Self Realization....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Self Realization....
8
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:37pm
I am wondering if any of you out there going through the post break up blues can relate. I have gotten to the point of acceptance I think, although it still hurts like bloody hell, I find myself giving up hope or the idea that we will ever be together again. In fact, its almost like I don't want to get back with him. I still miss him and think about him 4,000 times a day, but it almost lends some relief to have found acceptance. Is this normal? It has only been a month and almost a week. If anyone out there has gone through this phase will you please share your feelings? Is this a positive step in healing? What comes next? I know everyone grieves differently, but any advice would certainly be helpful.

I hope you are all having a good day : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 2:03pm
Well, you're right when you say that everybody grieves differently. It's been over 4 months for me and I still think of him daily, etc. But I know how you feel about learning to accept that you won't be with him again...I know that my ex and I have no chance of getting back together, especially since he has a new girlfriend. It's been really hard accepting that, probably because we haven't exactly been following the "no-contact" rule. But I'm slowly letting go of any hope that things could work out between us.

I'm so glad that you've managed to find some acceptance--I think that's a really positive step to healing. I do think it's normal...I don't really feel like there's a "set time" by which you should be over an ex. As for what comes next, I'm not really sure...I haven't quite reached that point yet. And if you've read any of my other posts, it's obvious that I still have my bad days. But it seems as the days go by, I feel better and better...maybe time really does heal all wounds...

All I can say is that no-contact really does help. I made the mistake of trying to become friends with him right after the breakup...I just wasn't ready to let him out of my life completely. And I'll admit that there are still tons of times when I just want to say hi, talk to him, see how he's doing...but thankfully, this discussion board has helped me a lot. I'm starting to realize that having no-contact really is the best way to go. I need time to get over him...and if he doesn't respect me enough to give me that time, then he isn't worth knowing. Plus, let me tell you...the feeling you get when he tries to contact you and you don't respond is amazing! I feel so strong and powerful...because the ball is once again in my court. I experienced enough pain everytime he ignored my attempts to contact him. I hope he knows how it feels...it's only been a little over a week since I stopped, but he's already sent me two messages :b Too bad for him--it's truly his loss now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 2:23pm
Thank you for the input. I agree no contact is the only way. We tried to still "hang out" for a while after the break up, but I just couldn't do it anymore, waiting for him to call...wondering why he didn't call etc. He hasn't even tried to contact me nor me him. It would be kind of nice to see that he had called, although I wouldn't call him back, it would be a good feeling to know that he still thinks of me and cares. So by me accepting that I will never see or talk to him again, although devastating, it really helps me to cope. 4 months is a long time! I hope by then I have moved on, although I know I will always love him and care about him, but in 4 months I hope that at least the pain will be GONE!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 3:18pm
Yes, 4 months is a long time...and I'm kicking myself right now wondering why I've wasted my time moping over him. Of course, it's easier said than done...getting over someone is always rough. I know what you mean about how it'd be nice to know that your ex still thinks of you...but honestly, I think you're better off. And even if he did attempt to contact you, it wouldn't necessarily mean that he cared.

My ex has contacted me at the most random times...I figure he's either drunk or just really bored, and of course he doesn't want me to be able to forget him. I used to think that he was trying to be nice and to be my friend...but I've slowly come to realize that he really doesn't care. He'll say things (like how he cares/wants to come see me, etc) and never actually follows through on them. It's becoming pretty obvious that he's just all talk and no action...and I don't need that type of person in my life. It's truly unhealthy.

I still enjoy when he tries to contact me...mainly because I'm glad he hasn't been able to forget me :b But I'm getting ready to tell him to stop...because there's no point. We aren't friends and won't ever be...and the way he's treated me has caused me to start believing that I don't even want to know him. So you see, you may think now that you will always care/love him (and perhaps you will)...but you never know. I used to think that I'd always be able to see the good in my ex...but as time goes by, I can't remember half of the reasons why I loved him so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 3:56pm
It's interesting you wrote this. When I logged on I was going to write something similar. I wanted people still in the most soul-wrenching days and weeks of their break-up to know that relief will come in time. It's been a month since I caught my live-in boyfriend of two years lying on our couch with his arms and legs around another woman. I trusted him completely. It felt like being in a train wreck. In addition to destroying an enjoyable and fulfilling relationship for both of us, he obliterated my trust in men for future relationships. Although I will try hard not to carry that baggage into my next love, the suspicions and fear of being deceived will be there.

Yes, it still hurts immensely, but I find myself in a kind of limbo or gray area. The scenes of our lives together still play in my head, but they're more like watching an old film instead of real people. I'm also more accepting of the idea that he's really gone, there will be no reconcilliation. Even if he did come back to me...would I want him? I'd agonize constantly which "casual female friend" he took a call from or spoke with at social gatherings he was really planning to get into bed with him. Why put myself through the torment? I have moments where I'm happy that I've weathered the storm and can imagine my life single and working hard on making me a stronger and more successful person on my own. I am sure there are still days to come where I'll have to wipe myself off the floor, exhausted from weeping until I'm physically sore, but they're fewer and farther between now. Looking forward to doing all those fun things for me I put on the back burner in order to be with him.

Just wanted to let you all know relief will come with even a bit of effort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 6:54pm
I am so sorry to hear that happened to you! How horrible! You must be devastated, it's bad enough breaking up, but because of another women? That would throw me straight over the edge I think. What on earth did you do? I was with mine for two years as well...ugh, it's hard. I do find that in time the bad moments are less frequent, and my therapist taught me the thought stop process, which really helps. But in the end we will find relief and like I said acceptance truly does help.

Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:14pm
Congratulations!!! You're right on track!!! You've passed the what am I gonna do, I can't live without him freak out and are now accepting the break-up. That is a big positive step and I'm happy you've made it this far, so quickly!!! I think you're next step is to quit missing him at all and you may even get to the point where you're glad it's over but that one doesn't always happen)....but don't worry if you don't get there for awhile....it's supposed to take time but you'll get there!! Good luck and keep us posted!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 10:13am
Hello, as someone who is going through a break up myself, I can tell that you are on the road to healing. Of course you will still think of him a lot and sometimes you will relapse and wish for the relationship again. But one thing to remember is guys that you have loved and lost in the past and the fact that you got over them. That is one thing that keeps me going. This is a very important time to focus on yourself and realize that this guy was just a part of your life for a time, but he is not your life - you are. I am telling myself the same thing. You get used to basing your self-esteem on your partner's opinion of you and when you aren't together anymore, you don't know who you are or how you feel about yourself. But the relationship ended and you are still here and you are okay. That shows that this person was not the sustainer of your life. I hope my words are helping you, this is what has helped you in the past. A few weeks ago, I cried so much that I felt like I was dying and now I don't feel that way anymore. Your feelings will pass, time will heal your hurt and you will find love again, or better yet - come to a better realization of who you are, without a partner. My thoughts are with you during your hard time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 10:39am
Like many people who have posted replies, I agree that you are on your way to recovery. Breaking up always cuts deeply, but one has to have faith that there will come a day when it won't matter anymore. Know that in weeks or months to come, the pain will fade. Unfortunately, you have to go through these weeks or months before you get to that endpoint of real acceptance. I personally think that break ups are so physically and emotionally exhausting (the anger, the hurt, the loss of sleep) that our minds and bodies get to a point where we become almost resigned to the situation because it's the only way we can carry on. And that's why going cold turkey, with no contact really helps. Seeing the ex (even just running into him), always brings up emotions and sets you back. It's possible to be friends - I'm friends with all my exs but it takes a LONG time. Both parties need time to heal and get over the emotions. But when you get there, the friendship is great. The difficult part is to not carry the bad experience from this relationship into your next one. Try and focus on the positives of the relationship if any, learn from them and don't make the same mistakes with the next guy. I hope you feel better with each day!