Sex w/ the EX blew up in my face!! help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sex w/ the EX blew up in my face!! help!
54
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 12:09pm

Well I think most of you know my story. My bf and I broke up 2 months ago. I didn't talk to him for a few weeks. Then decided I wanted to be friends b/c I'm moving in May. So, eventually we ended up sleeping together. In the last week, I've stayed with him twice. I thought I would be okay, and be able to just enjoy him and his company until I leave.

He picked me up from the airport on Sat. night and we went to dinner and then out with his friends. He is treating me great, just like when we were dating, almost better in a sense. I mean we acted like a couple all night.

I have been praying for a sign as to whether I was doing the right thing. Well when we left dinner on Sat. night, we drove a little ways and he realized he left his cell phone. Well we went back and I jumped out to grab it because he was driving. Well, as I went to grab the phone, it was ringing. A girl I've never heard of was calling. So, when I got to the car I said who's so and so. And, he acted so incredibly strange. Instead of just saying a friend or whatever. Well, as you can imagine I kept asking. And, he basically told me it was a girl in my law school class that he hooked up with once. He said I don't understand why you would want to know this, I mean I know we're not together, but I still have feelings for you and I wouldn't want to know about some guy calling you at all. (this kills me, I mean we're not together so he shouldn't care, he's the one that wanted it this way, not me) I want the commitment and him all to myself.

So, at this point he became kind of cold and was like maybe I should just go out with my friends and I'll talk to you later because I know you are going to ask me about this all night. Well, I should have left right then, but didnt. Then he was like well lets still go out but just promise you wont ask me about that. So, we got ready and went out and I never did ask about it again, well not to him.

During the evening, I spoke to one of his friends who I like and respect a lot and he does me as well. So, of course I asked about the girl, and at first he tried to cover up. But then he told me, that my ex had just hooked up with her one night, but he knows he didnt sleep with her. And, he proceeded to tell me how I was so much prettier. Then he was like he would kill me if he knew I was telling you any of this (which he would). So, I don't know why the friend was doing this.

And then, out of nowhere, he (my exes best friend here) was like "but you should know that he talks about you all the time", so do what you want with that basically. This nearly made me start crying in the bar. I guess he was saying he really still cares for you or whatever.

Well, soon my ex and I left. We got up the next morning and went to church and to brunch. Just like we used to when we were dating. But, I felt so sad the entire time. I think he had to have known. He asked me what was wrong a few times, and I just said nothing. Before we left the house, while he was in the shower, I looked in his cell phone to see if he had ever called this girl back. Well he had, when he was with me (3 times). That really hurt. I also found out her last name and now know who she is.

Well when we got back to his house after church/brunch, I got my stuff togther to get ready to leave. He asked me whether he should tell his sister I had been there and all of that. She is also a good friend of mine, but has always been way to nosy about our relationship, so we have been keeping it from her, sort of, that we have been hanging out. Well I just told him I don't care what he tells her, but now that someone else is involved (she knows this other girl, and I'm sure she knows they hooked up) I told him I don't want to look stupid. I guess I had been naively thinking that he wasnt really seeing other girls. And, that's why I thought what we were doing was okay. But, then there it was right in my face. And, its so ironic how it happened.

Well he was like what do you mean involved, and I said this other girl is involved now. And he was just like it was one time and its no big deal. So, I was like what does she look like, and he just said oh you're so much prettier, but she's funny (what the heck does that mean).

Then he goes, but I'm sure you pretty much took care of that. Apparently, as we were leaving the bar together on Sat. night, we ran into her. I guess I don't remember it b/c I didn't know exactly who she was at the time. And, I kind of laughed about it. He was like yeah she grabbed my arm and I was kind of rude to her. So, she saw us together. I was like oh don't worry I probably did you a favor, she will want you more now that she saw you with me. He was like dont say stuff like that. I'm assuming now that he must have been calling her to save face or keep his options open (I guess that says he must care what she thinks).

So anyway, I called my Mom (she's my best friend) as soon as I got in the car and just cried and cried. I know I just have to stop. I mean he was my boyfriend, now we're in this weird casual limbo where he's hooking up with other girls. And, I am still completely in love with him. But, its seems like he has all of these feelings for me too (sometimes I think he's in love w/ me and doesnt even know it) and I just don't understand why he wont commit, why is he willing to lose me. He has even said when we broke up and now, how he knows he is making a huge mistake. He even told me that is what he told his parents. So, I just don't think I can handle it anymore.

I am sure he thinks everything is fine, and that we will see each other again soon. He called yesterday after I left just to tell me that he told his sister everything, so I didn't get caught lying to her. I didn't answer or call back.

I don't know whether I should email and tell him to leave me alone or just not take his calls. This situation has been so hard for me and is so complicated because I may/will run into him at school for the next month and also b/c I'm friends with his sister. She talks about him all the time, even when I asked her not to. So, I don't really know how to approach this.

Any ideas? I'm so sad, and just want to do whatever its going to take to make me feel better. But, I'm afraid I'm going to miss him too much. I don't know....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 6:50pm

But don't you see, being "caught" with you probably ends his option to "have her". Which is going ot mean you're more of his "guarantee source of sex" than ever. Until he replaces you...and he wasn't looking to "replace" you - just to expand on his options with other people.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 7:59pm

I suppose you could be right. But, that is something that is hard to say when you don't even know the person you are talking about. And, it doesnt matter what he thinks I'm worth or not worth, I need to end it to get back my self-respect and dignity. There was an implied, although not express agreement that he was not hooking up with others. I mean he kept mentioning that I was the only person he was sleeping with, without being asked. So, now he will know that that type of thing is not okay with me.

Question, are you trying to make a point b/c all of your posts seem more like an attack on my character than anything else. Maybe I'm wrong....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 10:26pm
Honey, I know this hurts but he is going to continue to do things with you AND other girls as long as he can have both!!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 2:10pm

Definitely not an attack on your character....but what really got you into this situation was a lack of awareness about what you wanted oher than "in the moment", with a denial about what was going on, and a lack of honest communication as a result of the lack of self-awarenss and denial of facts.....that is a "pattern" of behavior that you don't want to repeat.

Getting caught up in situational detail often has you overlooking the pattern in which you operate. Yuo're saying you don't want to get caught in this position again. My thought is that for you to actually "learn" the lesson from this experience so that you get what you want - never to be in this position again - you have to see he pattern...not just the results of your action and the feelings about the situation.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 2:45pm
I think I understand. You are saying I need to recognize the pattern of doing something without really really thinking it through?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 4:17pm

Right...when all you ever do is think to the point of instant gratification and then 'go for it"- when you get the longer term results you're going "wait, stop, this hurts, I don't want this".

You can avoid the long-term destruction by forgoing the instant gratification, if you'll prioritize your long term goals over your short term benefit. But that's up to you to do -b ecause your values and priorities determine your needs and goals....nobody can do that for you. So what's right for you- might be wrong for someone else and vice versa.

Also, never assume that what you're wanting to get - is what the other person is wanting to get.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 10:34pm

okkkk....

so, maybe adding in to the little banter here will be neither necessary nor useful - but, seeing that im apparently procrastinating away a very important stats assignment right now anyways - im gonna throw in my two cents ...

after reading all 20-something posts, i cant help but get an uneasy feeling... i feel as though we are all offering our opinions and telling linds what was really going on with her situation as though that realllly was it - but truth is, how do we know?? WE DONT.

although its easy for some of us to paint a black and white picture of him being the typical man and her being the delusioned girl...quite honestly, no matter how wise and experienced each one of us are, none of us will ever really be able to give a full precise picture of linds and her ex's situation other than what we each see through a few paragraphs posted on a message board...

when two people are together, dynamics often run so wild that its not surprising that even the two individuals involved get confused themselves! so, i dont think its fair to offer conclusions on the situation or mindset of anyone as if that IS the case - its really not that simple.

unforutnately ive been back on this site posting here again about my (now again) ex - and while its easy for other ivillagers to conclude that i am delusioned about his feelings for me, how he may have been thinkig about ending it for awhile now, how maybe he wasnt as happy as i perceived him to be...but seriously, how would one know?? was anyone there when i saw his eyes light up when i walked in the room?? has anyone been in his head?? is anyone there when we were fighting or laughing?? did he tell anyone of you that he just doesnt love me enough?? does anyone know him well enough to read him like a textbook?? basically - can someone honestly tell me that what they think happened with my ex and i, or how they analyze him - is EXACTLY IT..?? no one can do that for me, and i cant do that for anyone...

im not saying that the advice or opinion here is wrong or unappreciated...that is NOT the case. im SOOOO grateful for the replies ive received, and SOOO appreciative of the support and advice ive been given here; and im positive that you all feel the same as well! :) we're all here seeking for second opinions, support, and advice...and to dish it all out as well...but really - thats it. as fellow friends here, the best we can do is offer our support to one another and then some personal insight, but i dont believe we have definitive answers for one another and treat our personal analysis of someone else's situation as though we are 100% correct.

linds, there could be a million explanations to his behaviour, and another thousands of paths for you to choose... i mean, maybe he really does love you like THAT... maybe when he said: "i know im making a mistake" - he truly means that but for whatever reason just isnt ready to have a commtited relationship at the moment. just maybe, hes sleeping with you not because he's just horny but because he wants to connect with you on an emotional level.. or maybe erin's right - he is sleeping with you because it is simply available for him... or maybe if you stuck with your friendship with him youd end up back together and live happily ever after... maybe you made your decision not because you were in denial but rather because you went with your true instincts and not just with your sexual craving..

really, i can go on and on and on and on with pages worth of explanations and possibilities and options... but at the end of the night when everyone goes to sleep - it doenst matter what may or may not be. in this post, i am not trying to give you hope or slap you with reality, .. rather, what im trying to say is that we ca only tell you what we THINK and its not fair for anyone of us to impose our opinions as though we are right...furthermore, i suggest that instead of analyzing the situation - its probably best to just react to what is at hand.

think about it this way..when someone is murdered - does it reallllly matter what weapon was used, how they were killed, or who the murderer was...because although helpful in analyzing the crime, - at the end of the day, the person is still dead and unfortunately, thats what matters the most. the people affected by the crim now have to accept that and do what they gotta do to handle the situation and move on. i know it sounds grim to use that in my analysis, but - thats kinda' how im trying to see my own situation right now. i can sit here and analyze my ex inside and out (and unfortunately, i still do) - and everyone else can tell me what they think...but it doesnt matter if you think about it .. because when i go to bed, hes not calling me to say goodnight..and the next day when i wake up, hes not text messaging me from work. and that is all i really have to work with... :(

so pretty much, DESPITE IT ALL...despite what happened, what he feels, what you should do...the situation at hand is one that does NOT make you happy. so what are you gonna do??
and i mean, waht are you gonna do FOR YOU???

i know its soo much easier said than done - believe me. but, we'll all figure it out... i think life has its way of sorting out on its own, and eventually - our bodies defense mechanisms will click in. til then, it just sucks - right?? lol

linds - i know the situation is icky, and my heart reaches out to you - please feel free to drop me a line anytime! hope my post isnt too boring...hope all gets well -

hugs -
eeksj.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 8:31am
You sure do use "like" a lot. But, I'm going through exactly the same thing you are. I just don't know where he/I stand. A friend of mine offered me this book called "He's just not that into you". Great advise. If he's interested....he'll call.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 10:44am

I think you've gotten a lot of useful feedback in understanding how our own actions and behaviors affect our lives.

However, you received very little in the way of answering your repeated questions on how to proceed.

I say, if he continues to contact you, send an e-mail that simply says "I need to move on. I appreciate your not contacting me. thanks."

As for the sister, either be firm that you really need to NOT hear about him, or, better yet, back off of that friendship for awhile also. If she is truly a friend, she will either zip the lip on the brother conversations, or understand your need for space right now.

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 10:57am

Well, the problem is you're trying to gauge something off "feelings"...which are transitional, they're personall determined based on individual needs, priorities, values, and goals.......and that is why you're "confused".

In situations that offer us pleasure, attention, adoration, or benefit - we're all "feeling good". And we're not going to deny the feeling of "feeling good".

But that's "I like the feeling as a result of this situation"...it's not "I value partnership and I respect and admire your character and values and as a result of that, I want you in my life."

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com