seeking advice - let it rip

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2005
seeking advice - let it rip
9
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 2:57pm

I broke the rule - never dip your pen in company ink.
Well since I made this mistake twice it caught up to me. The first was 8 years ago. It was one of those things, no relationship, just a fling. #2 8 yrs later, we're not out in the open about it, infact we both don't / diddn't want anyone to know we are in a relationship. Well #1 found it necessary to tell him one of our sexcapades while at work, he didn't use names but still. #2 can't deal with it. Sent me an email with the story that was told and asked if I could fill in the names. I knew he was hurt hearing this. I want to tell #1 look, you're married now leave the past alone and STFU and quit telling stories that come back to haunt me.
I tried to tell #2 that wasn't the case and it was so long ago. He said this is what i have to endure since people don't know about us and I can't take it. Of course he wants to be friends and hopes one day I will want to talk to him like we used to. I told him I don't know if thats possible. truth be told all i want to do is talk to him, but I know that is so not the thing to do.

I totally agree with the no contact, but unfortunately we will have contact. I called in sick 2 days to avoid him. We did talk on the phone to no avail. Besides who can go to work aftering being dumped crying and stuff?

The advice I am seeking is how to deal with this work place contact. It is impossible for me not hear from him in a professional way. Its going to rip me apart and Im afraid I am going to lash out, & sit there all day and wish for me to talk to him at the same time dreading it.
i put in my response to another post I am going to be in the same class as him tomorrow. i am going to put my best foot forward and see what happens. I wish i knew which was my best foot!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 3:27pm
Hugs to you hon. I am about to go through the same thing. :( I have been dating a guy I work with for a year and a half now (!) and we are about to break up..its inevitable. I know it was wrong to date someone from work but this will be my first and last time. Plus our office is TINY and I know its going to be really, reallly hard to deal with. Let's keep in touch maybe we can help each other through these next stressful months ahead.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 4:09pm

deal & thanks!
i just got off the treadmill for a 1 mile 1/2 and feel like crawling into bed. so much for those endorphins (or however u spell it).
my eyes watered while i was doing the post stretching.
argh.
i know i need to eat but so don't even have an appetite.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 5:35pm
Hi there...first, thanks so much for your response to my post earlier today. It sounds like we have a lot in common...I was born in 64, I'll be 41 in Nov and totally are with you in feeling like there's someone out there for everyone being a bunch of hooey at this point. I think I may have rebounded from this much better in my 20's or early 30's but it just seems like it gets harder to meet men at our age. I have never been married or had kids either and feel panic that I'll grow old alone now. I digressed, sorry : ( Back to you now...I like that saying "the best revenge is living well"...I personally haven't been able to do it since my break up but maybe in your situation you can "fake it 'til you make it tomorrow"! Hold your head up and go in with confidence, I guarantee it'll drive him crazy that you're not sad and shaken. It sounds like you're getting sleep which is good, but please take care of yourself by eating. I know you don't feel like it and the food doesn't really have much taste no matter what it is, but you need to take care of yourself. Best of luck tomorrow and let us know how it goes... hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 6:09pm

Sorry to hear about what happened. But I'm confused.
Are you saying that guy #1 attempted to sabotage your relationship with guy #2 even eight years after the fact???? That's so bogus. What is that loser thinking? Has he nothing better to do with himself besides purposely and hatefully destroy someone else's relationship? Do you consider this fool a friend? Sorry, just had to get that out.
But I'm not done. Did you go on to say that the new guy broke up with you because he didn't like the idea that EIGHT years ago you slept with someone he knows? Okay, I guess I could see his reasoning IF HE HAD EVER ASKED YOU IF YOU HAD BEEN INTIMATE WITH THAT MAN AND YOU HAD LIED AND SAID 'NO'. If that was the case, I could see his legitimate reason for not wanting to be with you. However, if it has to do with the fact that he just can't handle knowing you slept with another man, that's pretty bogus too. Is he a virgin? Does he expect you to be at 40 years old?
I'm so sorry but who are these two men and where do you work so I know not to date any of the men there? (just kidding, don't answer that).

I can totally relate to your not feeling like you will find someone at your age. Don't forget, though, that many of those people who jumped into marriage in their early twenties are on their way to divorce (or already have been at least once) by the time they are your age. So, oftentimes the grass is always greener. Those who have kids long for their singehood again and those who haven't wish they could. It goes back and forth. YOu are so not alone and I hope this message board gives you that at least. And I'm not sure if you've noticed but there is a much more growing acceptance these days of older women with younger men. ANother inequality that has plagued us for years. Don't assume you have to only be with the 40 or 50 somethings anymore. Take care of your body and your spirit and you'll attract the right men of all ages.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 6:37pm

sorry for the confusion.
#1 has no idea about #2. #1 was just telling a sex story and it happened to be about something we did 8 yrs ago. #2 knew it was me cuz of the circumstances behdind it and what not. #1 didn't use any names and was just bragging that he had a good story to tell.

#2 - he knew I was with someone at work b4 and I wouldn't name names and told him it was years ago and we're still friendly towards each other but he guessed it was #1, although I still never admitted to it, til now of course when he flat out asked me. So i never lied to him. Exactly what does he expect at 40? Ive worked there for 15 years, it happens.

I am feeling like I don't want to keep going thru this crap over and over and over. Is it really worth it?
Some how after hearing you're someones best friend and their life's lil pleasure, believing it and then realizing it just isnt' the case doesn't make me want to get my feet wet again. But I know somewhere some how it will happen again by chance like it always does, but I just need to make sure I don't go down the same road. Now getting to that point - ha!

ka1964 - im not sure why i am able to sleep, but as soon as I start crying, I start yawning and then out i go. Maybe being wrapped up in 3 blankets on the couch helps. I know Im not sleeping more than 4 hours at a time.

thanks everyone and keep em coming!

(edited for a time frame) - this was a 10 month relationship. not too long but not that short either.




Edited 6/6/2005 6:41 pm ET ET by bummer05
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 10:37am
Yeah, my appetite is gone, good thing in a way as I'm losing weight over this. Last night he said he would call me later and that he was going to hang out with a friend. Never called. I was jelly legs getting out of bed this morning. I actually turned my phone off last night so I could get some sleep. Luckily he's on vacation from work and I have the next few days booked with activities but...anyway here goes. Day one right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 5:01pm

well - it couldn't have gone worse. i said hi, he smiled and basically turned his back on me. he sat alone on the other side of the room where the rest of us from our dept sat together. my friend said well look at it this way, he is over there alone and you are here surrounded by friends.

i tried to email you but you don't have that checked. i do so feel free.
yup one day at a time - tooey.

ive cried 4x and am now on my way to work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 8:55pm

well, first, don't hook up with co-workers anymore. second, i'd start looking for another job. drama in the work place should be confined to the gossip about american idol and what's her name's shoes around the water cooler - not you're sexcapades coming to haunt you along with uncomfortable post-break-up encounters.

basically, learn your lesson and move on. you made a poor business decision, so now as a business oriented gal, accept your defeat and move on...unless, the miraculously get fired or quit before you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2005
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 6:25pm

Thank you for your reply.
Just up and quit my job and find another after being there for 15 yrs, interesting theory but not exactly plausible.