Sex w/ the EX blew up in my face!! help!
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| Mon, 04-04-2005 - 12:09pm |
Well I think most of you know my story. My bf and I broke up 2 months ago. I didn't talk to him for a few weeks. Then decided I wanted to be friends b/c I'm moving in May. So, eventually we ended up sleeping together. In the last week, I've stayed with him twice. I thought I would be okay, and be able to just enjoy him and his company until I leave.
He picked me up from the airport on Sat. night and we went to dinner and then out with his friends. He is treating me great, just like when we were dating, almost better in a sense. I mean we acted like a couple all night.
I have been praying for a sign as to whether I was doing the right thing. Well when we left dinner on Sat. night, we drove a little ways and he realized he left his cell phone. Well we went back and I jumped out to grab it because he was driving. Well, as I went to grab the phone, it was ringing. A girl I've never heard of was calling. So, when I got to the car I said who's so and so. And, he acted so incredibly strange. Instead of just saying a friend or whatever. Well, as you can imagine I kept asking. And, he basically told me it was a girl in my law school class that he hooked up with once. He said I don't understand why you would want to know this, I mean I know we're not together, but I still have feelings for you and I wouldn't want to know about some guy calling you at all. (this kills me, I mean we're not together so he shouldn't care, he's the one that wanted it this way, not me) I want the commitment and him all to myself.
So, at this point he became kind of cold and was like maybe I should just go out with my friends and I'll talk to you later because I know you are going to ask me about this all night. Well, I should have left right then, but didnt. Then he was like well lets still go out but just promise you wont ask me about that. So, we got ready and went out and I never did ask about it again, well not to him.
During the evening, I spoke to one of his friends who I like and respect a lot and he does me as well. So, of course I asked about the girl, and at first he tried to cover up. But then he told me, that my ex had just hooked up with her one night, but he knows he didnt sleep with her. And, he proceeded to tell me how I was so much prettier. Then he was like he would kill me if he knew I was telling you any of this (which he would). So, I don't know why the friend was doing this.
And then, out of nowhere, he (my exes best friend here) was like "but you should know that he talks about you all the time", so do what you want with that basically. This nearly made me start crying in the bar. I guess he was saying he really still cares for you or whatever.
Well, soon my ex and I left. We got up the next morning and went to church and to brunch. Just like we used to when we were dating. But, I felt so sad the entire time. I think he had to have known. He asked me what was wrong a few times, and I just said nothing. Before we left the house, while he was in the shower, I looked in his cell phone to see if he had ever called this girl back. Well he had, when he was with me (3 times). That really hurt. I also found out her last name and now know who she is.
Well when we got back to his house after church/brunch, I got my stuff togther to get ready to leave. He asked me whether he should tell his sister I had been there and all of that. She is also a good friend of mine, but has always been way to nosy about our relationship, so we have been keeping it from her, sort of, that we have been hanging out. Well I just told him I don't care what he tells her, but now that someone else is involved (she knows this other girl, and I'm sure she knows they hooked up) I told him I don't want to look stupid. I guess I had been naively thinking that he wasnt really seeing other girls. And, that's why I thought what we were doing was okay. But, then there it was right in my face. And, its so ironic how it happened.
Well he was like what do you mean involved, and I said this other girl is involved now. And he was just like it was one time and its no big deal. So, I was like what does she look like, and he just said oh you're so much prettier, but she's funny (what the heck does that mean).
Then he goes, but I'm sure you pretty much took care of that. Apparently, as we were leaving the bar together on Sat. night, we ran into her. I guess I don't remember it b/c I didn't know exactly who she was at the time. And, I kind of laughed about it. He was like yeah she grabbed my arm and I was kind of rude to her. So, she saw us together. I was like oh don't worry I probably did you a favor, she will want you more now that she saw you with me. He was like dont say stuff like that. I'm assuming now that he must have been calling her to save face or keep his options open (I guess that says he must care what she thinks).
So anyway, I called my Mom (she's my best friend) as soon as I got in the car and just cried and cried. I know I just have to stop. I mean he was my boyfriend, now we're in this weird casual limbo where he's hooking up with other girls. And, I am still completely in love with him. But, its seems like he has all of these feelings for me too (sometimes I think he's in love w/ me and doesnt even know it) and I just don't understand why he wont commit, why is he willing to lose me. He has even said when we broke up and now, how he knows he is making a huge mistake. He even told me that is what he told his parents. So, I just don't think I can handle it anymore.
I am sure he thinks everything is fine, and that we will see each other again soon. He called yesterday after I left just to tell me that he told his sister everything, so I didn't get caught lying to her. I didn't answer or call back.
I don't know whether I should email and tell him to leave me alone or just not take his calls. This situation has been so hard for me and is so complicated because I may/will run into him at school for the next month and also b/c I'm friends with his sister. She talks about him all the time, even when I asked her not to. So, I don't really know how to approach this.
Any ideas? I'm so sad, and just want to do whatever its going to take to make me feel better. But, I'm afraid I'm going to miss him too much. I don't know....

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You want to do what ever is going to make you feel better. Well, how's what you're doing now working out for you? The biggest point out of all you wrote that you need to keep focused on is "My bf and I broke up 2 months ago". Anything and everything after that is just evidence that you've taken the wrong path for yourself. Hindsight is 20/20 right? Look back on everything that you've done and where it's gotten you. It is not where you want to be. Where you want to be is in a mutual loving, committed, honest, healthy relationship. What you have with the XBF is not any of those things. What you have with your XBF is a break up that's being dragged out by you allowing him to.
It's obvious that being friends with him, and ONLY friends with him, is an option far to painful for you to truly be okay with. You're completely wrapped up and involved in his dating life as though you're still in the GF mentality, and you're acting like the jealous GF, which as his friend, you're no longer entitled to do.
You're moving in May which will help incredibly with your moving on process. Until then, tell him you need to have no contact with him. Chalk it up to his loss, your lesson learned.
What is your problem?
You two have no obligation or ties to one another.
You do have associative patterns that say "this person = fun".
so you two continue to "go out"...and whenever he makes a gesture that you can interpret as being "romantic" - you make an assumption "oh, he misses me, he wants me, he's with only me".
You then act on those assumptions, get naked and sweaty....and then you're all upset that he's been sleeping with other people, too.
He didn't make you any promises...in fact he cancelled the entire contract called a 'relationship" that you two were in.
Now you two continue to hang out and hook up based in "personal need for personal reasons, with no obligation to the other person to be involved in the backlash, aftermath, or result".
You have nothing to be mad at him about. You went around loving the idea that he "wanted you, missed you" - you spread 'em and got what you wanted...and now you're mad that he odens't want you back, he's not going to reunite, this was all about sex and a good time - he was living in the present, not holding you accountable for his feelings or his actions...he thought you were adult enough to do the same based on what you knew...he had no idea you were operating on denial and living in a dream world where your feelings were the facts that were telling you what to do.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I'm going to take a stab at interpreting Erin/Doubleblade's comment for you. Perhaps your ex still has "feelings" for you. But in his world, those feelings don't dictate his life, his hopes, or his dreams. After thinking rationally, he came to the conclusion that your relationship needed to end. You're incompatible, you have different goals, he's not interested in prioritizing a relationship at this stage of his life, whatever. He was completely honest and open with you about that. He surely feels guilty for causing you pain, hence his "I'm probably making a mistake" commentary. But he's not back with you, and he's taking every opportunity to remind you of that. He has set aside his feelings for you, whatever these may be, because they are not sufficient to justify a continued relationship with you. He can "have feelings" and still not want a relationship with you. There's no contradiction there. He can have "feelings" and still allow his rational mind and his goals to override those feelings.
And, he can have no obligation sex, affection, and companionship without expectations or obligations from now until you move away. Why wouldn't he want that? There's nothing painful about your company for him, it's not a chore to have fun, go out, and have sex with someone he likes and who is easy to look at. There's no big mystery here. His continuing to hang out with you is not a clue to be solved, it does not indicate that he doesn't really mean it when he says it's over. For example, when you were hurt/jealous about another girl, he was prepared to drop you at your door rather than endure the hassle of having to answer your questions and deal with your emotions. That's because he's not interested in the obligation, he's only interested in the fun. To the extent that he seems "jealous" of you, maybe it's that primal male instinct to want exclusive sexual access to his partner. Maybe he doesn't want to lose out on a good thing (sex and fun with no obligation) before you leave.
The book "He's Just Not that Into You" has been over-hyped, but there's a critical message there. Too many women twist themselves into all kinds of shapes trying to "spin" behavior to fit the motivation they want. The most egregrious example of this is the victims of domestic violence I counsel who can say things like "he only hits me because he's worried about my health." You're trying to reason from behavior like spending time together, "like we used to," and having sex, and deducing that love motivates it all. But he's told you outright that he doesn't want a relationship with you. You're trying to make his behavior contradict his express statements. As I've said to you on here before, if you respect him as an adult and an equal, then his word counts for something. It's patronizing to treat him like a child who doesn't know his own mind, and to reason out for yourself that his behavior means something different than what he says. Not only is that rude, it sets you up for pain and failure. Believe men when they tell you it's over, that sometimes they lose control of their temper, that they've got a "little problem" with drugs or alcohol, any number of the things that women go out of their way to avoid hearing. Selective deafness doesn't help. You've already been advised to stop the ex sex, precisely because it leads to this kind of pain, so now you've learned a hard lesson. The last important thing he said to you was "it's over," and you skipped ahead of that, ignoring it, but it's time to really understand it now and grieve the loss on your own.
Thank you Milton. That makes sense. I was saying I realize I cannot handle it and I am not going to see him anymore. It thought I could, but the emotions came right back.
Now, I just don't know what to do. Do i just stop talking to him or tell him?
Here's the thing....most guys don't want someone they've been with - with other guys. It's the "I don't want you but i dont' want anybody else to have what I have had" thing...it's the territorial dog thing where they "pee to mark their territory".
He's not acting jealous because he wants a relationship with you and thinks he can't get it. You're there, you're hanging out, you're going out, you're hooking up. HE's jealous because other guys - now that you're available - might take it upon themselves to avail themselves of waht he's getting - sex without obligation. Because you've made it plain - you'll do it. You're going "i'll do it with him"....but the message yo're sending is "no obligation sex is fine with me." Most women would know "Oh, she's doing it becuase she wants him back. She wouldn't just sleep with anybody else."
But he's slept around......and he's attributing his abilities and options and mindset to you. HE doesn't want other guys to have what he's had...until he's done with it entirely.
But he doesn't "want" a relationship. IF he did - you're ready, willing and able to talk about it at any point, and he knows that by you hanging out and hooking up with him - you're availableto him for whatever he wants, on his terms, to meet his needs. If his desire was a relationship - he'd discuss it with you. Just like whenever he wants to hang out and hook up - he asks you without hesitation or shyness.
Maybe this helps.......there's two perspectives on dating or hanging out and hooking up.
One viewpoint is "this might lead to something in terms of commitment".....most women come it at from that vantage point. As a result - what doesn't yet exist (commitment) is prioritized and desired...and thus everything that transpires is seen from the vantage point of "does htis indicate that what I want could be on his mind".
The other viewpoint is "how this is right now is great"....most men come at it from this perspective. As a result - whatever transpires in the moment that is fun, exciting or gratifying is all they were after, it's appreciated for what it is.......and there is no need to endless review actions and words for implications. They got precisely waht they came for. And before you take that wrong......here's a great way to look at it.
A buddy of mine said this a couple of years ago and man, it just hits the mark. "Cindy is a great girl. She's fun, she's intelligent, and man can she run (he was a runner). She's just so much fun to be around, I was really suprised when my move was well received. I didn't expect her like sex as much as me, but that she does is a bonus and score."
So, he was dating her because she was fun and attractive and intelligent and exciting. In a make out session that he didn't necessarily "expect" to go somewhere - it did. HE was gratified. But he didn't read into that that she "wanted more".
So what your guy was saying is that in the moments you two spent together - it was great and it was fun and it was sexually fulfilling. HE wasn't doing it to get something out of it he wasn't getting. If you were doing it because you thought somthing more would result - that is your problem adn issue to deal with.
But you've got to realize it from a 3rd party perspective......the world isn't privy to the details per se. And what the 3rd parties in your world see is this.
You two are broken up, you're hanging out and hooking up because you both like sexual gratification with someone experienced in satisfying YOU. That doesn't mean that either of you can't date other people, or hook up with other people.
He's availed himself of that option, he knows you have the right and ability to do it. The message you're sending to his male friends is that "you're just fine with no obligation sex"...and he knows men well enough to know that message isn't sent out very often.....and what he doesn't want is you "having sex with his friends".
He doesn't mind if you have sex with people he doesn't know and have ot hear about....but he doesn't want you having sex with his buddies.....and they sit there and "face off" about who made you moan louder or writhe harder. If they wanted that type of comparative analysis...they'd invite you to a 3some - you and two guys so that on-site comparison was available.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
But hon, it was put right in your face......because you took a "girlfriend" type response to a situation. You picked up his phone. You answered it.
Basically...here's where you're at. When he broke up with you -he was emotionally way more distanced from "you" individually and your relationship than you. He took a long time ot decide "this isn't working for me."
As a result he has an emotional detachment you don't. You heard "we're breaking up" and the future you envisioned, and the presnt you were living in was instantly restructured. Like a death of an important person.
You've got to have time to make adjustments, redefine your individuality, assessyour personal priorities and needs and goals and learn to meet them before you're ready to stand back and "be his friend" - particularly with benefits.
If you'd have taken several months of personal assessment and redefinition and created a great full life - and you still wanted to hook up wih him because he's well hung and a stud in bed...that'd have been fine. You wouldn't have been answering his phone, you wouldn't have been "hold his hand" in public, you would have with awareness stepped "back" anytime he approached a woman, or one approached him - he has the right too pursue and date women IN FRONT OF YOU....if you're a hoook up option, as do you.
But you two are approaching this like starving dogs......I want something better than you, but you'll do till that comes along. And like hyena's you're running off anything the other has an option on......because "I don't have anything lined up for myself yet".
That's not FWB by a long shot.......that's booty call with issues.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Somehow you got confused. I never said I answered his phone. I wouldn't do that, I simply said as I picked up the phone off the bar as it was ringing the screen said "girls name calling." I did not answer it, don't paint me that crazy. The point I was trying to make is that I prayed for a sign and I think that was it. Otherwise its too coincidental that this girl was calling right at that moment.
In addition, I know I will find someone better. But, he never will!
Well.....I'm not sure why you'd be looking for a "sign" that he's sleeping with other people, if you two are good friends with this hooking up arrangement, why not just ask. Details no - but actuality of is it happening is something to know.....becuase lots of people are not wanting to sleep with a variety of partners simultaneously. It takes the risk factor for HIV/AIDS/STD's thru the roof...and it's a risk plenty of people won't take.
The reality is, if he thought you were the best thing to happen...he'd still be with you. That he's not...indicates that the values, priorities, goals and definitions o a great life and how to achieve it aren't shared....so neither of you is wrong or right, but you're definitely not right for one another.
I mean, if you're just hooking up with him......and particularly having never discussed exclusivity...weren't you realizing that if he found osmeone attractive at a bar, and exchanged numbers, or decided to go home with her instead - he would and he could, and as his "friend' you really owuld need to stand back, and be glad for him....even in that moment.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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