shocked & so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
shocked & so confused
33
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 3:10pm
has anyone out there had this happen to them?

i have been dating a wonderful guy for about 3 months....we met thru mutual friends and he has been wooing me and treating me like a queen....with wonderful dates, flowers, phone calls the works....he was always very affectionate and protective of me and made me feel so safe. he is 29 and i am 26. i have not had a relationship for the past 3 years after i broke off a long 6 year relationship that was not healthy. i thought i was finding in him all of the things missing from my past relationship and i thought it was so healthy to be in a mutually respectful relationship.

i let him take the lead and tried not to be too available....but we grew closer....we had a wonderful date one friday night into saturday....he even bought me a toothbrush to keep at his house and asked me to go on a trip with him...then the very next day he starts acting all weird and pulling away...so i called him on it and he says that he does not see a future with me...that we would probably break up in six months to a year and this will hurt less...

i have never been more shocked...i did not see this coming...he told me he wanted a relationship....i am still reeling for this and trying to make some sense out of it.

he has emailed me a couple of times a week later just to see how i was..then called me twice...once i let it go to voicemail and once i answered....

why did he contact me....what does he want....what did i do wrong....i really thought we had something good going and cant understand how his feelings could have just switched off like that....when i asked him about this he just said it happened and he did not know why.

i guess i should consider myself lucky that i did not get in any deeper....but all his friends were telling me that he has never felt like a girl like he did about me...was he just scared....will he try to come back....should i answer his calls if he calls again or just ignore him....it does make it harder for me when i hear from him...have not heard a word since sun night so maybe he is done with me....i am just so sad....he always said how much he missed me when we were not together...since i miss him...is he missing me..

any advice from guys or girls would be much appreciated.

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 12:13am
I think we both have a commitment-phobic on our hands. I am dealing with almost the same exact scenario, I had been dating a guy for 4 months up until almost 3 weeks ago. Only two weeks before we were talking about taking a trip together and how he wanted to bring me to England (where he's from) and meet his friends there. Two weeks later almost to the day we broke up after he totally blew up at me for really no reason, I left his house crying (he was belittling me) and only this past Sunday did we actually talk things out and he said he just did not have feelings for me anymore although he thought I was a great girl and how he would missing hanging out and how he was probably making a huge mistake. I asked him how long his longest relationship was (which I should have asked in the beginning!) and he said 8 months, this guy is almost 30 years old so that is a big red flag and he later in the conversation fessed up to having commitment issues.

One thing he did mention after I asked him why only two weeks ago he was inviting me meet his family and he said that he always has a hard time with relationships and how seeing anything past tomorrow was pretty good for him. So basically he was trying to convince himself that he wanted a long term relationship by talking about the future. He also told his friends how much he liked me and they also said how happy he was with me etc. He also started to pull away the last two weeks and our blow up was instigated after I asked him if he was happy with me.

One thing I have heard about commitment-phobics (and have found true) is that they pursue heavily at first and this was also the case, we met on a Thursday night and basically spent the weekend together and then the weekends for the remaining four months, we even took a trip to Vegas together after two months. That is almost the worst part, you have such an intense relationship that when it ends it can be very painful even though it may not have particularly been lengthy...

I don't think either you or I could have done much if anything to prevent these break ups, looking back there were definitely things I did not like about him but I was in the infatuation phase and overlooked them even though my gut had told me different a few times, I think you will find looking back that you probably had concerns but dismissed them. My ex actually started to cry a little bit during the breakup, I think he has legitimate feelings (probably like your guy) but just has no idea how to truly love and be intimate, part of them I believe wants to try and be in a relationship but when things start getting "real" they become terrified/incapable, he also admitted to probably not being capable of being in love.

The next guy I date I will not be flattered if they pursue me very heavily at first, I realize (at least for me) that slow and steady is the way to go. Also looking back, I have noticed my past two relationships (both I see now were commitment phobics) also have a similiar trait of being funny/happy/life of the party on the outside (which is why I seem to be attracted to them) but on the inside they are uncomfortable and depressed with themselves and their lives, I think some of these guys also fear a woman "discovering" their true selves and leaving them so they just sabotage the relationship, they seem to have very low self esteem.

I'm still hurting a bit but I think every breakup provides an opportunity for reflection and hopefully an opportunity not to repeat the same painful mistakes...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 2:21pm
wow, your story really does sound like mine.....i know my guy had a relationship thru college that ended badly but the only other one i know about lasted 4 months and he said the girl ended it....i definitely did not dig far enough into his past relationships but i was trying to play it cool.....i have read alot about committment phobics and that was my first thought on this....as soon as the relationship was getting to emotionally close he bolted with some random reason....he said he wanted to be in a relationship but just not with me...that we were not compatible....even though we always got along great, had great sex and enjoyed doing the same things...never a disagreement...when i told him that i felt like he had a wall built up around his emotions and would not let me in...he said that he has had other relationships where he had no trouble letting people in so that hurt too....i got the feeling on the phone with him when he was breaking up with me that he was saying anything to get me away from him....he even said that he did not want a girlfiend who expected him to spend every weekend from friday night to sunday night together...so i reminded him that we only did that once and it was at his request...and then he said yes, we had such a great time that weekend..

these kinds of guys really mess with your mind....but i will definitely be more careful next time.....my old relationship of six years was with the same kind of guy only i went

thru 12 breakups and makeups with him before i finally called it quits....so i guess i have to consider myself lucky that this only went on for 3 months.

i do wonder why he emailed and called me a week after the breakup and then last week..was he feeling guilty....i was so nervous on the phone that i chatted his ear off letting him know how busy i was....i bet i really scared him off that time...lol

he is from a divorced family as was my last bf so maybe they have a warped attitude about committment but i wonder how easy it is to find someone not from a divorced family in this day and age....

he was always holding my hand, stroking my hair, looking into my eyes and laughing at my jokes....made me feel adored....but i guess it was all an act....and he scared himself.

when he first pulled away he called and said he did not want to break up...just slow things down and go out to dinner and on alone dates....so we tried that the next night and that was a disaster....i was so uncomfortable and silent...so after the date i called him up and we broke up on the phone.

just recently i found out that he was a pot smoker and this was a huge red flag for me as my last bf was adicted to pot and i feel that ruined our relationship....you cannot have a meaningful relationship with someone who is adicted to anything..they will always care more about the substance than you...so i have to look at this as a blessing in disguise and that i have been saved from future pain...

it is just hard to let go of the fantasy of the really great boyfriend he was....and i must keep telling myself it was not real.....the real guy is a scared little boy who cant or wont committ...

and he was the life of the party guy too....whom i am always attracted to.....may i have the strength to be a better picker next time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 3:20pm
It amazes me how much your story sounds like mine. I know you are really hurt and confused right now, but it will get better. After me and my ex ended it about three weeks ago, I was able to sleep for the first time in months without having to take something. I have never needed any help sleeping, but when things started to go wrong with he and I, my sleep habits changed. I have not contacted him, nor will I ever again. Someone has been calling my cell phone and blocking their number on Fri. and/or Sat. nights, and I think it could be him because he has done that before, but I do not answer it. I started dating him at the end of April. He fell for me right off the bat - like a rock. I was scared to death. Things were going too fast and I told him to please slow down. He was talking about marriage...how he couldn't believe I was real...how he had never felt this way before. He wanted to see me all the time, but I wouldn't allow it. Everyone needs their space. He's 34 and I'm 39. I've lived alone for a very long time, and I wasn't about to let anyone smother me, nor was I going to smother them. He told everyone about me - his neighbors, family and co-workers. You would have thought I walked on water or something. He started to bring me into his relationship with his little girl. He's been divorced now for about 4 years. He wanted to go with me to church and he did several times. When something seems too good to be true, believe me...it is. After about two months or so, he started to change. He'd go from saying he wished we could live together to breaking up with me. Then, he tried to come between me and my best friend by telling me that she came onto him. I've known her for 8 years. I had known him for 2 months. She was the one who got us together. There was no way in hell she'd do something like that to me, and she and I even talked about it. Plain and simple - he lied. Did he ever tell me he lied though? No. Let me fast forward to what eventually happened. He said he wanted to work on us because we were worth it. Then, he said he didn't want to lose me, that he loved me and that I was the one consistent thing in his life, but he wanted to slow things down. Finally, he said he just wanted to basically hook up every now and then, and that would be all that it would be. Okay. That was the last straw for me. I'm not a whore or a booty call. Never have been. Never will be. I told him I couldn't do this. He hugged me. I cried. He said he didn't have the same feelings as he did for me at first, and that was about a month ago. I haven't seen him. I don't ask about him. I don't want to know anything about him. I just want to heal and move on. The one thing I regret more than anything is that I didn't remove him from my life within 10 minutes of him showing me unacceptable behavior, but I didn't. I allowed things to go on for four months after the first time he broke up with me.

Just like with you, I have wondered over and over, what did I do wrong? Believe me. It's not anything we did. It's just that they weren't the ones for us. I promise you it will get better. Please do not have any contact with him if at all possible though. I tried that a while back and it just doesn't work. No contact is the best thing when you are hurting. It helps you to heal faster. I wish you the best of luck. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 5:24pm
oh my...your story does sound like mine but much worse....he never said he wanted to marry me....just that i was special and his actions showed that his words were true...but we never got to the i love you stage....i thought we were taking it slow...but we were sleeping together and that is never a good idea unless you really know a person...but i thought he was the kindest person i had ever met....and he was always so protective of me...never a bad word or any fights....just all good ...until he dropped the bomb....

so i guess if i hated him for something it would be easier...the only mean thing he ever did was break up with me out of the blue when things got too close...

i know enough about committment phobes that the length of time it takes them to bolt varies....some do it after the first date, the first week or the first month...but some go so far as to get married and change on the honeymoon....so i should feel good that this did not drag on any longer than it did....

but i still have this little doubt nagging at me that i did something to make him change his mind about me in six hours....and maybe he is really a good guy and i blew what could have been a great relationship....

but my mom keeps telling me to have faith that things work out the way they are meant to and there is someone out there better for me....

the fact that i waited 3 years after my last breakup to get involved led me to believe that i was so much smarter and wiser and would not be taken in by some jerk.....so my confidence in my judgement is shaken...not to mention i miss the time we spent together.

i wanted to email him yesterday and thank god for girlfriends...they told me not to and i am glad i did not....no contact is best...

why do these guys want to keep contact...do they feel guilty....he knows that i would never be his booty call so i dont expect that is it...

oh well..live and learn and i am only 26 so hopefully the next guy that comes along will be deserving of my love.........

good luck to you too...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 5:50pm
Arg! I just want to give you a big hug. I am in a rapid-ending relationship that is at the three month mark, and for the first time, I'm not totally devastated by his quick change of emotion. Two weeks ago, he was talking about how we'd tell our grandkids how we met, and last night he said he just doesn't feel anything anymore. My last long term relationship started with a big bang, too, and ended after 3 years with me totally confused and hurt. Happily, I learned from it, and realized this time that in spite of all the sweet words, what mattered was the substance once the relationship got real.

I think there are guys (and no, they're not all jerks), who love the infatuation of the first few months - it's fun, and feels wonderful, and they want so much for it to be the real thing. But real intimacy is so much harder, and men aren't taught like we are to be real and forthright and honest about feelings. They honestly just don't get what is going on inside of them...

So the MOST important thing to realize is this is NOT about you! This is about his own stuff, and it will come up with every woman he dates for the rest of his life unless he deals with it. So, my advice is to do whatever super-nice things you can to feel good about yourself for the next few days. For me it's milkshakes and Sex & the City. And, you will for sure find an awesome guy who jumps up and down with joy at the prospect of being with you - for real! And he'll be the one who sticks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 7:19pm
Well you are livingmy story hun!

The very same thing happened to me just almost 2 weeks ago. Wow this is unreal!

I had met this wonderful guy as well. We were together all in all about 3 month. EVERYTHING was going PERFECT!

We spend all of our weekends together it was great. The last weekend we spend together was the same wonderful time we always had. He even told me he could not wait to see me again the next weekend.

He called me sunday night like he always does, we talked like we always do. He called me monday like he always does wishing me a great day. He called me monday night , same thing , just like we always talk.

He called me on tuesday eve and we talked like we always did and out of the blue he starts saying things like I don't know if I feel the same way about you then you feel about me. How do I know you the ONE? I said well we don't know this until we find out and that takes time. My stomach was turning the whole conversation. Then he said ok I told you and nowlets forget about all of this.

He called me back the same night and told me he needed a little space. I asked him if there was another woman he said NO. After talking about 20 minutes I asked him again and he said..................well there is an old friend and we have been talking a lot lately and we want to do things together. I said, why would you allow this to happen when everything is going os perfect with us. He says, I don;t know this is why I need some time.I was devistated. I cried all night.

I thought abut it over night and told him the next day, I amletting you with love, do what you have to and I left it alone. I am fine. I still think it was wrong of him however I rather know now.

There was no warning signs at all! It hit me so fast I did not know what day it was.

I think there is another woman somewhere. I know you don't want to hear this. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! IT IS NOT YOU..................IT IS HIM!

The best thing you can do for YOU is to let go.

Now he already emailed me twice. I guess he is confused because I am not acting like some love sick psycho running after him. I am being understanding and polite. After all ....I DO NOT COMPETE WITH ANY OTHER WOMAN OUT THERE! HIS CHOICE! HIS LOSS!

So please just take care of yourself now. You do not want a man that treats you like this.

I am in love with thisman and he knows it because I told him. Let him deal with it!

Stay still. Do nothing but live your life happily. This is not a healthy minded man if he does anything remotely like this. I am speaking from experience here. Even right now as I am typing this, I still am in complete shock because only 2 weekends ago we were the happiest couple on earth and now he is gone!

Huggs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 12:54am
it is pretty amazing and comforting in a strange way to know i am not the only one out there dealing with this but how do you learn to trust again......i was taking it slow and really trying to get to know him but now i know that the closer i got to knowing the real, him...the more uncomfortable he got...and in my intellectual mind i know that you cant have a relationship with someone like this....

since he showed me no bad things until the breakup i am having a hard time finding anything bad about our time together and that makes it harder....but i keep telling myself he is not the person i thought he was.....that dream guy was a fantasy....

i will try to remember next time that if it seems too good to be true early in the relationship....it probably is....and try not to be a victim again...

that is what sucks....i feel so stupid and naive...but i cant feel bad for opening myself up to him.....his loss and my gain in the end because no one should want to be with a guy who could change his feelings so quickly....

one day at a time.....and to make matters worse i am sick today with an abscessed tooth and need a root canal.....when it rains it pours........this too shall pass

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 12:59am
thank you so much for your kind words...they really did help

and you are right about it is not about me but him.....still hard to feel rejected ..nobody likes that...my pride is hurt but that will mend and i hope to someday find a really decent guy.....like i THOUGHT he was....and quit living in fantasyland...

thanks again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 7:13am
Well you go on and trust in yourself and know that there are indeed great men out there. Don't close yourself off from it.

With a man that wants to be with you and is sincere, you don't have to worry about taking things slow or watching to not get so attached or be yourself. You be able to be yourself and everything is great.

To good to be true can apply in some cases, not all of them.

As for me I am doing just fine. I have been out on a few dates, nothing serious, just conversation and nice compnay. Noone I would be in a relationship with. I take care of myself and make things nice for me.

You see, this is how I feel about him. Who ever he is with at the moment, it won't last, why? because he has issues. He has not dealt with those issues and when the spark is over, they will come out and he is yet once again faced with dealing with them. I know that we had nothing but wonderful times together, he will remember this.

I am blessed that he was honest with me and told me. I also feel he was dis honest in other ways. I simply told him it is ok and let go with love. I don;t think he understood how I could be so understanding about it.

He feels bad, of course he does. He knows he hurt me. I told him , be happy, nothing to feel bad about.

I was completely ok with this. Sure it hurt, sure I cried, sure I miss him but what is there to do? nothing.

He is so confused about my behavior he even wrote me another email saying to me, you just can't accept the fact that we can't be more then friends. It blew me away because I am the one who let him go and told him it was ok. I had zero contact with him.

It is confusing to him and I feel he wants a reaction out of me. NO CONTACT! I am moving on full speed ahead with life. He wonders about that so he needs to poke around, stir up things.

Bottom line for me.....to much drama..............to difficult.....NEXT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 12:15pm
I hope you're feeling better, sweetie. I know this happened so suddenly and it's thrown you for a loop.....it sounds like maybe he has a bit of a commitment phobia and realized things were moving faster than he expected and it scared him. Regardless it doesn't sound like it had anything to do with you personally....just his own fears. I know this doesn't make it hurt any less but you'll get through it and we're all here for you, if you need us.
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