Shocked by The Breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Shocked by The Breakup
3
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 12:12am

Hi Board!
I need to get this out and I'm looking for some sort of input. I'm losing it here. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months and things were great. He told me he loved me everyday and just made me feel really special. Well...I was going through a period of uncertainty a couple of weeks ago and wasn't sure it was going to work out because our schedules are pretty incompatible, and I started to break it off and we decided we'd take some time to figure things out, but lasted a total of an hour probably. We got past it and this last weekend, something came up. It was really stupid, and I expressed to him that I got my feelings hurt by something. Anyway, we started to talk about it...and I said, I don't know...something's just not right. Anyway, I looked over at him when we got home, and he was in tears. I felt horrible! He said I was trying to intentionally hurt him, which I soooo wasn't. Anyway...we sat there for a bit holding onto each other while he cried and while I tried to convince him that we were gonna be okay. I was telling him how much I loved him and he'd occassionally try to get up to leave, but I wouldn't let him. Eventually I let him go. I immediately went into freak out mode and called him frantically, but he wouldn't take my calls. I may have lost it a bit because I wouldn't stop calling. He texted messaged me and said that we should just end it now and the pain will go away in time....sorry it has to end...please stop calling.

OMG! Of course, I didn't stop calling. I went to his work and text'd him telling him I was there and I really would love to just take a few minutes to talk. He ignored me. I was really upset and left him a note on his truck that thanked him for showing me his true colors early on....that he wasn't the person I thought he was....and basically...that Assholes get no where. I was really upset for him just completely shutting me out.

Anyway...I went to his house today because I knew he'd be home from work. He let me inside. He said ... It's just not going to work, you need to understand that. He said he didn't like the side he seen of me over the last couple of days. I cried and told him that I'm not normally like that, that it's totally out of character, but I had to find a way to talk to him because this is such a shock for me. He cried tooo...and said it's just not going to work. We were hugging and I said I know you love me and he laughed and pushed me away and said "you're crazy!" I said, yes, I'm crazy for you! I told him that I needed more of an explanation than "it's just not going to work." I said, but you've told me you love me...you can't just turn the switch on and off like that. I asked him if he loved me and he said no.

This is all coming from a guy who just sent me the nicest sweetest email telling me how special I am to him. That he couldn't wait to hold me in his arms and show me what he was trying to tell me in the email.

I just don't get it. If he didn't love me and wanted it to be over...why is HE crying? I don't freakin get it. Things were fine...we were discussing a little issue that came up, but it wasn't anything to break up over! I'm absolutely lost and I don't know what else to do.

I wrote him a long long letter asking him to take a closer look, because I honestly feel like he's just scared of getting hurt and he's trying to beat me to the punch. But, I don't know that he'll respond or even read it for that matter.

What the heck do I do????????? I know I have to just leave him alone, hope for the best, and expect the worst, but I am about to go stir crazy!

Can someone please give me some advice...perspective??? Something!???

Thanks :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 2:28am

Hi

You guys have been dating for just a few months, and apparently whatever he thought he felt for you was really infatuation. As soon as a disagreement appeared he is running for the hills, because he does not want to deal with the ups and downs of a relationship and the real you. In addition to this, I do not know what the argument between the two of you was about, but it obviously turned out to be an issue for him, that he does not see as something that can be worked out. For whatever reason, his feelings changed, while yours did not.

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would not give up just because you hurt his feelings, he would come around and try to work things out with you. He obviously does not want to have a relationship with you and you cannot force him to want to have one.
You have made some serious mistakes here and I think you know what they are. Do not repeat these ever again when any guy breaks up with you, because that guy will hurt you again.

These are:
- telling him how much you love him and stopping him from leaving when he wants to.

You think he will stay with you, b/c you love him. He thinks you are needy and clingy and cannot live without him, he doesn’t want to have anything to do with you since you cannot even have a life without him.

- calling him frantically, when he doesn’t want to talk to you and tells you to stop calling him.

You think you can convince him to change his mind. He thinks you are annoying and pushy.

- going to his work and texting him, when he does not want to see you.

You think you can show him your devotion and caring. He thinks you are stalking him and is frightened.

- leaving him notes in which you tell him what an ass he is.

You vent your feelings at him, but to him you appear as a stalker and someone who just won’t face reality and let go of a relationship that to him will never work.

- going to his house because you knew he'd be home from work and facing him, so he can reject you again.

You think: I will get through to him, I must explain to him how much he is missing out on. He thinks you must have lost your mind since you are still hanged up on him.

- asking him if he loves you.

You think you will tell him you love him and he must love you too, b/c there was something between the two of you. He thinks you are crazy: ‘I mean how can she think I love her after I told her so many mean things.’

- writing a letter to him asking him, begging him to reconsider.

You feel like he's just scared of getting hurt and is ending it now because he is afraid you will dump him eventually and he doesn’t know what is good for him. He thinks, she is trying so hard to win me back, and she is scaring me, it’s a good thing that I got rid of her now, because who knows how difficult it would have been later to put up with all this drama.

He cries because he does not know what to say to you, and how to handle the situation. He wants out, so he acts like an a$$hole, so you would leave him alone.

You ask: What the heck do I do?????????

Let him be by himself. You have to move on from this situation and start to accept the facts. He does not want to be with you, and you cannot make him change his mind. You are only pushing him away when you do the things you do and you are driving yourself crazy. I know things did not turn out the way you wanted them to, but being in a relationship is a two-way streak, you can’t have one without the other person willing to be in it with you.

I know this hurts you, because you care about him. However you must realize that you see things differently than he does and it is not up to you to make him see it your way. He is entitled to his own opinion and feelings and you have to respect that he chose to move on. It is not easy, but you really do not want to be in a relationship with someone who des not want to be in a relationship with you.

Someone wise once told me that there is nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who does not care about you. This is very true, you may think it will work, but it will never work, because you cannot make someone care about you if they don’t. If you care about someone and the other person does not care about you, this other person will end up hurting you all the time. That relationship will not be what you want your relationship to be like and it will ultimately fail, because it can only work when both people want to be in it and want it to work.

Stop doing what you are doing right now. Do not contact this guy in any way anymore. Go out and live your life without him. Go out with friends, watch TV, volunteer, get a job, try something new you have never done before and anything you enjoy doing, to get your mind off of him. You had a life before you met him, so get back to it.

You do not want him to hurt you again, so stop talking to him, do not call him, do not e-mail, and try to forget he exists. This is the best way to handle this situation, and you will see that things will get better. You deserve better than this. Look how this guy is treating you, if he cared about you, he would not be doing these things nor saying them. Do you really want to be with a guy like this? Do you think he is treating other people this way too? I bet he is not, because no one would like him. I would not take him if he was Brad Pitt, if this is how he acted towards me. Remember many of us have dreams and make plans and hope for things to work out, but sometimes life just throws us a curve ball and we have to learn to swerve. Take care of yourself now, and let him go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 11:08am

HEre's some rational perspective.

First, the initial 3-9 months of dating is inspired and inundated with "infatuation". Infatuation is "your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself, I can't get enough of your attention."

So during infatuation (which is particularly on high heat during the first 3 months) everything is orchestrated and choreographed to impress and please this person - because you're so gratified by their attention and how it make syou feel about yourself - you never want this "feeling" to end. But that's a feeling -w hich isn't a fact, goal, call to action, or something to 'hold tight to".

There's not alot of objectivity about this person's character and values and priorities in life during infatuation - particularly the first 3 months. During that period - when you "can't change a tire and call him" - he considers himself the white knight coming to your rescue..and everybody is delighted. 3 months later - if you call him because you can't withdraw $20 from your ATM and need cash and want him to come and lend you some - he's going to be less than impressed and consider whether he's rescuing a fair maiden in distress....vs. involved with an irresponsible and chaos-driven woman.

So basically, in the first 3 months there is a slow fade on the heat of infatuation - and it allows objectivity to return.

If people get all "I love you, can't live without you" - during the first 3 months or so - you can almost guarantee it won't last. That indicates that their own personal life isn't "all that great' by their definitions and standards - and the diversion, distraction, and feelings inspired by involvement with you are more desirable than "my life". So they believethat being with you is going to change the scope and entirety of their existence...problems will fade or cease to exist, and the issues that plague them won't any longer...only - infatuation fades, real life resumes...and that fantasy bubble is burst.

And people that get all committed, intertwined, and future oriented during infatuation definitely are NOT great relationship material. They lack interests, goals, successes, personal identity and security - and they're getting with you because the "feelings" of infatuation make all those things fade into insignificance temporarily....and they're "following that feeling" - like a goal, a call t oaction, and assessing it as a "fact" as a predetermined reality 24/7 of "being with you".

So....at the point where real life obligations culdn't be ignored or rescheduled.....and at the point where the high heat of infatuation was at least going to a medium heat flame.......you two had an argument...about "feelings" (not a shock - the entire relationship up to this point is "how you make me feel about me" - which leads to the assumption 'you're responsible for/cause/should fix my feelings with your actions" unless you're very mature and self-aware).

What you two really had - was a disagreement over priorities and goals adn values...itjust had to have situational detail to arise - and whatever the situation was - you had it over that. But the issue wasn't that particular set of details - it was the disparity in your priorities and goals and values that led to the disagreement.

You then went into overdrive...oh my god, the security and success, the feelings, and the status that I associate with "a relationship" - I have now transferring those assumptions and needs and goals onto"him" as an individual - and you proceeded to basically stalk him.

When he finally did let you in.....which basically he was saying "something you did made me feel less than like superman and i don't associate feeling like anything but superman when being around you. I"m with you because around you, I feel like superman"in the previosu discussion...he said he did not like your behavior of late and it caused him some concerns.

If you're thinking, if he's mature at all, that he meant the previous disagreement...he wasn't. What he meant is that eing stalked for what he represents as options and security to you is totally terrifying and he wants no part of it.

You've give him, and yourself, a clear view that you're not "into him as a person and want the best for him as he determines it to be"...you're in this because a relationship represents alot of things to you and he's been willing to participate inthe role so far - and you're not about to "let go of the security".

So...if for some reason he does want to 'try again' - realize that you two need to back up and start over...not take up where you left off - where you left off was a pretty escalated state that didn't result in anything positive.

You two need to step back, forget about a future - dating is not about a future, spend about a year dating one another and enjoying one another for who you each are, and learn to respect and admire one another as individuals.

And then..if you do find that you share goals and priorities and standards and values...that you have a similar definition of great life and how to achieve it - THEN you can discuss a future. Because at that point, small things won't cause huge carnage. Till then....it will.

FYI - take what he says literally. If a guy tells you that you're special to him, he can't wait to hold you in his arms, he misses your company. Take that literally. Don't interpret that to mean "he admires, respects, adores, and loves me as a person, he considers me such an asset in his life because of how much he likes me as an individual that he can't wait to interact again".

Take him literally...he wants to snuggle and cuddle, share conversations and events becuase of the interaction that you two share - the dynamic that it is - it makes him feel good about himself and life in general.

Till it stops being "you're the best for me, I want you and won't stop"...and becomes "I want the best for you as you determine it to be becuase i admire and respect you" - you two are NOT in a relationship....you're in a "situation".

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 12:05am

Thank you so much for such an in depth response! I realize now, in hindsight, that I absolutely lost my mind with this guy. I had reservations in the very beginning because he moved things so quickly. I had a feeling that it just wasn't going to work for some reason. I even tried to end things once. I think I was in shock because no one has ever done that to me before. No one has ever said they felt one way and then their feelings changed at the drop of a hat. He laughed in my face and that is absolutely unforgivable. I don't want to be with someone that can't handle issues that come up in relationships. Relationships require a lot of work, I don't care who you are and he was only into the good times. I realize now that I don't need him nor do I want him in my life. I've learned some lessons from this, and yes, I wish I had done things a little differently, but...this is what we do...live and learn.

Thanks again for your responses & such honest pieces of advice.