Seeing him tomorrow - update

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Seeing him tomorrow - update
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 7:56pm
First, I just want to thank everyone for their advice.. I had a feeling you'd say that I shouldn't even go! :) Well, I did go through with it and we had lunch this afternoon. (Sorry, I couldn't bring myself not to go when he was willing!) We spent about 1 1/2 hours together. It did stir up some emotions that I would have liked to have avoided but I don't think I regret it. We talked about things that we've been up to and what we're going to be doing in the next couple of months (I'm leaving for the army and won't be back until July). It was both extremely difficult but also a little bit of a relief. I had to hear about his new gf which I wish he would have left out but he didn't gush about their life together too much so it wasn't TOO bad. At one point he was telling me a story and I realized that after like 5 min I hadn't even heard a word he'd said and spent the time as an excuse to just watch him and reminisce about the past in my mind. It was so difficult not to beg him to take me back but I know that would only set things back further. So, what did I find to be relieving about it? Well, we didn't argue. I may have made a couple cheap side remarks about what he did but nothing too direct. Overall, we had a good time. Of course, it wasn't exactly what I wanted.. I had hoped he would realize the mistake he made and beg me not leave and we'd go home to the house we had and everything would be back to normal. Perhaps too optimistic? :) But.. I know I won't see him for quite a while so maybe that'll give us the space we need.. hopefully it'll be what brings us back together. I know, I know.. we'd still be together if it weren't meant to be. I just don't know if I believe that. He just feels so deeply rooted inside me that I can't see going the rest of my life without him. I hope he feels that way too. I fear that we'll never be anything more than friends again and I'm not sure how to deal with that. I wish I could see into the future to know whether or not we'd be together again someday so I knew where to devote my energy. I'm just not convinced yet that I should be putting all my energy into getting over him. Anyways.. I went off on a little bit of a tangent there. I guess my point was this.. NC helps with healing but sometimes, if it's possible, a last 'good time' (nothing romantic/sexual) as friends can bring some closure. Getting used to being 'friends' stings really bad when I want so much more and he doesn't. But, I think today was a good thing.. it hurt me inside but I realized that I not only love him as a boyfriend but as a friend as well and if I'm ever to expect him to want me the way that I want him again in the future that it's important to embrace him for him and not just for the sake of a companion.