Sex w/ the EX blew up in my face!! help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sex w/ the EX blew up in my face!! help!
54
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 12:09pm

Well I think most of you know my story. My bf and I broke up 2 months ago. I didn't talk to him for a few weeks. Then decided I wanted to be friends b/c I'm moving in May. So, eventually we ended up sleeping together. In the last week, I've stayed with him twice. I thought I would be okay, and be able to just enjoy him and his company until I leave.

He picked me up from the airport on Sat. night and we went to dinner and then out with his friends. He is treating me great, just like when we were dating, almost better in a sense. I mean we acted like a couple all night.

I have been praying for a sign as to whether I was doing the right thing. Well when we left dinner on Sat. night, we drove a little ways and he realized he left his cell phone. Well we went back and I jumped out to grab it because he was driving. Well, as I went to grab the phone, it was ringing. A girl I've never heard of was calling. So, when I got to the car I said who's so and so. And, he acted so incredibly strange. Instead of just saying a friend or whatever. Well, as you can imagine I kept asking. And, he basically told me it was a girl in my law school class that he hooked up with once. He said I don't understand why you would want to know this, I mean I know we're not together, but I still have feelings for you and I wouldn't want to know about some guy calling you at all. (this kills me, I mean we're not together so he shouldn't care, he's the one that wanted it this way, not me) I want the commitment and him all to myself.

So, at this point he became kind of cold and was like maybe I should just go out with my friends and I'll talk to you later because I know you are going to ask me about this all night. Well, I should have left right then, but didnt. Then he was like well lets still go out but just promise you wont ask me about that. So, we got ready and went out and I never did ask about it again, well not to him.

During the evening, I spoke to one of his friends who I like and respect a lot and he does me as well. So, of course I asked about the girl, and at first he tried to cover up. But then he told me, that my ex had just hooked up with her one night, but he knows he didnt sleep with her. And, he proceeded to tell me how I was so much prettier. Then he was like he would kill me if he knew I was telling you any of this (which he would). So, I don't know why the friend was doing this.

And then, out of nowhere, he (my exes best friend here) was like "but you should know that he talks about you all the time", so do what you want with that basically. This nearly made me start crying in the bar. I guess he was saying he really still cares for you or whatever.

Well, soon my ex and I left. We got up the next morning and went to church and to brunch. Just like we used to when we were dating. But, I felt so sad the entire time. I think he had to have known. He asked me what was wrong a few times, and I just said nothing. Before we left the house, while he was in the shower, I looked in his cell phone to see if he had ever called this girl back. Well he had, when he was with me (3 times). That really hurt. I also found out her last name and now know who she is.

Well when we got back to his house after church/brunch, I got my stuff togther to get ready to leave. He asked me whether he should tell his sister I had been there and all of that. She is also a good friend of mine, but has always been way to nosy about our relationship, so we have been keeping it from her, sort of, that we have been hanging out. Well I just told him I don't care what he tells her, but now that someone else is involved (she knows this other girl, and I'm sure she knows they hooked up) I told him I don't want to look stupid. I guess I had been naively thinking that he wasnt really seeing other girls. And, that's why I thought what we were doing was okay. But, then there it was right in my face. And, its so ironic how it happened.

Well he was like what do you mean involved, and I said this other girl is involved now. And he was just like it was one time and its no big deal. So, I was like what does she look like, and he just said oh you're so much prettier, but she's funny (what the heck does that mean).

Then he goes, but I'm sure you pretty much took care of that. Apparently, as we were leaving the bar together on Sat. night, we ran into her. I guess I don't remember it b/c I didn't know exactly who she was at the time. And, I kind of laughed about it. He was like yeah she grabbed my arm and I was kind of rude to her. So, she saw us together. I was like oh don't worry I probably did you a favor, she will want you more now that she saw you with me. He was like dont say stuff like that. I'm assuming now that he must have been calling her to save face or keep his options open (I guess that says he must care what she thinks).

So anyway, I called my Mom (she's my best friend) as soon as I got in the car and just cried and cried. I know I just have to stop. I mean he was my boyfriend, now we're in this weird casual limbo where he's hooking up with other girls. And, I am still completely in love with him. But, its seems like he has all of these feelings for me too (sometimes I think he's in love w/ me and doesnt even know it) and I just don't understand why he wont commit, why is he willing to lose me. He has even said when we broke up and now, how he knows he is making a huge mistake. He even told me that is what he told his parents. So, I just don't think I can handle it anymore.

I am sure he thinks everything is fine, and that we will see each other again soon. He called yesterday after I left just to tell me that he told his sister everything, so I didn't get caught lying to her. I didn't answer or call back.

I don't know whether I should email and tell him to leave me alone or just not take his calls. This situation has been so hard for me and is so complicated because I may/will run into him at school for the next month and also b/c I'm friends with his sister. She talks about him all the time, even when I asked her not to. So, I don't really know how to approach this.

Any ideas? I'm so sad, and just want to do whatever its going to take to make me feel better. But, I'm afraid I'm going to miss him too much. I don't know....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 4:56pm

booty call with issues, haha thats a riot.

Ok, Linds, breathe, you are going to be ok. I remember heartfeltly trying to warn you against this kind of thing that seems to be spiraling downward fast. I can relate to your head first face plant into the ground all too well, I too did all the things you mention. Sex with the ex, contact, heartwrenching goodbyes, late night missing, longing, endless crying, overanalyzing every single word and gesture of his, that must mean he cares and is in denial, right? well, he's not. he's not in it with his heart, bottom line. And there you are still standing on the curb where he left you, trying to make sense. You are not going to hold it all together, believe me, you can't. That dignity that you should have walked away with and moved with in a month was the better road to take, and I know you know that. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom, make all the wrong turns and decisions before you get it. You and he are over, little bit of sex before you go will hurt more in the end, and faking that your heart isn't hurt is impossible. Just stop. right now, and you don't have to tell him. I'm sure you will, (ha, I felt that i had to too) and you don't, really. However you will, your inner selfish self will conjure up all kinds of reasons for one last contact. One last phone call to say something, or a goodbye. You will tell yourself that it is the kind thing, or the 'friend' thing to do but you don't. One day you will see, when you stop focusing on him or your need for him. HE IS NOT EVERYTHING. Heck, in the entire scheme of things, he is but a moment in your past, a guy you knew, slept with, loved dearly, cried over and won't ever see again. Cry it out, you are going to be ok. But nothing you do from here on out will make you feel much better except to stand up and walk away. You've given all you can to this guy, take comfort in that. and work on letting it go.
sorry, your story hit home, and I survived. somehow, I was an idiot, with my head in the clouds for close to a year. I'm out now, but man, I was in a sad depressed state of mind going back and forth over a year sleeping with my ex. AND THEN YOU FINALLY STOP. you have to stop it though. Or next he will decide you are crazy (for not being able to let it go) and you will just feel worse. Please, people here see that you are hurting and do care, its time to get honest, it will never happen with this guy. Let it go,

hugs, hugs, hugs, i wish i could make it all better now for you, but you will get through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 5:39pm
I agree with the first part of your post. But, the second is not the reality of the situation. We would not go out with each other and go home with other people. He certainly wouldn't allow it. I was talking to a guy on Sat. and he came up and put his arm around me and patted me on the butt. So, anyway, it's done, its over, I couldnt do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 5:46pm
I know it's been said, but just to repeat - it doesn't matter how you end it. That you're fixated on how you stop it (tell him, stop taking his calls, whatever), that's evidence that you're still future-focused with him in mind. You're worried about what he'll think of you or how he'll feel, and you want to keep a foot in the door with him by giving a good last impression. That's the only reason you're worried about "how" to go about ending a situation you understand is not good for you. It just suggests to me that you're not getting that, once you put a stop to FWB, it's all over, "over-over" as I've heard said around here. You'll be moving, this will all be done, and it won't matter if he thinks you're desperate, classy, heartbroken, or whatever. From now on, you have to move on alone (you should have done that two months ago). So, do whatever feels right to you, for your own motivations, and without putting him foremost in your mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 5:58pm

Well, that's the thing really. I know what you're saying you're going 'if I flirted, gave my number, etc. he'd get real mad and I don't want that.' But really that is yOU that wouldn't allow you to flirt or go off with someone else - the only way he could stop you if he wanted to stop you is to get physical with you or the other guy. That's possible he'd do it......but unlikely in reality unless he's just a loose cannon and immature.

But I think what happened is assumptions were subbed in as facts. You just assumed that him sleeping with you meant "a little more" than just physical gratification, and that you'd never have to hear about it if it wasn't exclusive. That was in the "head in sand, butt in air" approach - that leaves you open to being kicked without warning and that's what happened.

In his case, I think he probably knew because you two were in a realtionship, that you still had some desire to reunite, that sex was more than physical gratification to you, and he was loving having your complete attention when he wanted it, with no obligation to you whatsoever. He was pretending, just like you were pretending, that "because I have no relationship wtih her, I have no obligation to her"...but the reality is he did have na obligation to be honest and upfront about whatever the "contractual terms" were - friendship is a relationship!

In your case, your head in sand/butti n air approach left you open to being kicked without warning, while putting your head down there with nothing to do but think about "what if, if only"...in terms of what else he might be doing elsewhre, and did what he was ding with you mean more than it did.

In his case, he said "as long as it feels good do it till it lasts, and squirm out of it if necessary under the "I have no obligation" clause". And what he didn't count on was a couple of things......being so caught up in his "cake and icing and punch" - he failed to realize that he'd have to actually "deal with you personally" when you figured out he had other things going on. And he also probably NEVER counted on you finding it out in such a way that his "option" elsewhere was impacted or shut down, as a result of meeting.

You say you don't remember meeting her....I'm not sure if that's because everybody had been drinking, or you just didn't pick up on the moment in the heat of socializing. I know you were caught up in how polite, how impressive, charming, and flirtatious he was being with you - and what it might have meant....and so you easily might have overlooked the moment where he tried to step away from your side, drop your hand, or introduce you casually and with dismissal to her, because she likely knew you were "his former girlriend" but unlikely that she knew he had a hookup option going on.......because of where your focus and priorities were analyzing "what his actions meant".

But that said, anybody wit common sense says "hey, when my world gets blown apart, I take a few months to restructure, reprioritize, redesign what is my life before trying to get involved with anybody else, including in any way the person who broke my heart".

I've been in FWB....and obviously that was a very discussed agreement....but we prioritized the friendship at all costs. And when he decided to end the benefits becuase he found someone, not only did he applaud me saying "let's not do more than be socially polite until I recontact you more personally"...he was on the one to say (and man I applaud this stance) "in light of what we've had, let's acknowledge that we can't go back to sharing emotional moments, and intimacies and hopes and dreams. If she becomes the woman in my life, taht is what I reserve for her."

Kudos on that one to him!

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 6:21pm
No, I don't care what he thinks. I'm trying to figure out what's best for me, honest. I just know he thinks everything is fine and dandy so my not answering his calls will cause him to call more and email or whatever. But, I also don't know if its necessary to email or tell him when he calls. I just honestly wish he would disappear or that I was moving tomorrow. I honestly don't care what he thinks of me, he knows I am too good for this BS, and he will figure it out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 6:23pm
Yes, alcohol is the reason I don't remember. Or else, I was walking in front of him and didn't see her. I had no idea who she was. And, it sounds as if he brushed her off. But, certainly did call later to save face. She can have him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 6:39pm
Hi, Linds,
I'm going to risk adding to the chatter here, and tell you what I think.
First, let me say that I don't think you're the only one to blame for all that has happened. Yeah, it sounds like he's played some nasty mind-games. And, yeah, it was unfortunate that a phone call, "casual" sex with him, a conversation with his best friend, and some alcohol made things worse. In the end, though, none of that matters. It doesn't matter who did what to whom. Because in the end, the only thing you have to consider is "Does my current situation make me happy?"
Linds, you don't sound happy to me or anyone else on this board (at least, based on what others have written). You DESERVE to be happy. He is NOT making you happy. This relationship, as it is, is NOT making you happy.
So, yes, I agree with everyone else: it's time to put your head up, throw your shoulders back, and walk away.
Because, in the end, you gotta watch out for yourself.
It sounds like you know that's what you want, too. Find friends, pets, random message-boarders (*wink*) to support you in this! You NEED to do this for YOU!
We're here for you,
~S
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 6:40pm
Thank you lilgrace. I am walking away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 6:45pm
Thanks. It definitely is not making me happy. I want and deserve so much more. I realize how silly I have been now. I guess I needed to hit rock bottom, I definitely did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 6:49pm

Honey you taught him this was fine with you....he doesn't know that you're "worth more than this" - he thinks this is precisely what you're worth and have in mind as a result of your compliance and agreement with it up to this point.

What you're saying is "the minute it hurt my feelings it was not okay" - which is fine. But your feelings are yours to determine, define and take responsiblity for. You didn't hook up saying "until this hurts my feelings then go away and I"ll tell you when that is."

You've taught him that you're like Burger King - have it your way. HE keeps calling and emailing because you don't tell him "there is no more burgers here for you."

What you involve in tells people what you want, need, and waht you're worth in your own opinion. Don't expect other people to treat you better than you treat yourself.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com