She broke it off - she still calls !!
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| Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:20am |
Some of you know this already, and you have been SO supportive. Split up with my girlfriend of 2 years in February. We've been On again/Off again till about a month ago, when she started calling less, coming around less, etc. She told me that it's really, really important to her to remain friends - she "see's me as someone who will be in her life forever." So do I. Now, we didn't really communicate too well in these last few months. But we DID sit down last Thursday and hash out everything that's been happening since the "break-up". She said that soon after the break, she thought she wanted to try to make things work again (she never told ME) and that's why we were on/off so much. Well, I told her that I feel strongly for her still and can't imagine her with someone else (even though she went on a date 2 weeks ago), so until I can get there, I will need time away from her. She said she understood. She also said that I was the best boyfreind she's ever had, and that she didn't really want us to plot out how much space we'd have right now - to "play it by ear". Hmmmm. We've got a few mutual things in each others apartments that we need to get to each other, so we know that we have to deal with that still. But here's the thing:
Thursday we met and talked till midnight. That's when I told her that if we aren't together, I need space to heal. She CALLS ME on Friday, just to say 'hi 'and to let me know what she's doing on Saturday. No contact Saturday, Sunday or Monday. But she apologises for NOT calling on Sunday. (???) Then she calls me yesterday to tell me she's going out of town on a business trip and doesn't know if her cell will work, and that she'll call me when she gets back into town. I though I made myself clear. I love her and want her back, and she knows this, but if SHE is following through with the split, I need some space. So here's my main question: What is illiciting this behavior? I mean, I love to hear her voice, but she KNOWS I'm still in pain and miss her. She claimed to understand what i was saying on Thursday. I just don't understand what she's doing.
Plus, I can't shake the picture of her at this convention in Vegas. She's incredibly attractive and gets hit on CONSTANTLY. It's painful, but I can't stop thinking about her surrounded by all these guys and wondering about her night life. I had nightmares of her talking and flirting with other guys. It's really bothering me, and I know she won't be back till Friday night. Any insight would be nice!! THANKS!!
ps - northwestwanderer, I WANT to get space and NC with my ex after we get each others belongings on Tuesday, but until then, it's really bothering me.

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Your ex wants whatever it is that she wants, which confuses you but seems to me to be pretty obviously about her selfish needs for attention and you as a safety net. Right now that is not consistent with what you want and what you need to heal. So stop giving her what she wants. Stop answering the phone when she calls. Turn off your phone if you must. If she calls and says she's sorry for not calling during the weekend, and you can't stop yourself from answering, ask her why she's calling now. If you end up on the line with her, despite this advice, repeat your request - if she doesn't want to be together as gf/bf, then you need space and time to get over your feelings, and you have asked her to respect your feelings by giving you some space without contact. I don't think you should do even this, though. No contact means none. You've got some sort of arrangement to exchange the "things." If you feel you must answer her calls or whatever before then because of that arrangement, limit the conversation to logistics of exchanging the stuff. If she drifts off topic, interrupt and focus back on exchanging things, then say that you're awfully busy and just have to go and hang up.
She'll do whatever she wants to do. It's up to you to remove yourself from a painful back and forth with her. She's ambivalent, she's needy, she's selfish, whatever, that's her problem. Your problem is that you cannot or will not stick to your resolve of no contact until you're over her. Look, I've had a stalker for *years.* I don't respond to his emails, block him from IMing me, block his phone number from all of mine, don't answer calls where I don't recognize the number, send back any letter or package from him with a "refused" label, just generally absolutely refuse to engage in any kind of relationship by allowing him to communicate with me. Mine is much more persistent than your ex-gf, I think. And I think that's part of your pain, sweetie, and I understand but you need to accept it - in all likelihood, if you strictly enforce no contact, she will disappear from your life. She is immature and selfish, and will go get her needs met elsewhere, her need for attention, her need to feel attractive by teasing and tormenting you, whatever. That will hurt in the short term, but is best for you in the long term. You're thinking of her continued contact in violation of your wishes as somehow romantic or desirable, but it is, in fact, no different from my stalker. Behave accordingly.
You cannot hold a torch for your beautiful, flighty, selfish ex forever. I have no doubt that she is charming and charismatic and that your throat closes up and your heart squeezes tight when you see her or hear her voice. That is exactly why you must refuse to communicate with or see her, until you can think of her without those effects. You are consciously choosing to hold onto futile love for someone who does not want a relationship with you. You are choosing to hurt yourself, now, by not taking the steps necessary to begin moving on and rebuilding your life and your self confidence. We all have trouble dealing with our post-breakup feelings, but the one thing we have control over is our conduct, and that means no communication with her.
Here here!
I need to stop living with false hope. Her actions ARE very self centered. She's not a bad person, but I suppose you're right. She's looking out for herself right now and I need to do the same for me. It just takes an outside perspective for me to see it. This past weekend I actually felt good for the first time in weeks. But after the call yesterday, I seem to have taken a step backwards. And if anything, my behavior just worsens the situation, whether we ever get back together or not! It's so hard to let it all go.
And remember that eveyr time you talk/see her you start at Ground 0.
Be strong, know you deserve the best and that she isnt able to give it right now.
When I was going through my divorce, we did a group counseling thing. There was one woman there whose husband wanted to separate, not to divorce, exactly, but to separate. I don't think that's the best option, but whatever. The thing was, she didn't want that, either. She didn't want to separate, and she kept saying "no," that she didn't agree to it. But she didn't have a choice, that's the thing. He could maybe give her a separation, or he was filing for divorce. It's not like she could choose that he stay in the marriage. She didn't get it for the longest time, just stubbornly fought acceptance of the separation, just put her head down and said she didn't agree. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter if you agree. You don't have to, it will happen without you. One way or another, that woman's husband was leaving, was terminating their marriage or changing it so that it would never be the same, even if they reunited after the separation. Don't be that woman protesting over and over that this was not your choice. It doesn't have to be your choice. It just is. And once it happens, it changes everything. The relationship you had with your ex, that is over. Even if you got back together tomorrow, it's over, it's forever changed, it will never be as casual and carefree. Your ex doesn't even want to accept that much of reality, wants to believe you can still relate in more or less the same way as you did when together, that this changes things in a small way but not a big, irrevocable way. But it does. Her saying she wanted it over, that changed *everything,* in every way. She's struggling with it, but you shouldn't. It's all different now, so let it be different.
She's keeping you on a string in case she changes her mind, without regard for your feelings. Unless and until you enforce the boundaries you set, it's not going to change.
Sheri
You really do need you space and she should know it buy now. The next time she calls I would tell her that you really can't talk...its to painful and that you'll call her when you're ready. If she continues to call....don't answer and if she is driving you crazy calling alot then get her number blocked at least until you're over her but keep in mind she can call from other #'s
Good luck and keep us posted!!
Also come and stop by the
Last night was one of the first nights I actually slept ALL NIGHT. I usually have horrible dreams and wake up for an hour or so with thoughts of her racing through my mind. But I re-read everyones postings, thought positively and tried to be strong. My emotions are torn; part of me can't wait to see her this weekend, and part of me KNOWS it's just going to set me back. Should I be cool and calm when dealing with her again? Don't be emotional and tell her I missed her? I don't want to play games, but I don't want to feed this rollercoaster. After Tuesday, i can close it all down, but I kind of dread the next few days. Being around her is going to be a HUGE test, and probably pretty painful after she's gone home.
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