shocked & so confused
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 10-14-2004 - 3:10pm |
i have been dating a wonderful guy for about 3 months....we met thru mutual friends and he has been wooing me and treating me like a queen....with wonderful dates, flowers, phone calls the works....he was always very affectionate and protective of me and made me feel so safe. he is 29 and i am 26. i have not had a relationship for the past 3 years after i broke off a long 6 year relationship that was not healthy. i thought i was finding in him all of the things missing from my past relationship and i thought it was so healthy to be in a mutually respectful relationship.
i let him take the lead and tried not to be too available....but we grew closer....we had a wonderful date one friday night into saturday....he even bought me a toothbrush to keep at his house and asked me to go on a trip with him...then the very next day he starts acting all weird and pulling away...so i called him on it and he says that he does not see a future with me...that we would probably break up in six months to a year and this will hurt less...
i have never been more shocked...i did not see this coming...he told me he wanted a relationship....i am still reeling for this and trying to make some sense out of it.
he has emailed me a couple of times a week later just to see how i was..then called me twice...once i let it go to voicemail and once i answered....
why did he contact me....what does he want....what did i do wrong....i really thought we had something good going and cant understand how his feelings could have just switched off like that....when i asked him about this he just said it happened and he did not know why.
i guess i should consider myself lucky that i did not get in any deeper....but all his friends were telling me that he has never felt like a girl like he did about me...was he just scared....will he try to come back....should i answer his calls if he calls again or just ignore him....it does make it harder for me when i hear from him...have not heard a word since sun night so maybe he is done with me....i am just so sad....he always said how much he missed me when we were not together...since i miss him...is he missing me..
any advice from guys or girls would be much appreciated.
thanks

Pages
So generaly, in the highest of infatuation heat levels - there is alot of contact but it is all structured, choreographed and pre-rehearsed in front of yoru mirror - to put your best foot forward, keep them desiringyou so much - so that you "feel so good about yourself".
So there is not a whole lot of "I like and admire and respect you as a person" involved.
All that happened was in the heat of infatuation, where nothing negative was felt or foreseen - you two got intimate, you got intertwined, and he thought "how wonderful it would be if this all continued forever." Only - he meant "how I feel about you with all the undefined and uncommunicated and unaware to me things I think a relationship is going to offer me" - that's waht he wanted forever.
Sounds like you two had great sex, and a great evening, adn there was aot of assumptions that two were wanting the same things via the same methods and for the same reasons - until the margaritas wore off- and he looked at that toothbrush and remembered scheduling a trip.
All of a sudden he realized something..uh oh, a relationship isn't all about feeling good, and it's not all about her prioritizing me, and benefitting, comforting, and conveniencing me.....I'm going to have to start communicating and compromising - something tells me she won't like me spending every Tue-Thurs at the bar with the guys - even though right now she's not aware that's what i do so she can't object (just an example, of course)" and so he backed off.
he thought more about wht a relationship requires and demands, what it obligates him to...and he thought "end this now -while the fun is still here before hte misery sets in."
In the future - realize that nobody that "pursues you fast" - is pursuing you. YOu were smart not to get more emotionally attached and bonded.
It takes quite awhile, with unrehearsed situations, and plenty of interaction to go from "i like how your desire makes me feel about me' - to "I admire and respect you as a prson based on your values, character, and standards."
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
i guess what is so confusing to me is that i thought the whole time we were dating i was gathering data on what kind of person he was....he called ahead for dates, always arrived on time or early, acted excited to see me and went out of his way to be a gentleman and showed a nice amount of affection....so i did not let my guard down until about 2.5 months into the relationship.....i thought he was a guy i could trust....now i am just wondering if he is one of those committment phobic guys who thinks they want a relationship but when you get too close they go running....
since i dont have much experience with the dating scene i am feeling pretty dumb right now...he was so anxious for me to meet all of his friends and kept telling me how much they liked me and my friends felt the same about him....they really liked the way he was treating me...
i will admit that we had sex before the committment and that is wrong...girls always get so emotionally attached after that....but our relationship did not revolve just around the sex...we enjoyed doing so many different things but oh well.....
i will probably never know what made him flip that switch from she is so wonderful to i need to get away from her...and i dont know much about his dating history except that his friends kept wondering how he could get a girl like me and why was i still with him..this bothered me of course.
i am keeping busy and trying not to think about it and move on....but i just want to be more careful the next time....and this time i thought i was being careful so now i dont trust myself..........
When someone's parents think "you're the best thing that ever happened to them" - that means this person is totally irresponsible and unpredictable and lacks stability and security and they're so delighted tha tyou've come along to take him off thier hands. The financial, social and personal responsibility has been overwhelming nd you by far are the best "option" this sucker has ever brought around.
when someone's friends think "wow, how'd he ever attract the likes of her"......and if they're surprised at how clean his car is, or what he now wears, or what he now does while you think it's "standard"....take note - you're seeing him be someone he's not - for you enjoyment - for his long-term benefit.
Don't spend time obsessing over why he doesn't want what you want on shared terms and by shared methods and definitions - just move on. Nobody wants a "project" they drag around and call a "boyfriend".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Now, that DOES NOT mean you are defective in any way!!!!! It just means that you're not right for THAT particular person.
Generally, a guy will contact you after a breakup for one or more of the following reasons: 1, he likes and cares about you, and doesn't realize that it's painful for you to be in contact with him; 2, he doesn't want to feel bad or guilty about the breakup, and if you're willing to chat and be "friends" with him, he can tell himself he's not such a bad guy; 3, he's hoping you'll continue a no strings casual sexual r'ship with him; and/or 4, he wants to see if you're still around and interested, to satisfy his ego.
In none of these cases is having contact with him in YOUR best interests. Tell him not to call you unless he has changed his mind about getting back together with you and feeling that you are potentially right for him in the long run.
Sheri
then bam six hours later he is over me.....maybe guys just operate differently than girls but i still wanted to get to know him better and i felt that we were crossing that plateau...guess he did not feel it was worth the effort...how can they go from thinking you are the most special person he has ever met to someone he has to get away from...
if he contacts me again i am going to ask him not to call anymore...hope that does not make me look weak but it does make it harder....i need him to be a distant memory...and the sooner the better
hopefully i will be smarter next time
i dont think he is the kind to want to sleep together as friends...he is really a pretty decent guy with a great job, nice friends and a nice apt...he probably called to make sure i was ok and make himself feel less guilty...although when he broke up with me i was nice and just asked him if he was sure that is what he wanted..then he said i think so but i could be making one of the biggest mistakes of my life...
i should take comfort in knowing that every girl he has dated has broken up with him, according to his friends, so maybe he just saved me the trouble of breaking up with him when i got to know the true person....
thanks again for your advice.....it does help
If a guy's friend told me that, I'd say something like "oh isn't that sweet" but in my head I'd be thinking, "that IS sweet but it's early yet and too soon to tell so I'm not going to attach any significance to that".
Sheri
i always thought that i could trust my gut but it really failed me this time...that is what i am most upset about at this time.....
Sheri
i think the other thing bothering me is that what if he was this really great guy that all of a sudden just did not like me.............YUK.....I have never had that problem before....usually if i like someone they like me too.....like maybe i did or said something stupid that turned him off on me....or was it all an act....and he was really not that into me as he led me to believe.....but asking me on a trip and buying me a toothbrush to keep at his apt seems to lead me to believe he wanted me around....but six hours later he bolts.......guess i will never know
Pages