separated after a 20-year marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
separated after a 20-year marriage
3
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 9:24pm
I just separated last week from my husband of 20 years. It's the hardest thing I have ever done, but I had to leave. Our relationship became as if we were roomates - not husband and wife. We both drink socially, but it got to where he was getting sloshed (slurring, stumbling) a couple of times a week and it has been that way for years. This may have something to do with the fact that he does not desire to have sex with me, although I honestly don't think he has ever had an affair. I am staying with a girlfriend for now, but will lease an apartment next week. I feel so empty and sad, but I have felt that way for a long time, so it's not new for me. It's so hard to leave your home, pets and everything you are comfortable with. It came down to the question - is it harder to stay or harder to leave? It would be so easy to just go back, but I know in my heart things would not change. We saw a counselor a couple of times, and I felt he was resentful of the entire experience, and needless to say it did not improve things at home any. Is there anyone else out there that has had a similar experience? Thanks for your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 8:31am
My experience wasn't the same as your's on the surface. Five years ago, we had been married 9 years and decided to separate. He initiated the breakup because the marriage wasn't making him happy. Our two children were 2 and 7 at the time. Six months later he moved out and I stayed in the house with the kids.

Where our experiences are the same it that once the split happened, I almost felt relief. I knew that for ME, it was the best thing that happened. My ex-husband tends to operate at a high stress level 75% of the time. I think the man just drained me. I also felt guilty because I knew that deep down I could have told him I wanted him to come back, and he probably would have. I felt guilty because of the kids, but not because of the marriage or because of him.

I knew that the marriage wasn't healthy, but I could never put my finger on the reason. I shutter to think of the kind of person I would be today if we had remained married. There was no abuse or infidelities, but it was very emotionally stifling. He made me responsible for his happiness. The problem is that you can't make someone happy who isn't happy with them selves. I came to realize that what we had going was a classic co-dependent relationship. I of course realized that after the fact.

I guess what I am getting at is life it too short to settle and compromise. If this is the right thing for you to do, then do it. It may sound like I was jumping for joy when he left and that was hardly the case. I was pretty much knocked for a loop by the whole thing, scared to death if I could handle life alone with 2 young children, feeling like some kind of failure for allowing my marriage to fail, and felt very unattractive. I have experience so much personal growth in the last 5 years, my good gf says I have blossomed. I had to find the person I was before my marriage and bring her up to date.

You can't make a marriage if only one person is participating. Maybe things have become way too comfortable for him and this is what he needs to shake up his world.

You just go out and try to make the best life you can for yourself. Fix up your new apt., do all those things you wanted to do but were putting off because you hade to take care of someone else. Be your own best friend and enjoy life.

Lois




Edited 8/27/2004 8:39 am ET ET by iofbeholder

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 2:47pm
Sorry to she that your marriage is ending or have ended...but I agree very much with Lois in terms of taking care of yourself and doing things for yourself...You have to be selfish sometimes.

I too after being married for 14 yrs..the soon to be ex-wife surprised me with wanting a seperation. All I did was work, work take care of home and do things with my sons as time allowed. I guess, while I was doing that..she had other things in mind with a freaking married guy from where she worked. I was told, she was not in love with me and did not have a place for me in her heart...well..after being devasted and a short seperation and some marriage counseling...stupid me moved back when she asked. Just for her to do the same crap on me. She met someone on line and kept that going for about a year until I found out.

I told her I want the divorce..but for now still living in the house...for almost a year, we have been sleeping in seperate rooms...just need to save enough in order to be able to move out...or just because I do not want to hurt my two sons. But, I know this time is for my best. Start a new life, and make sure to take of myself.

Just the other day I was thinking..when we were dating, we couldn't wait to see each other and now...do not even say hello...although she still calls me Honey...I belief is only out of habit.


It seems that we get scared back into a awful situation..and before you know years passes by.

Why so many of us find ourselves in these situations.

Wishing you the best on your journey...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:22pm
Lois and idragon - thanks to both of you for your replies. Lois - I can totally relate to what you said about the relationship being emotionally stifling and that he makes me responsible for his happiness. I do think my husband is depressed and has been for years, but I seriously doubt he would ever make an attempt to seek help.

I think we all get into our routines, and comfort zones, and although they may become "uncomfortable zones", we hang in there and before you know it, years have passed by. I thank the Lord we don't have children. It's hard enough with just me - I can't imagine how difficult it would be if there were kids involved. And although our marriage had basically "flat-lined" emotionally and sexually, I do still care about him. But maybe that's the co-dependent coming out. Maybe I am so used to taking care of things for so many years, I just don't know any other way. But, I know in my heart I am doing the right thing even though it breaks my heart.

Thanks again for your support. There is comfort in talking with others that have had a similar experience. Take Care.