Severely depressed and distraught

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Severely depressed and distraught
11
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 2:56pm
Someone please help me get through this. I don't know if I need a professional counselor or what to do. My boyfriend of almost 5 years has decided he's not happy living here and wants to move to another state. He hasn't mentioned anything about me going with him because I can't...I have children and they are rooted here with family. He says he hates everything about his life. I'm 37 and he's 48. Our relationship has been good for the most part with the occasional disagreement and a couple of splits. I love him deeply and can't imagine my life without him. He's already started making plans to leave. There are other issues about why I think it's probably for the best, especially if he's miserable. I think it's mostly because he's not making enough money here and can't get material things he wants. He never was much of a talker, so he won't ever say. When he gets in his "I hate everything and everyone" moods, he doesn't want me around. When I sit down and write the pros and cons of why I should want him to stay, I can't come up with anything positive. Except that he makes me feel loved. Why can't I let him go? How do I start to let him go? I feel like my heart is shattering into a million pieces and I'm devastated.

I know I'm rambling here, but that's the state my head is in right now. Someone please advise me.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 3:22pm
I'm so sorry to hear you are hurting . It seems that he has issues that he needs to work through and there isn't much you can do except try to be understanding. Thats the hardest part, being patient and know that you can't fix him, that he needs to work through something. He seems to be running away from things and you and he is being kind of selfish??? Keep strong and know that he must work on himself before he can really care for you, and he might be the one who needs the help. I know that doesn't help your heart breaking but you can make it through this, you've got great support here!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 3:50pm
Candlerose, thanks for those kind words. I'm hanging on to this board because it's the only thing I have. I've basically alienated myself from the friends I had for this man, so I really have nobody to talk to.

While I was reading this board, he called me "just to say hi" and I broke down crying because I miss him so much. He acts like this isn't bothering him in the least. Should I have him stop calling me so I can heal? Every time he calls I get false hopes and get upset all over again.

Annie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 4:12pm
Annie,

I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting. As you will read over and over again on the boards, the best thing to do is stop all contact. As hard as it sounds, it's the only way to get through this. Everytime you have contact with him, you will have to start over. Now is the time to focus on yourself and your children. You need to do what is best for you. In my opinion the best thing would be to tell him to stop calling.

It has been 3 wks for me and 2 wks of no contact. It's hard, but posting has really helped me. Just today I posted b/c i wanted to call him. I didn't call him and I am so proud of myself. Just focus on getting through each day. Stay strong. We are hear for you. You will get through this, we all will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 4:15pm
I'm glad you have found this board to let out your feelings, I know I have found great comfort in writing and reading the posts. Is he having ups and downs? And using you for strength? He must know that you are hurting or maybe he doesn't realize? If you are suppose to be "over" than the rules say no contact but yeah right...easier said than done. Has he left? Or are you supposed to be broke up? He might be rethinking his actions but he can't keep dragging you down. He's got to get a grip and make a decision, but in the meantime you gotta stay busy and maybe even miss a few calls for the time being???. Time apart might be good for you both, you know you don't need him to be happy, and no matter how great you are for him, you can't make him happy. He has to find that for himself and then you can enjoy each other. You've invested alot of time with him so the aftermath seems really hard and painful if his leaving has been recent. I'm not sure his intentions but you loved him, and still do, if he can't get his act together and appreciate that, than you deserve better. Take his actions one day at a time, and stay true, cry here anytime you need to, things will definitely get better and we will see you through it!!! I am praying for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 4:36pm
Thanks to everyone posting here. I do feel a bit better already. I am going to take a big step and ask that he not contact me any longer. I know this will help me along. I will have the strong urge to call him - I've done that once before when we split and when he didn't answer his phone I flew into a tizzy and left 35 missed calls on his phone. Sometimes I feel like "how dare him stop wanting me" and I feel rejected. I'll tell him if he has no choice but to contact me about an important matter to email me. That way he won't hear me falling apart on the phone. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 5:37pm
My relationship ended about three weeks ago, and I have to say that reading everyone's posts has made it easier for me to get through this. It makes me so sad to read how other people are suffering, but it also helps to know that other people are going through the same whirlwind of emotions and symptoms that I am. (Honestly, sometimes I feel as if I am losing my mind.) Also, be comforted that it really does get better every day, even if only a little bit. You're at the beginning, and you have some ways to go, but just think: this is probably going to be the worst that it's going to be, and you're coping, you're surviving, at least for this day or hour or minute.

This is the first time I've replied to someone's post. A few things you said reminded me of my relationship. I love my ex, and I know he loves me. But we can't be together, for reasons that I won't get into (partly because I am only now just starting to understand them). My ex is a great guy, but he has his dark side as well. He too got into moods where he hated the world and everyone in it. At one point he even asked me while watching a tragic news story on tv: "What's the big deal? Why do people value human life so much?" He's so unhappy with his job, so unhappy with the city we live in, everything. I tried my best to love him, and I honestly did love him, to my fullest capability. But he did push me away at times, especially when he was in one of his "funks." Ask yourself, how did it feel when he did that to you? Did you feel loved then? I know I felt rejected, hurt, and worried that maybe I was doing something wrong. But you know what? Those are his problems, and he needs to work them out for himself, and it is not my responsibility to take them on. Nor is it my fault that I can't solve them.

Also, my ex is planning on leaving this city for good in about a year. It hurt each time he talked about how he was so excited to leave and finally start "living," and he never once included me in his plans. Our careers are in different fields, and I have to stay put for at least two more years. Once, I tearfully asked, "Would you stay if I asked you to?" and he replied, "But, baby, there's nothing here for me." Did he value our relationship as I did? Obviously not.

Anyways, enough about me. What I would recommend, even though it will be HARD, is what most people on this board have suggested: break contact. A week ago, I finally told my ex not to call me anymore. He was telling me things like "I do love you, I'll always love you" and "I feel so empty inside," and how he doubted on a daily basis the decision to break up. And these types of things will give you hope, and you'll find yourself clinging to them when you feel the saddest. But you know what? None of these things is telling me that he wants to be with me right now. And it hurt each time I realized that. And then I started grieving all over again. I know you might not be ready to stop communicating with him, so take your time. Only you will know when you're ready. But it feels good to have some sense of control, especially when you feel your world has been flipped upside-down. And remember: he knows how to reach you--if he changes his mind, he'll find you. If not, you've already made the first step to moving on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 6:23pm
Annie,

Time to let this guy be alone with his thoughts and to let him figure it out on his own. I'm not as old as this guy, but I'm closer to him than 35...it's a bit of a cliche, but it sounds like he is having a mini mid-life crisis. I know from personal experience that as we men get older, we tend to take a very long look @ where we are, where we've been, and where we're going(it can be daunting). I've been fortunate in my professional life that money is not an issue for me, I don't worry about "toys" anymore. That being said, many men base their self worth on superficial items such as cars, clothes, and the latest and greatest of everything. I was certainly guilty of this to a certain extent when I was younger, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. There was always tomorrow, next week, next month, next year....I have missed out on a lot in my personal relationships, and all I can do now is try to be a better man in the future, and hope that I am fortunate enough to meet someone who wants to spend their life with a decent guy who arrived @ the party a little late. Only HE can slay the demons HE is dealing with, unfortunately there is nothing you can do to help him see the light. The more you push, the more he will run. I know of what I speak. If he comes back, it will hopefully be because he sees all of the positive and wonderful things you bring to his life...only HE can fix himself. I wish you the very best, your pain is palpable.

MB
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 10:54pm
Welcome to the board although I wish it were under better circumstances. I'm sure all of us could understand your post...we've all been there...maybe not the exact situation but the break-up in general and it never feels good. ITs normal to feel the way you do especially considering you were together so long. I had a bf once who had got a job offer in another state and I was miserable with the thought of him leaving. You'll get through this and we're here to help. Good luck and keep us posted.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:26pm
Thanks to everyone for the great advice...I really appreciate it.

Well, I guess it's all over now but the crying. I went to his house last night to return some of his belongings. We talked a bit about what was happening, although he didn't really have much to say. His reasons were that the prospect of owning a house with land back up north was appealing to him (his mother passed before we met and left the house for he and his brother) and that things weren't the same between us. I assumed this was his way of telling me he wasn't in love with me any longer. I did tell him I still loved him very much and fished for him to say something to me along those lines, but the words I wanted to hear never came. He wouldn't even tell me he cared about me. I cried on his shoulder for a long 10 minutes in silence and told him if his decision was made I couldn't have contact with him at all because I needed to heal and I didn't want to deal with false hope. All he said was, "Fair enough." So I got into my car and left. I looked in my rearview mirror and watched him stand in his driveway watching until my car was no longer in sight.

Why do I feel like I've made a mistake? Do I really never want to hear from him again? Or will I be suffering like a close loved one died?

I know this is off topic, but in the past two weeks my daughter and grandaughter have moved from my home and I don't get to see them often, my son told me of his plans to move out of state next month, and my boyfriend's dog that I kept for him while he was working is now gone, too.

This is all pretty boring to read, I know, but it feels good to write it, at least.

Thanks all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 1:17pm
I'm sorry for your pain. Unfortunately, yes, you probably will be suffering like a close loved one died. That's the nearest analogy I've been able to reach for this whole breakup mess, it's like he died. In fact, a local radio shock jock who has an afternoon program I heard at work the other day said that is it exactly - your ex died. You don't call dead people and hang up, don't drive by their houses, don't wonder how they are and what they're doing, don't keep hoping they'll call. They're dead. You're sad, you grieve, you remember them from the day they died back, but they're gone and not in your life anymore. You can remember them, but you're not obsessing every day that they're up in heaven hitting on some hot angel. Moreover, your ex chose to leave you (or, in my case, just to behave in a way that made it impossible for me to stay). They didn't get hit by a bus, they purposefully ended or contributed to the end of your relationship, so you don't even have to feel bad that they're dead to you, because they chose to be that way. That's pretty harsh, but it's pretty much the right kind of thinking to adopt, at least in the short term.

You do not want to talk to him for a long, long time. Months, maybe a year or more, depending on the intensity of your feelings for him and your own healing process. Maybe, some day in the future, you can resume communication, can be friends, whatever. Now is not the time for that. You may think that you want to keep him in your life, that you can't imagine living without him in your life in some capacity. I've been in the same place, and it is not a good idea. You are heartbroken, still in love with him. You have noted that he does not feel the same for you. Any communication with him would only drive that home to you forcibly, make you feel it fresh each time. And hearing his voice, seeing him, keeping him in your life, it keeps you attached to him, still pining for something that cannot be, not looking for your own happiness and someday another love. It really can be incredibly painful to try to keep a close love in your life in a different capacity, especially when you are still hurting and still in love. The smallest thing he says or does will wound you and lead to an agony of wondering what if. If he seems happy, you'll be hurt that he's happier without you, that he must not have cared that much for you, etc. If he seems upset, even if you don't know the reason why, you'll drive yourself nuts wondering if he's regretting the breakup. You'll obsess over his tone of voice, the words he uses, if he does or does not touch you if you're out together casually. Heaven forbid if he starts to see someone else. Or what if you meet someone, will you feel guilty? Keeping him around, it's keeping a connection and obligation to him, it will mess with your connecting with someone new. The healthiest, sanest choice is to keep your distance until you could honestly say you have no more feelings for him. I try to imagine this - if he had a new girlfriend who called you looking for advice on what to get him for his birthday, would you be okay with that? If you can imagine that without pain and jealousy, than you can be friends, not before. People come and go from our lives. I had very close friends in high school, but I live thousands of miles away now, and sometimes we only contact each other once every couple of years. That's okay - we had our time together, and it was time to move on, and it's not like I've "lost" something - I've gained the experience and the memories of having them in my life, for the time we had before it was time to move on. You have no obligation to keep in contact with someone when it will cause you pain simply out of a misguided belief that, because you once meant something to each other, you must stay in each others' lives forever. He'll always be in your heart.

If anyone is making a mistake here, it is him. It is no mistake to make the choices you need to make to stay sane and to recover from this.

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