Self loathing sets in

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Self loathing sets in
15
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 11:12am

I feel so used now. I now realize that this guy used me for two years! I read a few chapters of "He's just not that into you" and I now know that when a guy SAYS he doesn't want a relationship it MEANS he doesn't want one with YOU! I thought I knew that, but this guy was calling me every hour on the hour and seeing me every day. Jeez we even lived together and whenever he even ran errands he took me with him!! He wouldn't let me out of his sight for god's sake!

How was I supposed to know that he didn't want a "future" or a real relationship with me. He acted like he couldn't get enough of me!! There was even a close friend of ours that told him if he wasn't really into me he should leave me alone and date others, and he said he knew that but he didn't want me to get away. He wanted to be able to experience me for as long as it suited him and then go on his way. he didn't want to "pass me up" even though he knew I wasn't the ONE.

I can't believe I wasted my time and my heart on him. I feel like killing him. I want to strangle him now. I feel sick. Can someone tell me who are these men that think the world owes them everything. How can men be so selfish and callous? Who are the women who are raising these originally innocent little boys into selfish men and why are there so many of them? Mothers need to really not let their little sons walk all over them and spoil them. I have a feeling that it is the mothers who are unknowingly teaching these men to be grown up self important brats.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 11:24am
Oh and I should add that he continually told me that not wanting a relationship had nothing to do with me and that I would make an excellent girlfriend AND that I wasn't wasting my time.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 11:36am

I hope you will forgive yourself for making a mistake...you're human and it happens! There's no need to be so hard on yourself...learn from it and move on. Next time, keep in mind the caveat to that old adage, actions speak louder than words. In a dating context, it should read, "actions speak louder than words, EXCEPT when the words are something you don't want to hear, then you need to pay attention to the words." In other words, once he said he didn't want a relationship, it was up to you to end things if you did, despite how he was behaving.

But that's all water under the bridge at this point. Forgive yourself, and learn the lesson. And just because you were right for THIS guy, does NOT mean there is anything "wrong" with you!!!! You just weren't a match.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 12:21pm

I was in a situation like that too, he said everything right when we were together and I believed it all. Its not that you wasted your time, you just believed what he was saying to you and why would you not. here he was wanting you in his life and I am sure you wanted to be in his. you cared for this man so of course you will stay with him because that was what you wanted.

Sometmes i think these men or women do want that, like he did want to spend time with you but then they realize that its not right or not enough. I am sure he cared for you in his own way maybe it was because he did have fun with you and the idea of you like eh said he didnt want you to go away was what he wanted for himself but for some reason he couldn't make himself want that "type" relationship like a serious one or committed one. I hope that makes sense.

I get upset too, I have a post out there right now. But, I just have to tell myself and you do too that it was an experince its part of life and enjoy what you did have then what you didn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 5:53pm

"Who are the women who are raising these originally innocent little boys into selfish men and why are there so many of them? Mothers need to really not let their little sons walk all over them and spoil them."

Please tell me that you know that the fathers carry equal responsibility!? Sometimes I get thinking it is unecessary for men to keep women in subservient positions in society. The WOMEN are so busy doing it to each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 10:02am

Of course fathers play a role but I am interested in how little boys see the first woman in their life and then relate to all other women after that. It is the mother who teaches the little boy how to relate to women. if a boy doesn't respect his mother and gets away with everything in her eyes then he will see all women this way.

I am definately all for sisterhood don't worry :) I hate these men but where do we as women teach them that they can get away with treating us like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 12:54pm

Bogigian, I'm sorry for your pain. I know you had all ideas that this relationship was going somewhere, and too late you know now that it isn't. I know not all people are very good with being upfront with their intentions and don't handle situations perfectly. But what did you talk about in the begining as your expectations? Don't people date to figure out if they are going to work, and breakups are bound to happen when one person decides that this isn't it. The other is heartbroken and their dreams crushed if they were into it. But can't people change their minds? Have you ever broke someones heart? I have and I learned that if you know they are not "it" , even though you care about the person, and even enjoy their company, you can't change how you feel. I stayed for awhile trying hard to make it be there, and in the end it wasn't. Should I have ended it as soon as I saw a bump? I thought it would work too, but as time went on, it was time for me to move on. He was so heartbroken and I'm sure he thought I planned this to hurt him, or was heartless, or why did I wait to tell him, but thats what dating is, like trying on clothes. I'm not giving your ex an excuse but did you read that book all the way thru? It hurts, but he just wasn't that into it. Please, I'm not trying to sound insensitive at all, I'm just being realistic.

And to add, I'm a single mom of a little guy, and I hope he grows up to be a perfect gentleman and treats women with utmost respect, but I'm sure as cute as he is, he will break hearts and in turn have his heart broken. I hope the girls he breaks up with don't in turn blame me because they just weren't "the one" for my son.
I understand you are angry and your heart needs to heal, but do you really feel used for the last two years? Didn't you enjoy him and the time and learn about yourself? Don't you have good memories and some funny moments to remember? It's sad that you wanted to make it work and he didn't , but all is not lost. There IS someone else out there who will be the one. Hang in there, good luck with your healing,

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 5:58pm
You learned a lot, it was not wasted time. Don't be so hard on yourself. Treat yourself with kindness.


Edited 9/21/2005 5:59 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 3:02am
OH MY GOD!!! I feel like im reading my relationship its horrible you made me cry i know who the heck do they think they are...now the thing that bothers me is to this day he says he loves me and he always will and always has but doesn't want the kind of relatoinship that i want with him with me....if that made any sense....thats when i realized it was completely over and i should move on!!! i feel for you.....but THANK YOU for putting what i wanted to put down in black and white...wow...that empowered me to realize that....:) thank you thank you thank you! -Christine
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 1:34pm

I thank you for your kind words but it actually wasn't as simple as him "just not being into me" I understand that relationships aren't always a right match I can deal with that. I'm asking about the guys who lie to you and cheat on you, as he did. And the guys who tell you that you would make the perfect girlfriend but continue to monopolize your time EVERY single day and don't leave you alone so you CAN find someone who's "into you"

This guy wasn't "trying on clothes" with me. He liked the outfit, but he was greedy and wanted to take it home while not paying for it and also try on other clothes. At least put me back on the hanger if you KNOW you're not intersted that's the honorable thing to do. >:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 3:51pm
It was up to you to leave. It is not his job to teach you he is not the one. Didn't you want to end it? For me, I knew mine was not the one and I stalled trying to leave but was too weak.

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