separated by distance

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2007
separated by distance
8
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 5:39am

i have just had the two most amazing months with a guy i met beginning March. We both seemed to fall in love almost instantly and spent 2 dreamy months together.

the only time we had bad feelings was when we contemplated him leaving. He was due back in Norway ( i live in SA) mid May - tomorrow in fact. So that "deadline" was always on both our minds.He is a brilliant student and is going to be studying in Oxford in Oct. he was going to use these preceding months to secure funds for his tuition and make some cash to see him through his intensive one year masters degree.

Before he left he told me " i cant do long distance, maybe becuase of the intensity of our relationship" and " i am not ready for a commitment" " i need to put my full intensity of mind into my studies"

Of course it broke my heart to say goodbye as i am very much in love and feel i would follow him to the moon , if only he would ask.

I have been trying to be reasonable and understand the logic in what he has been saying but i keep asking myself

"was it real?"
" if it was then how could he leave?"
"what is love, and can it be recreated so easily, is that why he left, does he believe he can find this same special love again when the time is more convenient for him?"

the entire time we were together he revolved all his plans around me, he told me he cared for me deeply, he was visibly upset at the thought of having to leave etc etc. I truly believed his feelings were as deep as mine.

Neither of us came out and said " i love you" as it was way to soon to say something like that. ( that was my feeling anyhow, and i think his too).

so of course this has shaken my belief in love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 4:23pm

Hello coolchick2007,


Everything you feel is normal. However, even if what you were feeling was mutual, some people can separate out what they feel vs. what they need to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 1:12am

What you said about how some people can separate their emotions vs what they need to do also applies to my (ex)boyfriend. I was in a similar situation as coolchick2007. It was an intense 2 month love affair and this time, we DID say "I love you." In fact, he was the one who said it first as I was the hesitant one (since I knew I would be leaving the country). But as we spent more time together, my feelings increased in intensity. When I left, he let me go filled with hope and promise that we'll soon see each other again. As time passed, I began to hear less and less from him. He said he was concentrating on getting his life back on track for "us" and just had to focus on getting a routine down. The silence was devastating because I had no idea what was going on with him. Until finally, I just had to let go.

Like twinflame said, I have no doubts that what we had over the 2 months was real. I believe he really did love me and he really did mean those things he promised me. It's just now, I think everything (the long distance, getting his life back on-track) is starting to overwhelm him and he feels he can no longer deliver.

It tore me up inside when I started realizing what we had is over. And in some ways, I envy you (coolchick2007) that he was honest and set your expectations in advance instead of leaving you with all this hope only to slowly disengage himself from you. So kudos to your man. He didn't take the coward's way out (it would've been so easy for him to just ignore you when he's far away).

Despite all this, I have no regrets. No matter what the destination is, we should always remember the journey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 9:30am

I've been through exactly the same experience. I was the one who had to leave and in the beginning we kept in touch every day, and he kept telling me how much he missed me and thought about me. However, in the end it just became too hard to continue writing. I missed him so much, and writing emails and calling on the phone is just not the same. I think he felt the same way.... He stopped writing when his exams came up, and when I asked him what was going on, he told me that what had happened between us was really special but he needed his space, he found it hard to deal with the distance and he had not thought about me so much lately.

He has just moved to NYC to begin on his MBA, and lots of things are happening to him right now. I've studied abroad as well, and know how it feels to be in an entirely new environment, meeting new people every day and coping with a demanding schedule.

However, I'm moving back to NY this summer. Should I contact him and see what would happen or should I just leave it? We broke up last week... I saw him 2 months ago. I find it very hard to let this go.... I too think that what we had was special, and my gut feeling tells me that he really did think that as well. Would you do that if you had the chance? Any advice from you guys is greatly appreciated.

Coolchick2007, I feel for you. It is never easy to give up on something when you feel that it is worth holding on to. However, you must not let this experience shake your faith in love. After all, it WAS love, and you must believe in your intuition when it tells you that what you had was real. I have travelled a lot myself, and from my own experience I can only say that his leaving does not have anything to do with the intensity of his feelings for you. However, sacrificing his entire future to stay with you is a very big decision. If he's a brilliant student, I'm sure he has ambitions as well, something that is not easily given up - no matter how much he loves/loved you. You write that you´d follow him to the moon if only he would ask you. To me there are two things in that; it is a big sacrifice to make for someone you have known for 2 months... and consequently I don't think he would ask that from you. Asking the other person to sacrifice his/her life for the relationship to move somewhere else is a big step. It would put a lot of responsability on him if he was responsible for you having given up everyhting you had to go with him. You must also ask yourself if you were really prepared for that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2007
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 11:30am

thank you so much for your heartfelt response - its been hard as hell and weird but i have completely lost my desire to do ANYTHING. I just moved to a city i have been dying to move to for years and well its cool to be here finally but i dont feel any joy.

I know u are right it would put incredibly pressure on him to have me pack up and follow him but i honestly am prepared for that, i want to go be with him and if he let me i would go tomorrow. If it doesnt work out i will just come back to my regular life and carry on where i left off. but of course there is always finances to consider and norway is expensive and i doubt i could work and he is student so how would i survive. but if it was possible i would go, definately. :)

in the meantime i pray so hard that a way will open up for us.
thanks again i appreciate it

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 2:55pm

Coolchick,

You must be in so much hurt right now. After reading your story, it seems as if your guy knew he was leaving very soon, he met you, and he knew in his head it was just going to be for a few months, and then he had to go on with his life. You were there, you guys had fun, and it was great for both of you at the time. You were led one way, thinking that this would turn into something more, he always knew there would be a time to say goodbye. I am so sorry, I know you both expereienced real love, but i think you were truly thinking and feeling in your heart that it would never end, where he knew and prepared himself for something different.

Coolchick, never be willing to give up your life for someone you have known for two months, especially when he is telling you he is not ready for a committment. You will be chasing him around the globe. He needs the one begging you to be with him, and he is not, you deserve more than that. I realize now, that you are feeling like you would do anything to be with him...but why is he not willing to do anything to be with you??

Let me ask you, if you both new you were going to be apart in a few months, did you all not talk about that? or were you just kind of waiting to see what happened? It sounds very conveinent for him to say he doesnt want commitment right before he was leaving...i think he truly cared for you, but you were there for the time. He should not have led you on thinking there was going to be more. You have to be careful about getting so deeply involved with people so quickly. Easy come, easy go....if the relationship is quick and fast to start, it is going to be gone just as easily. Coolcchick, let him go, dont pine over hime, dont beg, let him be...if he wants you he will find a way to be with you. He knows how you feel, let him have what he wants....then let whatever is supposed to happen happen................hang in there sweety, trust me, life does go on, appreciate all the wonderful things in your life that you do have, and enjoy that awesome city you are now in!!! (how i wish i was in a cooler city!! ha ha)take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2007
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 5:20am

hi,

wow thanks so much, your words really meant a lot to me. I think you summed it all up very well. we did talk in the start he said he would stay longer but then due to exams and interviews for tuition subsidies he had to go on the date he left. And at one stage he said he is leaving as my boyfriend and we will see how we feel when we are apart. mmm but a few days before he left my good friends man was shot and killed on their wedding night and well the next morning he gave me the i cant commit speech. If he led me then well good luck to him.

Ya it hurts like hell. we are still chatting from time to time via email but very superficial. I am glad u thought he cared because boy otherwise he would need to be the worlds best actor. ya i am letting him go slowly and trying to be happy with my life ( it is a good one:) ).

Thanks again, so much , :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 2:03pm

What can I say .... I am sad to say it all sounds too familiar. Only that we had been together for almost three years. We were always long distance .... Germany - USA. We met and had an instant attraction and never planned too far ahead as that makes things so much harder in a long distance relationship (we lived together for a couple months in Germany and saw each other every two to three months). He will be going to graduate school this fall and most schools he picked to apply too were on the East Coast one in the city I could relocate through with my company (from Germany). Well for whatever reason he also applied to one school in Hawaii and as luck wants it was the only school accepting him. So we would have gone from being 4500 miles apart to about 9000 miles. And because I could not promise him I would make it through 4 more years of long distance with him not being sure he ever wanted comitment - we parted ways. He in his own way decided to be a coward and pushed me away long enough so that he could be the victim and go to Hawaii with no guilt.

So what am I trying to say .....
Did it have to end this way? If you ask me ... No.

Did it shatter my belief that if you just love someone enough it will all work out? Yes, in a way it does as I know he loves me very much but he will not leave his comfort zone not even for me and he never will for no-one. So no matter how much you are willing to give up and how much you will leave your comfort zone (which you should not by the way) sometimes love alone is not enough to defy circumstances and obstacles.

Do I loose faith in love? No, just because it ended that not mean I regret the last three years. Some relationships are meant to teach you something without the ride into the sunset. But that does not mean they are a waste of time or meant to have you loose faith in love.

I am not at the point yet myself at which I can look back end just enjoy the memory of the beautiful times we had as it has only be two weeks for us BUT I know I will get there one day (once I am done whishing that he is miserable and regrets every day that he let me walk out of his life despite knowing I was everything he needed).

And my last advise to you is do break contact with him for a while ... it hurts more to stay in touch with someone you love but can't have then to break contact. I miss mine like crazy as I have not spoken to him in two weeks but I know from the past that having a friendship right away prevents you from moving away from him emotionally. Especially in a long distance realtionship as too little changes. See for my case I believe that one day we might be friends as it did not end badly with screaming and fighting but that needs time in which both of us rebuild our lifes without the other and that means also without speaking.

Sorry this is so long but I hope it helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 5:05pm

coolchick,

I did want to mention something that krissi did say in regards to contact, she was right on when she said you should cut it off...it is so hard to talk to someone, hold onto that hope that they will come around and want to make it work. It is hard to hear their voice knowing they are not yours.....also..if you cut it off from him meaning:: do not contact him, do not email him, do not texxt him, if he calls do not answer, return emails, return texts. There are a few reasons for this,

This will help you first and foremost. This will help you get back to a normal routine, and this will help you get used to depending on yourself for emotional things...etc...this will so to speak "ween" yourself off of him. you will build your self confidence back, and find yourself again

This will also, give him a chance to realize life without you...if you are still around calling emailing..then you are still there, you are still available to him..let him know and feel how life is without you!!!! let him feel the way it is to have you not there, not pining after you and not begging for him...give him the chance to miss you, right now, by contacting him you are not letting him miss you...keep us updated!! use these boards for support, trust me, they have gotten me thru the last five months since my breakup!!

Good luck and get out and enjoy that new city you are in!!!

Bella