Sex w/ the EX blew up in my face!! help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sex w/ the EX blew up in my face!! help!
54
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 12:09pm

Well I think most of you know my story. My bf and I broke up 2 months ago. I didn't talk to him for a few weeks. Then decided I wanted to be friends b/c I'm moving in May. So, eventually we ended up sleeping together. In the last week, I've stayed with him twice. I thought I would be okay, and be able to just enjoy him and his company until I leave.

He picked me up from the airport on Sat. night and we went to dinner and then out with his friends. He is treating me great, just like when we were dating, almost better in a sense. I mean we acted like a couple all night.

I have been praying for a sign as to whether I was doing the right thing. Well when we left dinner on Sat. night, we drove a little ways and he realized he left his cell phone. Well we went back and I jumped out to grab it because he was driving. Well, as I went to grab the phone, it was ringing. A girl I've never heard of was calling. So, when I got to the car I said who's so and so. And, he acted so incredibly strange. Instead of just saying a friend or whatever. Well, as you can imagine I kept asking. And, he basically told me it was a girl in my law school class that he hooked up with once. He said I don't understand why you would want to know this, I mean I know we're not together, but I still have feelings for you and I wouldn't want to know about some guy calling you at all. (this kills me, I mean we're not together so he shouldn't care, he's the one that wanted it this way, not me) I want the commitment and him all to myself.

So, at this point he became kind of cold and was like maybe I should just go out with my friends and I'll talk to you later because I know you are going to ask me about this all night. Well, I should have left right then, but didnt. Then he was like well lets still go out but just promise you wont ask me about that. So, we got ready and went out and I never did ask about it again, well not to him.

During the evening, I spoke to one of his friends who I like and respect a lot and he does me as well. So, of course I asked about the girl, and at first he tried to cover up. But then he told me, that my ex had just hooked up with her one night, but he knows he didnt sleep with her. And, he proceeded to tell me how I was so much prettier. Then he was like he would kill me if he knew I was telling you any of this (which he would). So, I don't know why the friend was doing this.

And then, out of nowhere, he (my exes best friend here) was like "but you should know that he talks about you all the time", so do what you want with that basically. This nearly made me start crying in the bar. I guess he was saying he really still cares for you or whatever.

Well, soon my ex and I left. We got up the next morning and went to church and to brunch. Just like we used to when we were dating. But, I felt so sad the entire time. I think he had to have known. He asked me what was wrong a few times, and I just said nothing. Before we left the house, while he was in the shower, I looked in his cell phone to see if he had ever called this girl back. Well he had, when he was with me (3 times). That really hurt. I also found out her last name and now know who she is.

Well when we got back to his house after church/brunch, I got my stuff togther to get ready to leave. He asked me whether he should tell his sister I had been there and all of that. She is also a good friend of mine, but has always been way to nosy about our relationship, so we have been keeping it from her, sort of, that we have been hanging out. Well I just told him I don't care what he tells her, but now that someone else is involved (she knows this other girl, and I'm sure she knows they hooked up) I told him I don't want to look stupid. I guess I had been naively thinking that he wasnt really seeing other girls. And, that's why I thought what we were doing was okay. But, then there it was right in my face. And, its so ironic how it happened.

Well he was like what do you mean involved, and I said this other girl is involved now. And he was just like it was one time and its no big deal. So, I was like what does she look like, and he just said oh you're so much prettier, but she's funny (what the heck does that mean).

Then he goes, but I'm sure you pretty much took care of that. Apparently, as we were leaving the bar together on Sat. night, we ran into her. I guess I don't remember it b/c I didn't know exactly who she was at the time. And, I kind of laughed about it. He was like yeah she grabbed my arm and I was kind of rude to her. So, she saw us together. I was like oh don't worry I probably did you a favor, she will want you more now that she saw you with me. He was like dont say stuff like that. I'm assuming now that he must have been calling her to save face or keep his options open (I guess that says he must care what she thinks).

So anyway, I called my Mom (she's my best friend) as soon as I got in the car and just cried and cried. I know I just have to stop. I mean he was my boyfriend, now we're in this weird casual limbo where he's hooking up with other girls. And, I am still completely in love with him. But, its seems like he has all of these feelings for me too (sometimes I think he's in love w/ me and doesnt even know it) and I just don't understand why he wont commit, why is he willing to lose me. He has even said when we broke up and now, how he knows he is making a huge mistake. He even told me that is what he told his parents. So, I just don't think I can handle it anymore.

I am sure he thinks everything is fine, and that we will see each other again soon. He called yesterday after I left just to tell me that he told his sister everything, so I didn't get caught lying to her. I didn't answer or call back.

I don't know whether I should email and tell him to leave me alone or just not take his calls. This situation has been so hard for me and is so complicated because I may/will run into him at school for the next month and also b/c I'm friends with his sister. She talks about him all the time, even when I asked her not to. So, I don't really know how to approach this.

Any ideas? I'm so sad, and just want to do whatever its going to take to make me feel better. But, I'm afraid I'm going to miss him too much. I don't know....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 9:52pm

Here's a good sugggestion...and it's complete with an example:

Let's say that you're at a party, you look across the room and there he is. Does he see you - you're not sure. Will he talk to you - you're not sure. And you don't control those things either.

So here's what i would do....depending on the result that you're wanting to achieve.

If you're wanting to be a wilting flower who's behavior screams "I'm incomplete and immature, I need help, I need assistance".....what you'll do is one of these two responses.

When you see him....you'll stare, you'll turn white, you'll shake, you'll drop your drink, you'll gulp and want to puke. You'll start fidgeting and sweating, you won't be able to concentrate, you'll instantly begin to form conversations and retorts to him and with him in your head...despite the fact he's across the room, with his date on his arm, and you're not sure i fhe sees you or not.

All this is going to let people know that you consider 'him" to be God incarnate, that he's the best thing that will ever happen to inferior, inadequate, immature, insecure you...and by God, now that he doesn't wnt you you're a worthless entity - not worthy of conversation, a second glance, a casual interest. You might be a good service provider for a short term loan, or a one night stand.

How you conduct yourself speaks to YOUR self-esteem....not how he treats you makes you worth "X" or "Y".

LEt's say instead of the above....you turn and run, putting your drink down, you're flustered and upset, you won't listen when your friends ask "have you had too much to drink, should you be driving". In a panic and with focus all you know is that if you do NOT get out of the vicinity of this man and his date that you're going to fall apart, you're going to melt, you're going to fall into the crack of the earth and never to be seen again. You've got to get out...and in running out, spilling drinks, taking no heed of friendly concern, offering no good bys or handshakes......the message you send to the world is the same above.

That is NOT "no contact".....no contact is simply you realizing that what yoou wanted with him, isn't good for your long term goals and interst and so you not do not "willingly reassociate" - if he calls up and wants to go for a ride, or for a beer. That's "no contact"...that's you having no personal, self or other initiated contact with him solely for "whatever reason.

What "no contact" is NOT...is the above responses that leave you terrified of his presence lest you melt into a puddle leaving you worth less than you believe you already are.

No contact isn't a solution or cure...it's the time hwen you don't socialize by personal choice with him as a result of you putting yoru life into a place where "with him" would no longer be desired.

Now....here is what I would do.........I'd go to the parties I wanted to go to, hang with the friends I know and like. I'd continue the interests I had that we shared, and I would be socially polite but distant from him in all situations where you find yourself together. I wouldn't stay at the party "dreading' his coming over...I'd walk myself over past him with head held high in self-appreciation, say "hey Paul, nice to see you, have a good time tonight" and walk on. You've now "had contact" on your terms.......and it shows that you're not thinking he's got "power and control" over you in any way - where you go or what you do, who you affiliate with or what you want in life...that you're in full control and authority over yourself, thank you very much.

You also send th emessage that "just becuase he doens't want what I want doesn't mean that I should "act a witch". That let's people know that you think with your head - not your heart....and that you give him the right to "want what he wants" and you require yourself to be distant and disassociated as a result of the fact that you two don't share the same values and priorities, at least right now.

But you hiding in yourroom, going nowhere he goes, having a nervous breakdown whenever you see him wondering "what is he thinking about me, is he going to come over here" - that will get you nowhere but the psychologists office, the school counseling program, or eventually into a 12-step group.

It's not a problemto have feelings...but what you do about those feelings determines your destiny. Thus, feelings are not facts, goals, or calls to action, nor tools of cognition. YOu're going to have feelings about every situation..and trying to "deal with feelings" is immature and pointless. Deal with facts, in the present, to reach your goals...the feelings that'll result from that approach to life in general will be quite gratifying to have in your life.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 10:09pm

I completely get what you are saying. I guess I was just trying to avoid those situations all together. I would not ever do one of the first two options. The No Contact analysis makes complete sense though. I'm just afraid that I will get stuck in a conversation with him somehow. Also, I seriously doubt that he would bring a date to any of these parties, but he may very well spend his time talking to all the females.

Erin, you have never said whether you think I should send the email to him to let him know where I stand, or just try to blow him off. What is your opinion on that? At this point, I have only gotten the "whats your problem" text message based on how I acted in a brief passing with him at the library. I think I was polite and I said hello, so I don't know what he was expecting.

This is what I was thinking of sending...

"There really is no problem. I have been really busy and was not feeling well when I saw you at the library. However, after this weekend, I just realized that I did not think this "casual" relationship thing through, at all, and after having the fact that you are clearly pursuing other girls thrown right in my face, it just isn't what I want. I thought that it would be fun to spend more time with you before I left, but its just not fun anymore. I don't want to share you, and it hurts me that you would want to share me.

Obviously, we are not capable of being strictly platonic friends, we have proven that. So, the only option is to stop talking, seeing, touching all together. Please respect that."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 9:13am
Honestly, it sounds ok what you wrote, for you only to have it straight in your mind, but too much for him. I sent things like that as well, explaining my feelings and his actions and that it's over or just not enough, and I got a "well ok, if thats how you want it" response. Of course its not how I wanted it, but its how it was because of him. They will turn it around and make it like its your decision. And frankly we are usually not strong enough to leave it like that because it leaves a slight glimmer of hope that maybe he did want more????? And it wasn't until a month later that I realized that telling him that stuff didn't matter, and was actually way too much and childish. They are not invested or affected at all by whats happening. Except when you drop it and let it go and seem unaffected as well. Then they know they have lost you, you don't light up when they are around and they think... whats the problem. Its a game, I'm sorry. Yes they still have feelings, they also have pretty big ego's. Nobody likes to be rejected, even if they aren't all that interested in the long term. He wants to know, whats the big deal? We were having a good time right? And he can have a good time with you and HER and whoever, so whats your problem? You are still AFFECTED by him (so am I and everyone that still has tender feelings for someone) All that said
I think you should not explain or even give a reason for being standoffish at the library. When you run into him again, or he calls you directly, just be cool about it. Act like you don't know what he's talking about? Smile, and be kinda busy. You've got to be somewhere, so see ya later k? And keep moving. It shows you are ok still, like whats his problem? You don't have to be cold, or avoid him. And at a party, smile and be normal, if he comes to talk to you, talk for a second about something amazing in your life and then say oh, theres so and so, see ya around and leave the situation. Explaining that you are done was established when you broke up. Now you will just have other better things to do, when he wants some booty. Not a big deal, right? He wont know what happened but you will have saved face and basically accepted that you two became fwb and you dont want the benefits anymore. Of course if he asks you point blank, tell him you don't want to do it anymore, that you'd rather just be good friends. But don't offer that unless he pins you down for answers. And really, if he does demand answers, than he was more invested and he shouldn't have broken up or been hooking up with others, he was being a real jerk. Then you can share with him that you don't appreciate that or deserve it.
You will be so proud of yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 10:59am

As for the message to him, here's where you're at.

What you willingly engaged in was no obligation, non exclusive sexual activity. So that as an "entity" - I'm sure you know, is a rare thing for a guy to find. And you've found it doesn't work for you - the way it doesn't for most women.

And so in order to let him know that you're not going to do this anymore....you do have to tell him. You willingly did it and until he knows that it is no longer a possibility - there is every "chance" you might again - and he'll keep contacting for 'chances'.

Also realize he loves your attention and adoration. That is a huge part of what has kept this casual sex thing together (same with you - you loved his attention and you made alot of assumptions on it and acted on them as facts.) So, he's also not going to want to give up the "chance"...or the attention. Either one is good, both is a double score bonus.

So you sending that email is fine. It lets him know where your head is at, and waht you won't be engaging in anymore. Do realize you're asking him to respect your request. He might or might not. If he doesn't, it speaks to his character not yours. And if he doesn't, you responding back or getting "stuck" in a conversation is something you control.

You have feet and hands and a pretty good head on your shoulders apparently...use your head to direct your hands or feet to put down the phone or move on.....if you find yourself engaged in conversation with him. YOu can extricate yourself socially, with grace and dignity...that leaves you proud of how you conduct yourself...and him less inclined to seek more instant, no obligation gratification. The more explosive, repeated, or attention getting your approach to "getting im to stop is"...the chances of you getting what you want is almost nil. He likes attention, and your repeated "requests" to respect yoru request is attention - don't forget it.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 1:11pm

my two cents...

i wouldnt bother with the letter/explanation. why give that to him?? what is it going to do?? by sending it to him - ulimately, youre still holding onto something yourself... last year, when my ex and i originally broke up - i would explain my "NC" to him and why it was necessary .. at the time, it seemed like the honourable thing to do ... but to tell you the truth, i did that because i soooo secretly deep down inside wanted him to stop me - i wanted him to say back: "no, you have to be in my life." .SOMETHING... and when he didnt say that to me, and said instead: "fine, if thats what you want" - i wanted to BLOW up..believe me, it was only more upsetting..

so, you'll send it, and then check anxiously for a reply, and when he does send you one back - youll analyze it inside and out, or if he doesnt write you back - youll start analyzing that! so why go through all that charade?? just mentally move on in your life, and should you ever come across him - just brush him off politely.. if he then asks you for an explanation, a simple: "hey, yah - i think its just better this way.. i gotta go though, have a good day!" is sufficient.

hope you figure it out, goodluck - keep us posted,
eeksj.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 1:23pm

and oh - one more thing! :)

yes - he may sit there and think that there is still a "chance"... but newsflash - that dumb fool can sit there and think that all he wants! .. a "chance" only exists whether or not YOU give it to him... and if you dont - then there isnt one. so what if he sits there and thinks that, he can sit there and think that cows sing until they come prancing in for all he wants... furthermore, by being nonchalant and ignoring him - he WILL get the point eventually - and you would have done so with much more dignity!

goodluck again -
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 3:47pm

Yeah I agree. I am especially not going to send it when all he's done is send me a text message asking what's my problem. I am honestly a little surprised and hurt that he hasn't called this week, even though I am moving on, it still hurts. It just proves even more how little he really does care.

Of course, I ran into him at school again today. I stopped and said hello, he asked why I was so dressed up, I explained that I had a mock trial today. And, that was it. It's so weird and sad to go from him being my best friend to nothing, I guess that is what makes breakups so hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 4:06pm

linds,

hugs.

i honestly know how you feel... and really, there isnt much anyone can do or say to erase that hurt...but, this doesnt last forever - as hard as it is to believe...at one point, our minds and bodies just snap, and we begin to recover. i know it means nothing now when youre feeling down - but its true.

i hope you dont send him that email, and stay strong. personally, i really dont think itll do anything. if youre mentally decide to move on - thats what you gotta do... emailing him to explain why, is actually just setting you back. trust me, i did that - last year, i would think in my head how much i needed to cut him out, and so id sit there and tell him "i cant be friends with you" - and hed say back: "k fine, if thats what you want." .. and it would hit me then, that i was sooo secretly hoping hed beg for me to change my mind - and id agonize even more. it wasnt until i realized that it was ME who REALLY needed to do this for MYSELF...that i needed to stop thinking about "him" or "us" and that it HAD to be about "me" - i just cut him out.. i didnt even tell him, i just stopped giving him that time of my day... and believe me, its a lot more effective and invigourating!

cause honestly, he can sit there and think all he wants... let him. it doesnt matter if he thinks he still has that part of you, or a chance to get back in the sack with you - .. as long as YOU dont think so, then haha to him!

the worse part about deciding to cut someone out - is when they actually let you.. and thats why youre sad that he hasnt called this week. i know how it feels - i was there last summer, and im back again .. but it'll be ok .. :) .. "healing" is like climbing a hill.. the walk up is SOOO long and SOOO painful..but really, as soon as you pass that hump - everythings smooth sailing. i know its hard to buy into right now - but i guess we just gotta' keep truckin!

im an emotional mess myself too - really i am. its horrible to cause im sooo stressed with school and work and extracurriculars right now...and i just want his hug so badly to make it better :( .. but if you ever feel like venting - send me a shout!

hugs,
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 4:28pm

lol - and one more thing again!

"It's so weird and sad to go from him being my best friend to nothing, I guess that is what makes breakups so hard."

i couldnt agree with you anymore!! its not even the giving up of a relationship thats hard...its so much of the "we were once THAT ... to wtf, THIS?!" personally, ive always been someone who has trouble "letting go." - i hate that concept! (even though i know i have to!)
and so its sooo hard for me to let go of my support, let go of my dreams with someone, let go of his holding my hand, let go of a best friend... :(

my ex used to text message me everyday (hec, we spent over $50 last month on text messaging, at 10 cents a piece, and that didnt include the 100 free incoming and 100 free outgoing i already get!), and then hed call me when he was done work, and then we'd get together - and all of a sudden - theres nothing... i used to love how hed grab my hand and put it in the pocket in front of his sweatshirt...and now nothing... i used to love how he felt the urge to tell me everything - and now, he doesnt even call... i used to love how if i had a bad day - i knew hed hug me as soon as i walked through his door ... and now, hes not even there for me as a friend...

my mind has a hard time grasping this concept...

blah!
eeksj :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 7:18pm
Exactly, and what I am experiencing right now, as tears roll down my face, is how much I only want to talk to him. In a sense I want him there to help me deal with sadness about him (if that makes sense)! The truth is he probably doesn't give a flip what I'm thinking or feeling or whether I'm sad. He is probably trying to save face with the new hook up in his life.