actually too embarrassed to even say how many times my ex-fiance and I broke-up and got back together...it was A LOT and it's funny because you think it would be easier after going through it once but it's NOT at all. I'm 41 myself and my ex was 43 with 3 kids and an ex wife. Your post opened my eyes to a whole world of younger men. Maybe we need to find the ones in between the hanging out with friends stage and the divorced with emotional scars. Although there are probably young ones out there that are just as ready as the older ones to commit. Sorry, I'm starting to ramble. I'm sorry for your pain and I hope your heart heals soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 8:25pm

Broken: Thanks for the encouragement. We have the same attitude. The man has painted himself with invisible paint. I spoke to him last Thursday (a week and a half since we parted) because I wanted to clear the air on a few things, not work things out or anything like that. Of course, it didn't work; I think that closure is a myth. I have no intention of contacting him again or stopping to talk if I see him in public. He's broken my heart twice. In doing so the second time, he ruined any possibility of us ever becoming friends. There was a time, prior to our reconciliation, that I got to the point where I thought I might be able to be his friend. No longer. Like I said, invisible paint.

PG, thank you for the kind words. I am in no hurry to replace this man. I'm trying not to hibernate ALL the time. :) You're right. It's tough to dazzle the world from inside my living room. *laugh* What you suggest, is what I did last summer while we were apart. I met a few nice male friends but no one that sparked my heart. Still, I had fun and like I said, met some nice people. It will happen in time. I'm in no rush.

KA, dating someone 17 years younger than I am certainly wasn't intentional, at least not the first time around. I had my concerns the second time around but he really worked on me, you know? I'm not so sure it's all age-related, although some of it probably is. But I dated someone 7 years older than me for 5 years. At 44, he still wasn't ready to commit, to me or to anyone.

I love this man with all my heart. I love him in a way that I've only felt one other time in my life. Regardless, he has proven that he cannot be trusted, in more ways than one. He has some problems that he knows he needs to deal with and has said so very bluntly, but he's not taking any steps to deal with them. I can't force him to do it and I'm not going to try and force him to do it. This never works. People deal with their personal issues when they're ready.

I'm ready to deal with this one, one day at a time.