shocked & so confused
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| Thu, 10-14-2004 - 3:10pm |
i have been dating a wonderful guy for about 3 months....we met thru mutual friends and he has been wooing me and treating me like a queen....with wonderful dates, flowers, phone calls the works....he was always very affectionate and protective of me and made me feel so safe. he is 29 and i am 26. i have not had a relationship for the past 3 years after i broke off a long 6 year relationship that was not healthy. i thought i was finding in him all of the things missing from my past relationship and i thought it was so healthy to be in a mutually respectful relationship.
i let him take the lead and tried not to be too available....but we grew closer....we had a wonderful date one friday night into saturday....he even bought me a toothbrush to keep at his house and asked me to go on a trip with him...then the very next day he starts acting all weird and pulling away...so i called him on it and he says that he does not see a future with me...that we would probably break up in six months to a year and this will hurt less...
i have never been more shocked...i did not see this coming...he told me he wanted a relationship....i am still reeling for this and trying to make some sense out of it.
he has emailed me a couple of times a week later just to see how i was..then called me twice...once i let it go to voicemail and once i answered....
why did he contact me....what does he want....what did i do wrong....i really thought we had something good going and cant understand how his feelings could have just switched off like that....when i asked him about this he just said it happened and he did not know why.
i guess i should consider myself lucky that i did not get in any deeper....but all his friends were telling me that he has never felt like a girl like he did about me...was he just scared....will he try to come back....should i answer his calls if he calls again or just ignore him....it does make it harder for me when i hear from him...have not heard a word since sun night so maybe he is done with me....i am just so sad....he always said how much he missed me when we were not together...since i miss him...is he missing me..
any advice from guys or girls would be much appreciated.
thanks

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One thing he did mention after I asked him why only two weeks ago he was inviting me meet his family and he said that he always has a hard time with relationships and how seeing anything past tomorrow was pretty good for him. So basically he was trying to convince himself that he wanted a long term relationship by talking about the future. He also told his friends how much he liked me and they also said how happy he was with me etc. He also started to pull away the last two weeks and our blow up was instigated after I asked him if he was happy with me.
One thing I have heard about commitment-phobics (and have found true) is that they pursue heavily at first and this was also the case, we met on a Thursday night and basically spent the weekend together and then the weekends for the remaining four months, we even took a trip to Vegas together after two months. That is almost the worst part, you have such an intense relationship that when it ends it can be very painful even though it may not have particularly been lengthy...
I don't think either you or I could have done much if anything to prevent these break ups, looking back there were definitely things I did not like about him but I was in the infatuation phase and overlooked them even though my gut had told me different a few times, I think you will find looking back that you probably had concerns but dismissed them. My ex actually started to cry a little bit during the breakup, I think he has legitimate feelings (probably like your guy) but just has no idea how to truly love and be intimate, part of them I believe wants to try and be in a relationship but when things start getting "real" they become terrified/incapable, he also admitted to probably not being capable of being in love.
The next guy I date I will not be flattered if they pursue me very heavily at first, I realize (at least for me) that slow and steady is the way to go. Also looking back, I have noticed my past two relationships (both I see now were commitment phobics) also have a similiar trait of being funny/happy/life of the party on the outside (which is why I seem to be attracted to them) but on the inside they are uncomfortable and depressed with themselves and their lives, I think some of these guys also fear a woman "discovering" their true selves and leaving them so they just sabotage the relationship, they seem to have very low self esteem.
I'm still hurting a bit but I think every breakup provides an opportunity for reflection and hopefully an opportunity not to repeat the same painful mistakes...
these kinds of guys really mess with your mind....but i will definitely be more careful next time.....my old relationship of six years was with the same kind of guy only i went
thru 12 breakups and makeups with him before i finally called it quits....so i guess i have to consider myself lucky that this only went on for 3 months.
i do wonder why he emailed and called me a week after the breakup and then last week..was he feeling guilty....i was so nervous on the phone that i chatted his ear off letting him know how busy i was....i bet i really scared him off that time...lol
he is from a divorced family as was my last bf so maybe they have a warped attitude about committment but i wonder how easy it is to find someone not from a divorced family in this day and age....
he was always holding my hand, stroking my hair, looking into my eyes and laughing at my jokes....made me feel adored....but i guess it was all an act....and he scared himself.
when he first pulled away he called and said he did not want to break up...just slow things down and go out to dinner and on alone dates....so we tried that the next night and that was a disaster....i was so uncomfortable and silent...so after the date i called him up and we broke up on the phone.
just recently i found out that he was a pot smoker and this was a huge red flag for me as my last bf was adicted to pot and i feel that ruined our relationship....you cannot have a meaningful relationship with someone who is adicted to anything..they will always care more about the substance than you...so i have to look at this as a blessing in disguise and that i have been saved from future pain...
it is just hard to let go of the fantasy of the really great boyfriend he was....and i must keep telling myself it was not real.....the real guy is a scared little boy who cant or wont committ...
and he was the life of the party guy too....whom i am always attracted to.....may i have the strength to be a better picker next time...
Just like with you, I have wondered over and over, what did I do wrong? Believe me. It's not anything we did. It's just that they weren't the ones for us. I promise you it will get better. Please do not have any contact with him if at all possible though. I tried that a while back and it just doesn't work. No contact is the best thing when you are hurting. It helps you to heal faster. I wish you the best of luck. :)
so i guess if i hated him for something it would be easier...the only mean thing he ever did was break up with me out of the blue when things got too close...
i know enough about committment phobes that the length of time it takes them to bolt varies....some do it after the first date, the first week or the first month...but some go so far as to get married and change on the honeymoon....so i should feel good that this did not drag on any longer than it did....
but i still have this little doubt nagging at me that i did something to make him change his mind about me in six hours....and maybe he is really a good guy and i blew what could have been a great relationship....
but my mom keeps telling me to have faith that things work out the way they are meant to and there is someone out there better for me....
the fact that i waited 3 years after my last breakup to get involved led me to believe that i was so much smarter and wiser and would not be taken in by some jerk.....so my confidence in my judgement is shaken...not to mention i miss the time we spent together.
i wanted to email him yesterday and thank god for girlfriends...they told me not to and i am glad i did not....no contact is best...
why do these guys want to keep contact...do they feel guilty....he knows that i would never be his booty call so i dont expect that is it...
oh well..live and learn and i am only 26 so hopefully the next guy that comes along will be deserving of my love.........
good luck to you too...
I think there are guys (and no, they're not all jerks), who love the infatuation of the first few months - it's fun, and feels wonderful, and they want so much for it to be the real thing. But real intimacy is so much harder, and men aren't taught like we are to be real and forthright and honest about feelings. They honestly just don't get what is going on inside of them...
So the MOST important thing to realize is this is NOT about you! This is about his own stuff, and it will come up with every woman he dates for the rest of his life unless he deals with it. So, my advice is to do whatever super-nice things you can to feel good about yourself for the next few days. For me it's milkshakes and Sex & the City. And, you will for sure find an awesome guy who jumps up and down with joy at the prospect of being with you - for real! And he'll be the one who sticks.
The very same thing happened to me just almost 2 weeks ago. Wow this is unreal!
I had met this wonderful guy as well. We were together all in all about 3 month. EVERYTHING was going PERFECT!
We spend all of our weekends together it was great. The last weekend we spend together was the same wonderful time we always had. He even told me he could not wait to see me again the next weekend.
He called me sunday night like he always does, we talked like we always do. He called me monday like he always does wishing me a great day. He called me monday night , same thing , just like we always talk.
He called me on tuesday eve and we talked like we always did and out of the blue he starts saying things like I don't know if I feel the same way about you then you feel about me. How do I know you the ONE? I said well we don't know this until we find out and that takes time. My stomach was turning the whole conversation. Then he said ok I told you and nowlets forget about all of this.
He called me back the same night and told me he needed a little space. I asked him if there was another woman he said NO. After talking about 20 minutes I asked him again and he said..................well there is an old friend and we have been talking a lot lately and we want to do things together. I said, why would you allow this to happen when everything is going os perfect with us. He says, I don;t know this is why I need some time.I was devistated. I cried all night.
I thought abut it over night and told him the next day, I amletting you with love, do what you have to and I left it alone. I am fine. I still think it was wrong of him however I rather know now.
There was no warning signs at all! It hit me so fast I did not know what day it was.
I think there is another woman somewhere. I know you don't want to hear this. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! IT IS NOT YOU..................IT IS HIM!
The best thing you can do for YOU is to let go.
Now he already emailed me twice. I guess he is confused because I am not acting like some love sick psycho running after him. I am being understanding and polite. After all ....I DO NOT COMPETE WITH ANY OTHER WOMAN OUT THERE! HIS CHOICE! HIS LOSS!
So please just take care of yourself now. You do not want a man that treats you like this.
I am in love with thisman and he knows it because I told him. Let him deal with it!
Stay still. Do nothing but live your life happily. This is not a healthy minded man if he does anything remotely like this. I am speaking from experience here. Even right now as I am typing this, I still am in complete shock because only 2 weekends ago we were the happiest couple on earth and now he is gone!
Huggs
since he showed me no bad things until the breakup i am having a hard time finding anything bad about our time together and that makes it harder....but i keep telling myself he is not the person i thought he was.....that dream guy was a fantasy....
i will try to remember next time that if it seems too good to be true early in the relationship....it probably is....and try not to be a victim again...
that is what sucks....i feel so stupid and naive...but i cant feel bad for opening myself up to him.....his loss and my gain in the end because no one should want to be with a guy who could change his feelings so quickly....
one day at a time.....and to make matters worse i am sick today with an abscessed tooth and need a root canal.....when it rains it pours........this too shall pass
and you are right about it is not about me but him.....still hard to feel rejected ..nobody likes that...my pride is hurt but that will mend and i hope to someday find a really decent guy.....like i THOUGHT he was....and quit living in fantasyland...
thanks again...
With a man that wants to be with you and is sincere, you don't have to worry about taking things slow or watching to not get so attached or be yourself. You be able to be yourself and everything is great.
To good to be true can apply in some cases, not all of them.
As for me I am doing just fine. I have been out on a few dates, nothing serious, just conversation and nice compnay. Noone I would be in a relationship with. I take care of myself and make things nice for me.
You see, this is how I feel about him. Who ever he is with at the moment, it won't last, why? because he has issues. He has not dealt with those issues and when the spark is over, they will come out and he is yet once again faced with dealing with them. I know that we had nothing but wonderful times together, he will remember this.
I am blessed that he was honest with me and told me. I also feel he was dis honest in other ways. I simply told him it is ok and let go with love. I don;t think he understood how I could be so understanding about it.
He feels bad, of course he does. He knows he hurt me. I told him , be happy, nothing to feel bad about.
I was completely ok with this. Sure it hurt, sure I cried, sure I miss him but what is there to do? nothing.
He is so confused about my behavior he even wrote me another email saying to me, you just can't accept the fact that we can't be more then friends. It blew me away because I am the one who let him go and told him it was ok. I had zero contact with him.
It is confusing to him and I feel he wants a reaction out of me. NO CONTACT! I am moving on full speed ahead with life. He wonders about that so he needs to poke around, stir up things.
Bottom line for me.....to much drama..............to difficult.....NEXT!
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