Seeing a pattern
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| Wed, 12-20-2006 - 10:07pm |
I seem to have a relationship pattern and wondered if anyone else is like this. Most of my relationships last about 2 years. The first few months are great, but toward the end of the 1st year I start questioning if this is really the person I want to be with. Then I spend another year bouncing back and forth between wanting to end it and wanting to make it work. It's hard to end it because it's gone on for so long and we are both so attached, but it's not moving forward, either. I have had 3 relationships like this. In addition, I have had 2 marriages that I wanted to end long before they did. I initiated all of the breakups except one (including the marriages), but in all cases there had been a separation or distance beforehand.
After my last divorce I stayed away from relationships for about 4 years partly because I didn't want to get into another situation like that. I finally got involved with someone and the exact same thing happened. I knew for months that I needed to end it but just couldn't figure out how. We took a personality test at work and one of the characteristics of my personality type is difficulty leaving bad relationships. Am I destined to just keep repeating this cycle?

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That book might be a very good one for you to take a look through.
Much of that does sound familiar, but I think what really happens to me is that I fall in love too soon and maybe for the wrong reasons. After a while I start to realize that this is the wrong person for me but don't trust my own instincts enough to make a firm decision to end it. Where most people would struggle to come to decision, make one and then act, I flounder back and forth about what to do/how to do it. For me, breaking up is literally hard (almost impossible) to do.
I will check into that book. Thanks
Oh yeah, I left out probably the most telling part:
Some of that makes sense, but in all fairness, EVERYONE loves the warm-fuzzies of a new relationship. And I think we all tend to downplay red flags in the beginning. It's not that I don't see them, I just want to give the relationship a fair chance and they don't seem so bad compared to the good things.
So, is this book saying that these relationships were really ok and the problem was just my fear of commitment?
PMFJI, but no, that's not it, exactly. It's that because you have a fear of commitment, you STAY in those relationships because they are "safe" in a way. You know they aren't going to work, but that works for you because on some level, you don't really want to be in a good, healthy relationship where true commitment is a possibility.
I think it'll become clearer once you read the book, which is helpful even if you *don't* have commitment issues because it gives you a really good list of things to watch out for early on, and how to handle those red flags.
Sheri
Two Dates or Less: How to Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing by Neil Clark Warren
Carrie
You're absolutely right, everyone does love the warm fuzzies of a new relationship.
No, I think what I do is overlook the red flags too easily early on. I know they are there but I get caught up in the excitement of the romance and want to focus on what's good. My instincts tell me that the person is wrong for me, but I want to make sure I'm not just being "too picky".
I have tried to make all my relationships work because I didn't want to be single again, didin't want to hurt the other person, didn't want to have a failed marriage, and a whole host of other reasons. My problem is that when I realize they aren't going to work, I just lack the strength and courage to get out.
I do not think that I have commitment issues as much as I just pick the wrong people. I have, however, ordered the book because I feel it may help me learn how to keep from making the same mistake again.
Thanks for the input.
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