She Shows up AGAIN!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
She Shows up AGAIN!
11
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 11:25am

Hi All,

So what's up with this? On February 21st my conflicted ex-gf tells me she hasn't been going to our dance socials because she has a new "serious" bf. I'm crushed. All my posts are there explaining.

But now...she's going all the time! Last week she went twice and I left both times. She forwarded a flyer about an upcoming concert and asked "You don't have to avoid me."

Manipulative. It's like she's completely ignoring everything I said in my emails.

Anyway, so I went this evening, then saw her, the quickly packed up and left discretely.

The organizer kind of smiled and said "I know" because I'd told him to expect this because of what happened.

My heart was in my mouth when I saw her. Dancing was something we enjoyed, now she's going all the time. Where's her "serious" bf?

Too many questions and I DON"T WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS.

I stuck to NO CONTACT. I left. I felt better, but still upset, angry at how she treated me, regretful the relationship ended, second-guessing myself, loss of self-esteem that she's got a new bf and I'm single and hurting. These are my feelings right or wrong.

I'm doing great otherwise, working, exercising, looking good. But I want to be able to go and do these things without them bothering me.

To reply to this conflicted woman would 1) set back my own recovery 2) play into her own ego and need for attention and drama 3) make me look either needy if I told her I missed her...or like a jerk if I told her to get lost....it's no win right now and I need to distance myself from it.

I really hate this feeling. I hate her right now. I hate that she talked down to me, that she ran off to another guy. I hate that I was understanding during our time together. I hate that she told me I was the greatest guy she ever went out with but because I didin't want to marry her, she had to cut it off. I hate that in her last email she admitted that she never worked out a compromise or discussed it.

I don't want to be angry and sad about this. I know feelings aren't facts. These feelings are a kind of barrier to protect me from being hurt any further.

I want to be able to go out and have seeing her be a non-event.

Any insights into "NO CONTACT"? Is it always this hard? Do I really need to leave each time she walks in? I feel I can't stay or I'd feel worse.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 9:53pm

Thanks Sireanita,

I like what you wrote and I like how you wrote it. Yes, we need to take responsibility for our own feelings. It's too easy to play victim and to wallow in our hurt. But that just gets us stuck. There is a bigger world out there and if we're not in it, we'll never move on.

I think those of us who have been hurt or who like me had a dysfunctional upbringing may have been seduced by movies and romance stories where in the end lovers are reunited. But more often than not it's movies like "Annie Hall" or "The Breakup" which are more realistic. The two do go their separate ways. The first time I saw "The Breakup" was before my own....I saw it again recently and I was very sad. It wasn't funny.

I digress...

I think when I initially posted, I was confused by what happened. Now there's greater clarity.

The "labels" might be confusing to readers. The bottom line here is I was coming off a divorce 4 years ago, this was my first serious relationship, I'd been burned by a very brief but hurtful CP relationship and wanted to do the right thing.

She talked a lot about marriage, commitment, kids. I told her I wanted to continue dating and take it slow. Some of her behaviours concerned me. She had her phone cut off because she forgot to pay the bill---she's an investment banker. She slept-in on her friend's wedding ceremony. She came over once drunk for a dinner I'd cooked and passed out. She bought tickets for a movie once, we got in, sat down and were asked to leave. The tickets she'd bought were for the previous day's show. So I was worried....is this someone who I could marry? Or was this someone I would have to babysit? But somewhere along the line I fell in love with her and did care deeply for her.

I couldn't understand how someone who was serious about marriage, kids and commitment wouldn't introduce me to her parents and incorporate me into her life. She claimed she didn't want to put pressure on me...but that seems like a bit of a cop-out. Pressure is "Here's the guy I'm going to marry..." Not, "Here's my bf..." or "Here's the guy I've been seeing and told you about..."

And after reading He's Scared She's Scared, I see now there was a bit of a kind of manipulation, very subtle where the more I held back the more she pushed. She came on very strong, very available. After about 5 months she suddenly started to withdraw. Slowly slowly. Lots of talk of the future....but not a lot of planning for the present.

I also noticed that it was hard to get her to come out to dancing...she was busy, she was tired, she was working....now suddenly...she's coming out 2 times a week and on Saturday's. I encouraged her to join my gym. It was like pulling teeth to get her to come out. Now I notice she's there at least 3-4 times a week on her own (I go every day and I ignore her.)

Again all this is in keeping with the idea that now that the relationship is over, the "pressure" she faces in being in a relationship are over so she can go out and do all these things and not feel "pressure". Read the book, it's very helpful but describes this dynamic more clearly than I can.

You are absolutely right. The more we focus on our partners, the longer it takes for us to focus on ourselves.

Acceptance is difficult. Today I'm feeling better. I realize that if she really wanted to be with me, she wouldn't have let things slip away like that, then blame me for letting them slip away. Then admit she didn't communicate what she wanted.

I like this board because my counsellor suggests I use it to vent and rant rather than doing it on her. I also write emails to her where I vent, then send them to myself. After a day, I read them and am glad I didn't send them.

Tonight I'm going to a party. I asked the organizer whether or not she would be there and was told no.

Tomorrow I'm goign to a concert with two female friends of mine. I told one of my close friends the story and she said not to worry, she'd dress up and we'd have a great time.

People have been very supportive. It's important to tell people it's over. That's a step towards letting go.

It's interesting. People's reactions to my telling them---all have been positive and then they add "You'll get over it and find someone new". In our minds these are huge relationships. But other people see these break ups as sad, but not the end of the world. I think that's important to understand too. Don't you?

Thanks for the note.

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